Out With The Old..In with the New

After "living" through 23 years on this earth i know that it's getting harder and harder to remember things. The years always seem to blend into 1 another.. and faces and names are starting to vanish from my head like its a David Blaine trick. So as yet another year comes to an end, it's time to reflect for a moment and reminisce about all the happenings of the past year...before we forget all about it. Only a few memories come to my mind but that doesn't mean the year was a waste... In fact, I've got to say that 2005 was a rather significant year for me. I was able to achieve some major personal goals in route to taking the first step towards adulthood..

Here are a just a few things that happened this year... I went to my first basketball game, went to a PROM (has to be in caps), Jury duty, the S-o-X, graduated HOFSTRA, was in a wedding party, hittin up the bars, Cape Cod (amazing!), Atlantic City, Jets training camp, fire pit at Bert's house, quit Saf-t-Swim, started at Canon USA, "knife to the heart"(i'm an idiot!!), and Atlantic City yet again. It was a good year....then again, '05 wasn't just grins and giggles..i had a lot of family issues which kind of offset the mood a little bit...BUT thats life- right? we don't live in a perfect world so u have to embrace the good and push away the bad...i know its cliche but i guess i have kind of a Hallmark outlook on life.

Movie Picks...The top 5 of '05.....1-Sin City,(possibly the best movie ever) 2- Cinderella Man, (Oscar worthy) 3- Wedding Crashers (hysterical), 4- Hitch, (i got nothing to back this up..i just remember liking it) 5- Mr and Mrs Smith.(Angelina looked good). (NOTE: i didn't see King Kong or 40 year old virgin but they probably would take the 4th and 5th spot). Worst movie of the year-  Aeon Flux, followed closely by Constantine. 

So with this year practically behind us,  lets take a look ahead...As of this moment, i don't have any big plans yet for new years eve...although im hoping something falls into place real real soon. Any suggestions??? If i'm watching Dick Clark with mom and Dad- the balls not the only thing that's gonna drop if u know what i mean (and if u do ur smarter than i am cuz i don't even get that). However i do have some set plans for 2006..i'm not a psychic but i do see big things.....BIG THINGS in '06 lol...not really i just tell myself that. The real plan is to stay statusquo. If my life were a sports franchise the next few years would have to be considered "rebuilding years". I got to start prepping for the future. These steps include saving as much money as possible, and even going back to college for my masters. ..but that doesn't mean- i cant have fun this year. I am all set to go on a cruise later this year, AC again... and who knows what else- im in as long as its logical and i can get off work... It's times like now where u really understand what looking at the "opportunity cost" is all about..Its not always about utilitarianism. Much like Miss independent, Kelly Clarkson, i too don't stray too far from the sidewalk. Did i lose u? Basically i wanna stay on track while still managing to have fun- its possible!!

If i were to make 1 resolution this coming year- it would have to be...to be more personable. I think my quietness is mistaken for anger and really that's not the case. In most cases i'm actually a pretty nice person but it take quite some time for me to open up....I'd like to change that. i want to be more bubbly than champagne...Its definitely somethign i'm gonna have to work on- i have to open up and change my old way of thinking.  Thats my first priority..i think taking my self off block was a good first step. I also wanna get in great shape this year- its a goal every year but damn it, i mean it this time lol. I think my upper body has improved a little so now its time to focus on the lower region...aka, the gut! I'm gonna try and spend some long hours working to get in tip top shape...so lets see how long i last before i say fuck it, turn on the tv and eat raw cookie dough.....I also may finally get the lasik surgery done- Lord knows i need it. Its getting to the point where i need to carry pocket binoculars to sneak a peek at the ladies lol. Speaking of which, i think the last thing (actually the first thing) i'd like to achieve this year is finally getting a g/f. I know this was my resolution last year and i failed..I'll admit it, i definitely failed- its not easy to find good girls..i did meet a grea girl but it dint work out...but with more and more of my friends occupied on Friday nites- i find myself in need of somewhere to go and some1 to love lol. So now this year- there are no excuses. Do i have options- ehhh i guess but i honestly don't think i found the right girl yet (or i should sayhavent found the right single girl).. i still hold out hope lol...i know a lot of great girls but for whatever reason- i don't feel it would work out....and why waste time?? one day, hopefully soon i'll meet her and we'll be set.  I have set down a mental time frame that i'd like to have a g/f by but i know that's kinda stupid cuz its not really something u can plan...So i guess i'll just keep going through life as i am and hope that everything works out for the best.

