Oh God

Formerly titled Catholicism..(i think i used that title before) The past few weeks have been an emotional test of strength for me. I've gotten through it to the best of my ability but i still have so many unanswered questions. Questions that only God could answer...but  then again, even that's questionable. I've been really skeptical lately about the whole concept of God and his "plan."

I've never been an avid church go-er, i lost the faith many years ago but i always held a belief that there was/is a God and he looks out for us and he (that's right God's a He) has that master plan which everyone speaks of...I don't know why but i bought into all the stereotypical gospel shit, i guess its because i wanted to believe in something....and to a certain extent i still do. I want to believe that My Uncle's soul is in heaven or is still currently with us and protecting us...but i cant be certain of that.

One thing i am certain of is that too much credit is given to God and religion in general. Do we really know anything at all about God? No- not at all....we dont even know if he existed.. How did humans form, the planets, the sun??- oh it was God's doing and the virgin Mary and yada yada yada...its all illogical.speculation and dare i say bullshit.  I wish people would just through their hands up and be like "i don't fucking know"...cuz really we don't. If u think about it- we take the information written in the bible from people who weren't educated - the earth was flat, no such thing as gravity, even the weather changing was like a thing of the gods....I just don't have the heart to believe in the holy spirit, the Pope and all the disciples. I still however,  do believe in the human soul and even psychics communicating with the dead...but that may fall into the case of me having wishful thinking..nothing is guaranteed after we pass on- nothing!

And although that last statement may support "the live life for today" debate it doesn't support a family. This is why saving money and building for a future is still definitely a smart thing to do...but, that's for another day and another time so i digress. Life is short- and i cant let this unfortunate occurrence ruin my future and my life. My self professed monacure- "Big things in '06" still holds true, now more so than ever...B/c im determined to climb that ladder again.  Although i should have known my life would take a turn for the worse- i was riding high for way too long. My self esteem was up, i was having a good time, even the knicks were winning. It was just too good.

Last nite- all my friends  got together at the bowling allie and although i loved having everyone together..i didnt care too much for the venue. But it was good having everyone out and tonite we are going out to a restaurant for Melissa's birthday, so its an exciting weekend (for me).

Uncle Phil

There truely is no Good in goodbye....only tears and sadness. The past few days have been just that...actually they've been more than that, they have been without a doubt the worst days of my life.

My Uncle Phillup was an amazing man. His smile could light up a room and his personality was warm an inviting. He was a big kid - always playful, always joking around. If u knew him- u loved him...He was impossible to hate. That's why i know the next few weeks, months, and even years will be extremely difficult and incomplete now that he has passed away. I'll miss him more than he'll ever know- more than anyone will ever know. No matter what i say or write- u still can't grasp how much this man meant to me.  I kick myself for all the things i never did and all the things i never told him....now it's too late.

 It's been a week of unimaginable pain, inconsolable sorrows and unbelievable heartache. I feel as if there is an emptiness that looms around me as well as a void inside of me. I don't cry often but i feel no shame in telling u that the past few days i've cried more than i ever thought possible. I was a snotty, buggary, blubbering mess and something tells me the tears arent gone yet. I guess i was blessed the past 22 years without ever experiencing a loss of this magnitude. But somehow u're never prepared for it. He was only 60 years old and he passed away from a suspected heart attack as he was raking leaves. Its still hard to look at those words and not have my eyes well up with tears.

When i said Big things in '06 i never envisioned this. It only took 9 days for 2006 to beome the worst year of my life....I just want to say- I love you Uncle Phil...I loved u so so much. I'll never forget you.

I'll write more when i feel up to it.