25 to Life

Two years ago, I recall using the monicor "big things in '06"  with huge optimism.... and that def. foreshadowed a horrific begining to a year which i still want to forget. I either learned my lesson or I was just too scared to be optimistic to start this past year. So to begin 2007, i didnt do my normal hype. I kept it low key, like Tim Allen's carear...I didn't write out my expectations for the new year and I didnt want to reflect on "ohhh 6". In retrospect maybe I should have, but '06 was so shitty for me that I didn't want to set the bar, I just kind of wanted to limbo my way through the year.  

People always say that good things happen when you least expect it.. and i really wasnt expecting much for 2007.  However, as the year chugged along, I rarely felt overwhelmed. You can just scroll down and see that i havent really written much in the past 12 months..and knowing that i basically use this forum solely to vent- that's a good thing. So overall 2007 was a pretty good year for me. Even though I don't think I achieved ANY of my goals, I feel I made a lot of good decisions which are significant building blocks towards the future.

Highlights/memories of 2007: My first promotion, Sumer of Sin- Las Vegas, Bert's party (BP CHAMPS! ...and steven jackson), trip to Chicago, "see you at the hoover dam", Kara's graduation/Sim's birthday (long beach, mets' game, Nutty), 4th of July at Raquel's, Shuffle Board, 1st Monday night football, The historic Giants game, Mountain Creek, Happy Hour, Red Lobster, Christmas Party, Scavanger hunt, Haunted Hayride trip, Wiz of Oz,  Old Westbury Radio, Thanksgiving, Victorious sports weekend.

Now that I'm 25 this is it. I dont really feel I have a lot of time to waste anymore. So with 2008 around the corner, i dont want to say "big things"... but I do hope for a little bit better. In a lot of cases, I know what has to be done, its just a matter of doing it. '08 represents a fresh start. A year which is more wide open than the legs of 1 of the Spears' sisters. 

When Im here alone and ur there at home, hello

In the words of Neil Diamond, "hello, my friend, hello".

It's been a lilttle while since I stepped up to the mic. I think i have had a long case of writer's block which is kind of pathetic considering this forum is about anything and everything. I guess I've just been waiting for a muse or that stick of dynamite. But truth be told- I'm sick of waiting. So i figured i'd find my inner Forrester and "PUNCH THE KEYS".  And, since my life is like a well that has run dry.. let me start off with a little current events.

The Mall shooting in Omaha Nebraska

The police say this kid was depressed, so he decided take a rifle to the mall and do some skeet shooting. On his suicide note he said that he wanted to "go out in style".... Well, pardon me but I belive that mass killings haven't really been "in style" since the Hitler days.  Lets be honest, Hitler had consentration camps and gas chambers...you might not like it, but that shit's impressive. It wasn't just a kid with an oozie who was pissed b/c he didnt get teddy rucksbin for x-mas. .. No, Hitler was a short  grumpy muchkin with a Charlie Chaplan mustache that controled an army of mercanaries.  Kudos and hats off. I can't even get my friends to respond back to an e-vite, and Adolf Hitler has strangers killing Jews. Thats like some David Blaine shit.

But since Hitler it's been done to fucking death (pun intended). And done poorly too i might add. This most recent attempt is one of the saddest in history. Obviously this Napolean Dynamite looking bastard put zero thought into this. I mean if your going to go to the mall and kill people- why do it randomly?  Have a fucking purpose. Do the world a favor and kill the store greeters at the Gap, Express and Aeropastle .. or get the people that pass out flyers or the vendors that are always asking "can i ask you a questions." Bang, Bang, Bang... maybe then you'll make a god damn difference in the world. But no, this dopey fuck decides to pick out of a hat. and i keep calling him names, in part b/c i dont know his real name. Aside from those who knew him in real life and those that live in his town...his name will not be remembered. He migth be top story for a day, or in the papers for a month...but thats it. He won't be remembered. Look at that Chinese nut case that killed people at his school. If I remember correctly, he did have somewhat of a purpose.. he was mad at his ex girlfriend and he prob hated the school... so he went guns a blazing. But he atleast had the foresigth to know that no1 would remember his name. So he dubbed himself "Questionmark". which would have been the same answer if someone asked me today what his real name was. But the list goes on and on... does any1 know one of the guys from the Colombine shooting? I think I'm one of the few people that even remember the unibomber let alone his name (Ted Kazinsky). So people who do this to go out in style or to be famous aren't even smart enough to realize that nomatter what they do no1 will give a shit. They end up a punch line in most comedian's sets. So really  they are are leaving as even bigger jokes as they came in. sad but true.