In achieving all this i know i'm gonna have to spend a lot less time on the computer- cuz god knows its ruining my life. As a result i probably wont be writing as many journals. I'm not giving it up all together but i am going to try my best to make better use of my time. If it doesn't work out- I'll be back here- so you'll know if i stuck to it or not.Wish me luck.

Here are some random things that i hope happen in 06- 1- my sports teams get better....(I can't imagine them getting any worse). 2- Kanye West gets beaten up reallly, really, really, really bad. I know what ur thinking - why not just wish death upon that cocky no talent son of a buzzard- well i'll tell you why. His death would spark outrage amung assholes and idiots everywhere...and they would glorify him as if he was the next john lenon (kinda like they did with tupac). But really- he isn't, he's annoying like the bealtes (not the band, the insects)....3-The US troops come home safe (no joke there)  4- telaporting finally becomes a reality 5- pro wrestling becomes an Olympic sport 6- homosexuality becomes extinct when scientists realize gay people are clinically insane. 7- Wendy's comes out with a 50 cents menu, 8- they stop making American pie movies...i'll stop there but believe me i have so many more wishes for the new year....

My last wish is that I hope everyone has a healthy and safe new year!! I hope everyone experiences BIG THINGS in 06!! (see i'm really trying to be a positive person)

Dec. the Halls

I don't know how many more journals I'll be able to squeeze in before the new year so i figured i'd add a little bit more today and pretty much whenever i can. I know i'd like to have 1 more large blog to kind of tie this year in a little bow...but we'll see if time allows it...obviously today is not the day. Today i'd rather focus my self professed "busy month."

Let me start by saying that I HATE December. I hate this month almost as much as i hate terrorism, diseases and Kanye West.... December's like the kid who got picked last in gym class. If December  was personified it be the Bladwin brother that no1 really cares for ....or for my black friends, it's the Sean Wayans of months.

 First of all it's cold, and im talking brutally cold. What's sad is that the weather has just started to change and and i'm already starting my winter rant. The thing is I just know its gonna get a lot worse before it gets better. Don't get me wrong, I like wearing sweaters but  lets get real- if i don't have to shiver like a leaf on a dying tree- i'd prefer not to. Waking up early and defrosting the car sux  more than words can describe. Everyday i mutter obscenities as i scrape the ice off the windshield. Furthermore, I really loathe the people who say "i love the snow"....i always act really surprised but what i really mean to say is "Aww that's b/c ur an idiot...Move to Antartica". These people are usually females and don't lift a finger when its time to shovel. I hate to stereotype but that's just what i've noticed. Basically if you love the snow - ur not out there enough...and driving in it is chaos. I think driving on a sunny day can be dangerous- adding snow is like adding bazookas to a friendly paintball game.

But another reason i don't like December is because of the holidays. During the year I don't go shopping b/c i never know what to get myself...but now i gotta do my best john edwards impression and pick something for people i don't really know..I dont mind getting gifts for family cuz well..they're family!!! But people from work and neighbors and ...this holiday is out of control. Are we forgetting that this holiday is built on a lie?? I'm not even talking about the so called "jolly fat man". But since you brought it up- Why do we have to lie to these kids- I think telling them that Mommy and Daddy bought the presents would make the kids respect his/her parents more than giving all the credit to a bushy bearded miracle man with a magic slay. I'm talking about the "virgin" Mary. Unless her full name is Mary Houdini... I just don't get it. But every year i am forced to partake in the gift giving. I have to go to the mall and push my way through like i'm at a metallica concert. AND What is with the store greeters in every store?? "Hello, how are you...need any help" STFU!!! I cant help but think "Aren't there any other jobs you can be doing, are u really getting paid for this??" I swear to god i hate it- i purposely pick up clothes that i'd never wear unfold them as if i am interested in making a purchase and drop them...basically saying "here, do something and fold this!!" (for those of you who witnessed my blunder "Jesus died on christmas" i am certainly embarassed... i have gone through years and years of religious instruction and u'd think i'd know that x-mas was his birthday...haha-thanks Wildes--i suck)

