About a month and a half ago (maybe longer), I realized that I wasn't happy. I was irritable, confused and just down right miserable....but without good reason. I couldnt explain it- but I felt like I needed to. I needed to find my smile.
My self misery came after a period of my life where i was seemingly on top of the world. I'll get into it later- but life was so good I was giving advice to others. Even on the prior blogs i was in self help mode- trying to make everyone aware of how happy i was and disguising it as me helping others. But the happiness faded like the color on an old shirt. "The wave" had finally crashed and it crashed like a tsunami. Although i anticipated my fall from the mountain top- i wasn't prepared for the tail spin i found myself in. So in an effort to make things right I took a weekend off to try and get my shit together. During that weekend, I drove around Long Island by myself - trying to put things into perspective- no radio, no phone, no distractions- just me and my thoughts. I even ventured into a bar to try an ease my troubles and find some inspiration...I didnt get much of an answer that weekend.. i didnt get much of anything actually. So that weekend turned into weeks, and those weeks have turned into the present.
I dont think I ever had that single moment of clarity but i think little by little i've begun to piece together the puzzle. I now have a better understanding of who I am and I am starting to see things for what they truely are. I've started to become a lot more observent of things. I scrutinize everything until i can make heads or tails of it. For me thinking is like an addictive drug. When i start really really thinking- its like being comitted in a mental institute and thats not a joke- I'm crazy with it. Its almost to the point where i break out flow charts and shit. But i feel like it has to be done. I need to analyze shit b/c thats how i come to realizations. If only i had a passion for medicine- i think i mite be able to cure cancer. But whatever -in essence, I'm still without answers to my original question .How did i get to be so miserable and how do i resolve it
The resolving question seemed to be the easiest to answer. Everyone has gone through low periods and so i seeked answers from others. 1 suggestion was medication. But for me- that wasnt an option. In my opinion - too many people take pills or medical action to solve issues they can resolve on their own. Obesity and in some cases depression are prime examples...people hide behind the blanket of an illness rather than face facts. Also, taking pills has become the cool thing to do. You go to a party and you can over hear almost any1 talking about all the shit they are taking. They talk about it like its a badge of honor..not for me though. Medication is a last resort. I dont think my self misery warrent taking a miracle pill...it means i have to get on my fucking grind.
Another suggestion was therapy. It does make sense- but again, not for me. I realize that i really dont have that 1 person that i feel comfortable confiding in,that 1 single person that will listen to everything before giving advise..but then again- I really never had it. Maybe for a while i had jen, or in my k-mart days i had Tara..but really since then i have pieced it together. And i know i have people that will listen- my friends or family but i dunno- for me it's situational. And I'm not the type to talk it out anyway.. i'd rather work through it or write about it. So- in the end- thats what i decided- i'll piece it together and work it out on my own.
So how did i get so miserable? Only God knows for sure. But i think it was just pieces of everything that finally reached an explosive boiling point. All the bullshit just mounted.