And honestly I dont know how I feel about suicide. A lot of people call it the cowards way out..but is it? i think you have to have a lot of moxie to end your own life. That shit takes balls. Some people call it selfish and i def. understand that. leaveing your family and friends to grieve is def. in poor taste, but if your life is so fucked up and you feel that you cant take another second..who am I to judge. Maybe they really are "in a better place".

Moving on... I'm trying to get back to where i was a few months ago, maybe even a year ago. Back on my grind. Trying to get back to the gym, and trying to be a  better me in every way possible. It's a social experiment that usually last a couple months.. but lets see how it goes.

Weekdend bliss...

In marketing, you are always trying to hit your target audience or "target market". Those in the business world know that in order to adequately market your product, you really have to focus all your attention on that specified demographic. If you sucessfully reach your target audience and also develop other consumers, you know your product can potentially be very successful and lucrative.

I equate that philosophy with this journal. My target market was originally myself, but through time it has evolved..and i have developed quite a small colt fan base. Now i write journals with a new focus and new intent. In essense i've reclassified my product. I even have readers that i never knew i had which are "peeping" this blog for updates. This revelation has got me excited to Ron Jeremy proportions.  For that reason alone, I've  decide to dedicate my tueday night to a little late nite journey...

For starters...Let me just say how phenomenal my weekends have been lately. I don't know why...can't really put my finger on it..but I'm fucking TGIFing it every week. It could be b/c football season is in full swing, or it could be b/c I get to spend some quality time with Lynn, orrr perhaps happy hour with the canon kids, or maybe it could just be the late nite sha-bang with the fellas..whatever it is, bahda bah bah bah...im loving it.

My sundays are especially priceless..i get all the shit done on sat..the cleaners, the bank, food shopping, gas, Iaovorone, cleaning/washing cars, yada yada yada...and on sunday I do nothing but watch football and yell at my TV. It's quickly becoming my favorite past time, surpassing my old favorite..which involved lots and lots of lotion lol. I love just listening to the commentators and watchin the game- like its supposed to be watched. Not in crowded sports bar or room filled with annoying family members...alone on a couch/matress with the voice of boomer esiasan or greg gumbel... Next wknd Im venturing outside the comfort zone and trying to include lynn in some of my sunday fun...i think we all know how thats going to turn out though...

What else....  Oh for my records sake I need to document my memorable sports outing last friday nite... I not only dominated a game of arcade basketball at strike against 3 african americans...Caver, Lakesha and Tiffany, with an astounding 67 pt performance....but i then won in bowling, and then came home to beat Jimmy Boye at darts. Next sat...I'm bringing the streak to Bert's house for beer pong..where brad an i are already undefeated in sanctioned games. lol

Wow..i felt like i had so much to write and now i have nothing. to be continued...

The Sossy Truth

With Labor day wknd finishing up tomorrow, that will pretty much put a bow on the "Summer of Sin". As is the case every year, the intriguing label is an exaggerated version of the sadder truth... its kind of the big yearly joke that my life has become less dynamic than a tombstone..but it's fun to pretend that it's not. This summer wasn't exactly "sinful" especially when you take into account that I played shuffleboard more than most senior citizens... but truth be told I think the summer did live up to the title...

I accomplished so much this summer and had lots of fun. Going to Vegas was just the icing on the cake. But all and all this has probaly been the best summer in recent years. I feel like my schedule was packed tighter than the Presidents (or maybe not, but DEF. the Vice President- wtf does he do?) . I really owe a lot of thanks to my friends for that. Without them I probably would have lived my summer like a hermet crab. Sim and Boye have really been my summer saviors...always including me in their plans...even if its going to some low class pub to meet people from red lobster or driving around aimlessly just to salvage a night. I like quinns, but how many times can u have warm food and even warmer beer...its good to spice things up every so often. Boye and sim provided that for me...They have saved me from a slow and painful Nick at Nite death...or maybe even an Owen Wilson-esque moment.

