Those of you who have read this journal from the beginning already know all about my south oaks mentality but for those of u that dont, buckle up. A lot of people know me as this happy, "nicest to know" guy from levittown but every now and then i get down on myself.....not to the point where i contemplate suicide, but to the point where i feel i have to save myself from my own mental and physical suicide....i know thats hard to understand but i dont know how else to put it. I dont know why or what triggers my deep feelings of self loathing, but every month or so for about a day or two i lose it. I lose my sanity and feel like putting my own face on the dart board and taking aim. Today was one of those days. Metaphorically speaking I have a tornado of issues that swirl around me constantly. I always try to avoid them hoping they go away but they never do and eventually i get sucked into the frustration and its a long hard battle. A battle that im not sure i ever truely win. Every month i lose a small piece of myself. I feel like im fading away like that picture of michael j fox in back to the future and eventaully i'll just fade to the point where i never existed. I know that a major problem i have is that i have no confidence in my own self. I dont despise my life but i hate a lot of things about my life and wish i could make some changes. But thats really just the tip of the iceberg...i feel as if maybe i need a vacation or something. Perhaps 1 day soon i'll go somewhere, just me. Not out of state or anything, just out of town, out of this house, out of familiar surroundings for a while..just to clear my head.
In other news, me and bert went to jets training camp today. It was the first of many practices i hope to see in my days off from school. I def. had a good time but a lot of the big names weren't there or atleast not on the field. All and all it was fun though and i look forward to going again.
I was bored out of my mind the other day and i took one of those surveys that i used to always do in high school:
Name: Cat /Catty bones
Birthplace: Hospital bed
Current Location: Wherever women are crying
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: cacasion skin and Brown on the sides
Height: 5'10 and 1/2, i'd be about 6'1 with an afro
Right Handed or Left Handed: Righty's do it right
Your Heritage: 100% Italian
The Shoes You Wore Today: New Balence, not very stylish
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: LOL which is used as "laugh out loud"- not "lots of laughs"- thats gayer than boy george
Thoughts First Waking Up: Shit..i gotta do this again
Your Best Physical Feature: I'm not sure i have one ..maybe my hats
Your Bedtime: Depends on the night and whats on TV
Your Most Missed Memory: I think i'll save that 1 for myself
Pepsi or Coke: I like Snapple
MacDonalds or Burger King: Burger King- gotta love the king!
Single or Group Dates: Group it up
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Nestea
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee: Hot choclate
Do you Smoke: Nope
Do you Swear: I swear i dont smoke
Do you Sing: I wouldnt call it singing but yeah
Do you Shower Daily: Yes
Have you Been in Love: Not really
Do you want to go to College: Been there, done that
Do you want to get Married: Eventually
Do you belive in yourself: Not really
Do you get Motion Sickness: No, id have to be on the move to get that
Do you think you are Attractive: Not at all
Are you a Health Freak: not really
Do you get along with your Parents: Yes, my mom more so than my dad
Do you like Thunderstorms: Yeah it gives me an exuse to stay in
Do you play an Instrument: The man-jo
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Yes siree Bob
In the past month have you Smoked: Nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs: Nah
In the past month have you gone on a Date: See "do u think u are attractive"
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: yea, I bought pretzels
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: Nope, i like the choclate chips with the M& Ms
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Nope
In the past month have you been on Stage: I'm not gay
In the past month have you been Dumped: If you mean took a big shit- then yes
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: Nah, but berts going on vacation lol j/k
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Borrowed without telling is more like it
Ever been Drunk: Only buzzed- i havent found my limit nore do i wanna
Ever been called a Tease: No
Ever been Beaten up: Everytime I go to the gym !!!!
Ever Shoplifted: Does it count if u worked there?
How do you want to Die: Quietly in my sleep, after banging my lady
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: I want to be happy
What country would you most like to Visit: Italy
Your Fears: I fear change
Your Perfect Pizza: Extra Cheese!
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Get a job and make my new years resolution come true
Favourite Eye Color: Blue/Hazel
Favourite Hair Color: Dont really have 1, although blondes are said to have more fun
Short or Long Hair: Long but not down to the ass, thats like cave woman days
Height: Smaller than me - I dont do giants..midgets maybe lol
Weight: I like my woman to be no more than 7 kilograms
Best Clothing Style: the thong peeking out of the low ride jeans
Number of Drugs I have taken: Me? Nothing but advil
Number of CDs I own: Music is over rated
Number of Piercings: I like chix with belly rings- anything else is gravy/disgusting - it can go either way
Number of Tattoos: lower back is nice- everything else is negotiable
Number of things in my Past I Regret: 2 or 3 big 1s
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