"We all commit certain acts in our lives of an unsavery nature, some bad, some worse, some unspeakable. Sometimes we suffer in silence, sometimes we seek redemption. For hes got what he wanted but in obtaining salvation there is a price that must be paid...one must give up a bit of one's self. The road...or the end of the road as it is written may not be the beacon of rightgeousness in which was invisoned. The glowing light at the end of tunnel may not be what was expected. It just might be some horribly disfigured , fun-house reflection of our own inner dreams."
I remember hearing that poem way back in the day and for whatever reason i was able to remember it, i probably fudged it up somehow cuz i dont think thats word for word, but thats pretty damn close. I don't know why i bothered to even remember it nore do i know why it's still fresh in my head years after i originally heard it...however, whenever i have a dark day- i reflect and this poem usually springs to mind and kind of inspires me to write my own morbid, self loathing poem.
As of late i have been having quite a bit of dark days both personally and professionally. Too many reasons to count, too many emotions running high. I feel like i'm breaking down a little bit and pretty soon im just gonna go head first and crash. I can only remember me being like this once before and it was years and years go...prob about the time i broke up with jen and i was in up to my elbows in crazy shit.i obviously did get through that rough patch, although i had a little help from a now fallen angel. But now i'm giving it a go solo and i know i have plenty of shoulders to cry on if need be- but i choose not to. Its my path of choice... Obviously i'm not telling every1 my problems for a reason- cuz they're my problems.
I'm really looking forward to an off day on sunday just to be able to re-examine my entire situation. I need a day to kick my feet up and just think cuz I'm obviously not happy right now and that shouldnt be. My heads been spinning like a friggen draddle during the 1st night of chanukah and i'd like to find a way to ground myself. Cuz as of late i've been testy, edgy and down right esplosive at times and i know thats not the real me- just 1 thats stressed out to the max. (By the way: im sweating like a hooker in church right now- its so fucking hot. I thought the basement was supposed to be the coolest place in the house- def not the case tonite.)
Anyway- switching topics a little bit...I dont wanna seem like a bitch..i know i've complained on this medium since i started it last year but i really dont think im that much of a complainer. Atleast i try not to be but Saturdays suck balls at Saf-t-Swim!!! We're talking big, huge, hairry balls here...not like the marbles u put in ur mouth when u were a kid- its more like a bufallo's balls.... First off i think its a conspiracy that every1 and i do mean every1 in the office pushes the worst parents to saturdays for me and angelica to deal with...couple that with the most inconsistant and unreliable instructors, plus an assistant manager who doesnt assist or manage, and that spells chaos. I am 22 years old but i feel like im going to be 73 b/c this place is the fucking death of me. Never in my life did i ever envy Notorious B.I.G. until today... b/c on the ride home from work I was praying for 20 bullets to hit the driver side of my thunderbird. Biggie's a lucky bastard if u ask me.
Alright thats about all i can muster up for now- hopefully the jets win tomorrow and put a smile on my face for atleast a little while.
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