But last nite was spent taking it all in. After a few frozen drinks with Sim City...I went to my "thinking spot" and tried to put everything into perspecive. I dont know if thats normal but its something that is becoming more and more common in my old age. My life, my relationship- lows, and my family...were the subjects dejour and nothing was off limits.  Adfter an hour or so of muttering to myself and mass debating, I walked out feelin' refreshed and tired. I dont know if it did me any good...but I want to think it did.

So with Bert's BBQ next wknd I think it''ll be the end of a long but enjoyable summer. Hopefully the goodtimes don't end and  they start to carry over...maybe the new season will kick up a notch with "the Truth" O'Malley....we'll see.

Normal Rant

Lynn once told me that I was the most normal guy she had ever met. I don't know why she said that, nor do I know if that's quite a compliment. (And to be honest, her saying that I'm normal is like Chris Benoit telling me that I'd be a good father). But whether it is a compliment or isn't, I'm not so sure I agree.

Perhaps I am "normal" in the traditional sense. I  have never had to battle a drug or alcohol problem, and I never found myself associated with a "dangerous" crowd. I stayed in school and learned  responsibility through real life situations.... I learned to budget my time and money and I was able to follow a straight path to the present.  That's my deal...(old school call back). Oh and I masterbate constantly lol.

But to me avoiding drugs, prison time, and an unplanned "bun in the over" doesn't seem to be too hard of a task.  Looking through my year book I'm sure I can find a few people that have fallen prey to at least 1, if not all 3 (cough Ariel cough) of the fore mentioned life deterrents..which is hard to explain considering they were the product of the same education and social system that i went through...but inevitably they choose to go down that road. One might assume that this could be a product of how they were raised. I personally believe some of that to be true.. and some, not so much.  I have been blessed to be part of a strong nuclear family which remains intact.  I think my momma raised me right, but I also think it's possible to over come shitty life situations. You just gotta power through it. I believe that when I become a daddy I'm going to handle my family differently than the way my father does... in the end people can define their own legacy.   The choice is yours, and its the choice of a new generation...

Perhaps my life journey wasn't as adventurous as the "abnormal", but I think I followed my own code of ethics... and doing the right thing isn't always the easiest....so props to me. But i still don't view myself as normal. I don't think "normal" people do constant self analysis'. I also don't think it's normal to be as anti-social and judgmental as I am. And I definitely KNOW its not normal for a mid 20 year old to be writing blogs and being unresponsive to phone calls. These are character flaws and everyone has them- but they aren't "normal".  I'm not even going to delve into my own personal inner demons which may be more abnormal than people could ever imagine. Basically, I've got more screws loose than that bridge in Minnesota.

But what is normal anyway? Normal and average are sometimes synonymous... and who the fuck strives to be average?...oh no not I.  Others may define normal- as without dysfunction.  But i think everyone deals with dysfunction in one way or another...even if its not caused by their own doing.  So i guess being normal would be the act of positively battling that dysfunction..or giving the illusion to others that they are not dysfunctional. ehhh- kinda weak. I don't think of normal as a magic track..plus if you have ever seen David Copperfield, David Blain or Chris Angel- they look anything but normal.

I think most people just regard normal as plain or simple. Being normal to most people is living a non complex life. Living a "normal" life doesn't get rewarded though. I think in most respects I am "on the level" but in today's world that isn't good enough. If i continue to work hard at my 9-5 and save my money it won't matter b/c I'll never get ahead. Lotto winners and celebrities aside, it seems like all the rich people have either inherited money or have gotten it through shady biz.  SO normal- isn't achieving greatness.
 
To me, normal is just a starting point, a ground zero... and in the end if you live your life as pure as when you were born into it,  I guess that's a good thing...

Inspiration

A year or so ago, I remember complaining about how I never had that 1 moment of clarity. In talking with 1 of my friends, he was able to recall a time in his life where everything clicked into place...Not me. I've had peaks of greatness and valleys of humility... but I've never had that 1 moment where everything just made sense...Today I still wait for that epiphany with bated breath, however I'm more hopeful today..than I was ever before.