Another reason i hate December (and so should you) is b/c i was born on this vile month. Every December I feel older and older and it sucks. The good times are over- i only have social security and retirement to look forward to.  My friends know the deal by now and they dont even acknowledge my birthday. I think pretty much everyone knows the date (i tried my hardest to keep it a secret but somehow the secret got out) which is fine as long as i don't get any special attention. i don't like to be singled out- i'm no better than anyone else so why should i have my own special day??

But with age comes change- a man who thinks the same at 23 years old as he did when he was 18 has wasted 5 years of his life...I like to think i haven't wasted my life. I think i have changed-maybe not dramatically but definitely a little bit..I've gotten a little mentally tougher...and a bit more hateful. I still am nicest to know- i just know a lot less people. I remember deleting my entire buddy list as kind of a social experiment to see who my true friends were.  I dont want to go into the long process but i basically kept myself on block for the entire 5 years..up until now. I dont think i need to block people anymore- it's time to grow up. It's time for more growing, more changes...2006...Stay Tuned

A Prepared Statement

I give my friends a lot of credit b/c I realize that holding down a conversation with me is no simple task. Sometimes I have trouble expressing myself verbally and others times i just don't have anything to say. So 1 on 1 chats with me can be more one-sided than a Tyson fight. I try and add my 2 cents whenever possible but i still feel its never enough . I guess i'm kind of a human fortune cookie in a way b/c I have little tidbits of wisdom which i share with people but never fully elaborate on. That's why this journal thingy is so great- it gives me a chance to speak on things. I know I've kinda been slackin a little but that's a direct result of lack of time and material. However i now have an abundance of both- so lets get down and dirty.

"He who fails to plan, should plan to fail" - I've always loved this quote b/c its a philosophy i subscribe to. I'm a planner. I plan everything from my daily chores to my retirement. ie-When its cold out i bring a jacket and gloves, when i don't know where i'm going i get there extra early, I even have quarters tucked away in my wallet- just in case. i liked to be prepared for anything and everything. I guess i kinda look at things on a grand scale. I don't wanna brag but i feel like i have the ability and foresight to see the big picture. That's the gift God gave me-(yeah thanks GOD!! I couldn't be great at basketball or crazy intelligent- no this is my gift). I am grateful though b/c i know a lot of people have it in fact some people scoff at my beliefs. They like to live day to day and minute by minute. As i said before i sketch things out and look at the big picture- these people take it piece by piece and paint by numbers. It really fascinates me/boggles my mind. I'm not saying i'm better than them- i'm just saying that we are on totally different frequencies. My friend recently blasted me for lacking spontaneity and he's right. I'm more predictable than a Hollywood break up but u know what i don't care. My ex girlfriend did but i dont!!! I'd rather be prepared for my future than wondering what tomorrow will bring. He's great though- he's living life to the fullest and he's got dreams and aspirations that make Bill Gates jealous. I guess the reason i am so future oriented is b/c i still haven't figured out what i want to do with my life. Yeah im doing ok for now but i dont know if i'm going to work for Canon my whole life. I'm just bulding a foundation...My friend knows what he wants to do and he knows there is plenty of money there for him so that's prob why hes so care free. He recently went on rant about how hes organizing a road trip cross country. He's going to buy a bus, pimp it out and hit the highway...That's something I'd never do for the sole reason- its not financially smart. We had a long chat and i told him my concerns- he's aware of them all and he still wants to do it. The only thing i can say to that is that i wish him him. It's been a dream of his and if he can make it a reality than thats fantastic. My only dream was to be a pro wrestler and that dream died about the same time Owen Hart did. I traded in my dreams for a cubicle and number 2 pencils..but i'm doing fine.