On Friday of last week I was inspired by a woman who has done nothing but inspire me since I've met her. She's a consummate professional and model employee. The type of person I try and emulate, not only for her work ethic and behavior but for her morality and heart. Her name is Lucia and in terms of work, she's my everything. She's the 1 who recommended me for my current position and she's been my mentor ever since. She is sweet as sugar but at the same time she's all business...and I love that about her. In a Japanese company such as Canon, she positively represents the American worker in a way not often seen. She's smart, hard working and efficient- the triple threat of the business world.  On top of all that- she's a wonderful person. I could site numerous examples but I think its easier if you take my word for it..She's become a very close friend in a very short time.

...And friendship is not something I excel at. For those who call me "a friend", I  know it hasn't been easy. I usually don't return phone calls and I really don't initiate them either. I also maybe 1 of the few people who has lost more friends on "myspace" than he has gained - lol. I know I'm fucked up that way... its a combination of pride, respect, and social ineptness which has made me the person I am today. I make no apologies for it but i really do appreciate those who have stood by me and those who appreciate me in light of my flaws.

Anywayy.. I was inspired by Lucia. She told me a heart warming tale about her and her fiance that almost brought tears to my eyes. The moral of the story, was A+B= C. So in my case, what I'm lacking now (a girl friend, career direction, better social and carpentry skills) may all be resolved if I find the missing link...(maybe not the carpentry skills.) I used to get down on myself b/c my high school blue print is a lot different than what it is today.. metaphorically speaking, a lot of projects seem to have been delayed but as a result of lack of materials. Due to Lucia's help.. i don't carehow long it takes, as long as i reach the end result.

A Tale For The Ages..

If this seems familair..it is..

They say with age comes wisdom, well that might be true but I've also noticed that age also brings with it personality changes. For one, I am not as patient as I was say 5 or 6 years ago. My "old man" has a tendency to fly off the handle a little too often for my liking and he admittedly has lost his patience in his older years. So if I'm losing my patience now, I can't imagine myself in 20 years from now. My older brother never had any patience, so I really shutter to think what he'll be like. One thing is for certain, my kids are fucked!

On the other hand, I look at what pisses me off now and I wonder how i put up with it for so god damn long. I think i used to have the patience of saint and now I'm less forgiving and more into making people accountable for their actions.. For better or worse, thats how it is. For instance, my parents ask me to do shit and I just feel like I'm getting ass raped. Obviously I'm still living in their house (rent free) so I certainly should contribute and respect their rules..but I also tend to think that I should be allowed a little more libirties with my older status and full time occupation. I guess thats under their disgression but I'm becoming more cognant of it. It's also a matter of me not taking as much guff as I used to. At first I thought it was a phase..but the phase never ended..I no longer want to listen to 2 faced, double talk. Nore do I feel the need to entertain Stupidity, Immaturity, Gossip, Spite, and Nonsencical Bullshit .. thats low class high school shit. The only drama I want in my life are the ones in my DVD library. Everything else, "come what may" but I'm not going to constantly try and put out fires that are being started by the douche-bag next to me holding a blow torch and a gasoline can.  I just don't repect stuff like that.

And "respect" is something that has always been big with me...I guess its the Italian in me. The word "respect" in a lot of ways represents my reason for living. As you know, respect is gained and lost daily. I'm constantly trying to gain my own self respect by handling every situation with dignity and class. I hope that 1 day when people look back at me they will me view me in a similar manner, and by that,  respect me for what I stood for. But I feel like my self discipline seems to erode when I'm faced with a situation which I deem as rude, childish or blatently disrespectful. The situation seems to get the best of me and my mood is more volatile. I try and make the est of a bad situation, but my displeasure is obvious and visable to all.

All and all I know no-one is perfect.. and being the same age as alot of my friends, I see changes in them as well. I know I'm not alone in the process of self fulfillment. I guess for me, I'm just at an age where patience meets respect..

Chris Benoit

With every pro wrestler that dies, i always seem to get a little upset for obvious reasons. I know I dont know them on a personal level, and their passing by no means is as significant as that of a close friend, neighbor, or relative...However, growing up with wrestling figures, and watching them every week leads to some sort of unexplainable bond. They were my favorite friends and villians, they were my top celebrities, and in some cases they were my idols.

I could go through the long list of my fallen heroes that passed away prematuraly, but I'm pretty sure I've done that before and if I haven't you probably don't care anyway. BUT the death of Chris Benoit was certainly the most painful of them all.

He was without a doubt my favorite living wrestler. The guy was an intense athlete who wrestled every match like it was his last.. it's been said that he could wrestle a broomstick and put on a good show..and its true. Wrestling was his passion..it was"his mistress". Wrestling consumed his life...and I as a fan appreciated that passion. He always entertained me..and no matter who he was up against..I never felt like he didn't have a shot of winning. Yeah i know- wrestling is fake but some of the smaller guys wrestle the bigger guys and you just watch and shake your head thinking.."yeah like he could really win this fight in real life". But Benoit could fight God and I'd think he could win- because of his work ethic and his intensity..you always knew it was gonna be a good show. His no-nonsence, no gimmick persona eraned him the nicknames of the Canadian Crippler and The Rabid Wolverine.

With all that said, his alleged double murder-suicide of his family is absolutely horrific. I can't condone his actions- I don't see how anyone could. When i first found out the news- I was in disbelief and still today I hold out hope that some how, some way he is not to blame. I want him to be regarded as heroic, the same way I viewed him..But as more and more details leak out, i face the sad truth.

His wife was also kind of a big deal in the wrestling world, although she had been out of the spot light for a few years. Her alias was "Woman", and she met Benoit through a story line in WCW which involved her then husband..story mirrored real life and they got together. (Watching those interviews and matches- was a wresling fans nirvana- real life feelings and pot shots..it was amazing to see). But her passing also pains me...and to hear Bill O'Riely say that she should have seen the warning signs is outrageous..she is in no way shape or form to blame for anything. And then the 7 year old- thats the topper. I heard reports that he was part mentally retarded as well which adds a new level of sadness..I'm not going to get into the HGH hormones that were said to be injected...the story gets weirder and weirder with every news story i hear.

But i think the saddest thing of all is how Benoit will be remembered. The guy was a living legend in the ring, a sure WWE hall of famer. (He was scheduled to win the title the next night but for whatever reason, he opted out of his life). Some may say he cheated to get where he was (steroids) but he never cheated the fans...He never mailed it in. In my opinion, he worked his ass off and deserved much more than what he got...but he still achieved greatness.

I still view him as a hero..as creepy as that sounds. But if you think about it Van Gogh was a nut job..he cut off his ear and comitted suicide..but he is still regarded as an amazing artist..I think the same should be held true for the Canadian Crippler (the character, the wrestler). His work in the ring should be viewed on its own. A lot of people or quick to call him "sick" and "an animal" and you know what they are right on both accounts.. He was sick, I dont think he was a cold blooded killer i think he suffered from some sort of mental breakdown...whether its depression, road rage, or another mental illness the man was sick and he flipped. And of course, he was an animal.... a "Rabid Wolverine".

Looking for answers

 About a month and a half ago (maybe longer), I realized that I wasn't happy. I was irritable, confused and just down right miserable....but without good reason. I couldnt explain it- but I felt like I needed to. I needed to find my smile.

 

My self misery came after a period of my life where i was seemingly on top of the world. I'll get into it later- but life was so good I was giving advice to others. Even on the prior blogs i was in self help mode- trying to make everyone aware of how happy i was and disguising it as me helping others. But the happiness faded like the color on an old shirt. "The wave" had finally crashed and it crashed like a tsunami. Although i anticipated my fall from the mountain top- i wasn't prepared for the tail spin i found myself in.  So in an effort to make things right I took a weekend off to try and get my shit together. During that weekend, I drove around Long Island by myself - trying to put things into perspective- no radio, no phone, no distractions- just me and my thoughts. I even ventured into a bar to try an ease my troubles and find some inspiration...I didnt get much of an answer that weekend.. i didnt get much of anything actually. So that weekend turned into weeks, and those weeks have turned into the present.

 

 I dont think I ever had that single moment of clarity but i think little by little i've begun to piece together the puzzle. I now have a better understanding of who I am and I am starting to see things for what they truely are. I've started to become a lot more observent of things. I scrutinize everything until i can make heads or tails of it. For me thinking is like an addictive drug. When i start really really thinking- its like being comitted in a mental institute and thats not a joke- I'm crazy with it. Its almost to the point where i break out flow charts and shit. But i feel like it has to be done. I need to analyze shit b/c thats how i come to realizations. If only i had a passion for medicine- i think i mite be able to cure cancer. But whatever -in essence, I'm still without answers to my original question .How did i get to be so miserable and how do i resolve it

 

The resolving question seemed to be the easiest to answer. Everyone has gone through low periods and so i seeked answers from others. 1 suggestion was medication. But for me- that wasnt an option. In my opinion - too many people take pills or medical action to solve issues they can resolve on their own. Obesity and in some cases depression are prime examples...people hide behind the blanket of an illness rather than face facts. Also, taking pills has become the cool thing to do. You go to a party and you can over hear almost any1 talking about all the shit they are taking. They talk about it like its a badge of honor..not for me though. Medication is a last resort.  I dont think my self misery warrent taking a miracle pill...it means i have to get on my fucking grind.