My self esteem is making a slow climb towards normality. I've been puttering on empty for almost four years now but all it took were a few compliments and now im cruising. I dont know why but these things always seem to happen in bunches- and btw..when did the word "bunches" become gay??? I got crucified for saying that word but u know what- im gonna keep saying b/c its a fun word....bunches of fun....anyway i remember working at k-mart and having a little fan club but its been years since then. And i think time has def hurt me more than it has helped. So I really dont know whats going on- im waiting for ashton kutcher to pop out and act all stupid that way things can get back to what im used to. But i hope something good comes out of it.

Things at Canon are going well. Last Thursday was Secret Santa day..i know it sounds a bit on the homosexual side but it wasn't too bad. It was equipped with FREE pizza (multiple toppings available) and Starbucks!! Plus we also had free cake!! it was most enjoyable. Little FYi- apparently secret santa means don't put your name on the card..it's supposed to be a mystery- i didnt know that. This coming thursday is another holiday party with homemade dishes- so i'm gonna have to enlist my bro to cook up something good.

Well thats enough for today- i have so much more to say but i'll save it for another time.

 

Comment Bored

Have you ever been in a situation that pissed you off so fucking much that you can't even fathom it. You get so fucking angry you have to control yourself with every remaining ounce of strength. You wanna yell, you wanna scream, you wanna break some skulls. You pace up and down and watch tv but you're really not watching tv at all. To divert attention you actually laugh as an emotional escape to hide the frustrations. No? Nobody can relate? Well it doesn't happen often but to me, it happens. In fact that is my current mind frame as i'm writing this. I can't even explain it or justify my anger b/c i know it will be shrugged off and filed under the category of "no big deal" but to me it is. I know i tend to be a little over sensitive and i realize that this may be a prime example but at the same time i do feel somewhat disrespected and for that no excuse will do. I don't even think its worth bringing up b/c like Mary J blidge- I don't want no more drama in my life.

So lets switch gears like Lance Armstrong.

Let me put you in another scenario, hopefully this one will ring a bell.... Have you ever said or muttered the phrase "i don't care what people think of me"...yeah u know u have. Everyone says it but the fact is- EVERYONE CARES. You might not respect the person enough to validate his or her opinion but you still wanna know how you're perceived. I know I've said that i don't care what people think- i seem to live by that attitude but its not true. In the past few weeks I've heard 2 comments that really took me off guard and made me scratch my head like a circus chimp. They aren't mean spirited or meant to cause me anger..just comments said in passing that i didn't expect...The first comment came from someone at my old stomping grounds, s-t-s. She's relatively new there but i worked with her on a couple of occasions and have seen her a bunch of times. So she has  developed a perception of me...With that being said she's also14 years old. Fourteen year olds aren't usually looked upon for their wisdom but in any case- she made a comment....and as everyone knows, getting insulted is never easy to take but for some reason it tends to sting a little bit more when your getting dissed on by someone who isn't old enough to ride the bumper cars. This fourteen year girl said to me "Oh you'll never get married." What balls, right??? lol Definitely not theworst thing that's been said to me but it still stung. I guess it stung b/c i feel their is some truth in it. It wouldn't have hurt if i didn't find it a credible criticism. I know have issues... some minor, some major and i need to overcome them or I'll find myself- just like i am right now...cranky and alone.

The next comment was certainly a welcomed one..it was said by in essence, a complete and utter stranger. Side bar: I don't know if you guys noticed this but quotes from random people seem to be more effecting than things said by people u know. Like when a family member compliments u- its like whatever- their family... but when a stranger says "nice shirt" your face lights up with excitement...you go home and wash it immediately and can't wait to wear it again....Anyway back to the quote, if i may indulge myself ... "He (me) is so good looking"...Now i could be mistaken- but if that was truly said to me- it not only made my day but  also the bulk of my work week. I was walking around town whistling and shit. Actually laughing about it. I mean, really???? I've been called a lot of things by a lot of people- but good looking isn't ringing many bells. Good looking? yeah perhaps compared to a burn victim. People are strange. But whatever, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder...and she might have a glass eye-( i don't really know).It  was an uplifting comment though and i felt i should share it with you- hopefully u get as much humor out of it as i did.

I'm really bored but i'm not in the mood to continue so i'm gonna stop it right here.