 

Another suggestion was therapy. It does make sense- but again, not for me. I realize that i really dont have that 1 person that i feel comfortable confiding in,that 1 single person that will listen to everything before giving advise..but then again- I really never had it. Maybe for a while i had jen, or in my k-mart days i had Tara..but really since then i have pieced it together. And i know i have people that will listen- my friends or family but i dunno- for me it's situational. And I'm not the type to talk it out anyway.. i'd rather work through it or write about it. So- in the end- thats what i decided- i'll piece it together and work it out on my own.

 

So how did i get so miserable? Only God knows for sure. But i think it was just pieces of everything that finally reached an explosive boiling point. All the bullshit just mounted.

Drama

Well as promised the self help shit is out the window. I realize no1 wants to hear advice from someone who can’t even help himself. I’m not saying I’m a lost soul but I know I’m in no better position than any1 else. I’m offering career advice and yet I’m 1 small step up from the mail room and I’m giving relationship advice but I’m home alone more than Mulculy Culkin. It really doesn’t make sense- and I fucking know it. But in my own defense, so often I hear shit from people that just makes my head want to erupt. People give advice on things they know absolutely nothing about or they are “experts” but they give the textbook responses rather than looking at the given situation. To try and combat this- I offer my own words of wisdom. But, I’m trying not to, my “wisdom” is unproven and it’s built upon speculation. I just wish others would follow suit. If I ever get my shit together long enough to be successful then maybe I’ll conjure up some cute anecdotes about life and leadership and throw them in a book but until then it’s back to basics…ranting.

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Back in high school- I would have never envisioned myself being the way I am now. I’m not like John Mayer waiting on the world to change- I see life as always evolving. In fact, I think life has only 2 constants… time and change. My life has changed drastically in just a few short years, for better or for worse –whatever (that’s up to you). All I know is that I am battle tested. I’ve got the scars to prove it. I’ve been thinking a lot about the polar opposite mind frames and changes that have occurred in the last few years and here is kind of a sample…

 

I’ve lost patience, family members, friendships, and girl friends

I’ve gained self respect, weight, new relationships and maturity.

I’ve forgotten things I knew by heart and remember things I wish I could forget.

I used to hate to fight, but now I fight b/c I’m consumed by hate.

I usedto look forward to the weekends now I’m depressed by them.

 

The list really does go on and on. But I guess that’s typical.  I think Muhammad Ali once said, “Show me a man that’s the same at 21 as he is at 41 and I’ll show you a man that’s wasted 20 years.” And it’s so god damn true. So when some1 tells me I’ve changed- I don’t take offense to it anymore- I embrace it... I look at it as a good thing.

 

Now with all that said- I see changes in other people as well. Maturity, respect, appearance, -all that shit. Some things I like and some I don’t- but that’s not for me to judge. But when personalities clash – that’s when the shit is most apparent…and that’s when voices get heard. Last night was 1 of those nights where 2 conflicting viewpoints butted heads. I heard whining and complaining I just kind of lost it. I’ m not proud of how I handled it (yelling and screaming) but I stand behind what I said- b/c it has been something that’s been building up.

 

I hate drama- I know people always say that shit, like it’s the cool thing to say- but I really fucking do. I hate it with a passion. And not just drama, I hate just about anything that will bring attention towards me- both good and bad. But especially drama, and worse- drama without facts. So when I feel I am getting attacked, or I’m part of a situation being questioned or labeled as shady- I take offense to it. Last time one of my friends was victim to it. but I didn’t say much b/c it didn’t involve me- when asked my opinion I gave it (and supported my friend) and that was it. But now I’m involved and I’ll speak in depth on this shit…b/c it is what it is.