Chris Benoit

With every pro wrestler that dies, i always seem to get a little upset for obvious reasons. I know I dont know them on a personal level, and their passing by no means is as significant as that of a close friend, neighbor, or relative...However, growing up with wrestling figures, and watching them every week leads to some sort of unexplainable bond. They were my favorite friends and villians, they were my top celebrities, and in some cases they were my idols.

I could go through the long list of my fallen heroes that passed away prematuraly, but I'm pretty sure I've done that before and if I haven't you probably don't care anyway. BUT the death of Chris Benoit was certainly the most painful of them all.

He was without a doubt my favorite living wrestler. The guy was an intense athlete who wrestled every match like it was his last.. it's been said that he could wrestle a broomstick and put on a good show..and its true. Wrestling was his passion..it was"his mistress". Wrestling consumed his life...and I as a fan appreciated that passion. He always entertained me..and no matter who he was up against..I never felt like he didn't have a shot of winning. Yeah i know- wrestling is fake but some of the smaller guys wrestle the bigger guys and you just watch and shake your head thinking.."yeah like he could really win this fight in real life". But Benoit could fight God and I'd think he could win- because of his work ethic and his intensity..you always knew it was gonna be a good show. His no-nonsence, no gimmick persona eraned him the nicknames of the Canadian Crippler and The Rabid Wolverine.

With all that said, his alleged double murder-suicide of his family is absolutely horrific. I can't condone his actions- I don't see how anyone could. When i first found out the news- I was in disbelief and still today I hold out hope that some how, some way he is not to blame. I want him to be regarded as heroic, the same way I viewed him..But as more and more details leak out, i face the sad truth.

His wife was also kind of a big deal in the wrestling world, although she had been out of the spot light for a few years. Her alias was "Woman", and she met Benoit through a story line in WCW which involved her then husband..story mirrored real life and they got together. (Watching those interviews and matches- was a wresling fans nirvana- real life feelings and pot shots..it was amazing to see). But her passing also pains me...and to hear Bill O'Riely say that she should have seen the warning signs is outrageous..she is in no way shape or form to blame for anything. And then the 7 year old- thats the topper. I heard reports that he was part mentally retarded as well which adds a new level of sadness..I'm not going to get into the HGH hormones that were said to be injected...the story gets weirder and weirder with every news story i hear.

But i think the saddest thing of all is how Benoit will be remembered. The guy was a living legend in the ring, a sure WWE hall of famer. (He was scheduled to win the title the next night but for whatever reason, he opted out of his life). Some may say he cheated to get where he was (steroids) but he never cheated the fans...He never mailed it in. In my opinion, he worked his ass off and deserved much more than what he got...but he still achieved greatness.

I still view him as a hero..as creepy as that sounds. But if you think about it Van Gogh was a nut job..he cut off his ear and comitted suicide..but he is still regarded as an amazing artist..I think the same should be held true for the Canadian Crippler (the character, the wrestler). His work in the ring should be viewed on its own. A lot of people or quick to call him "sick" and "an animal" and you know what they are right on both accounts.. He was sick, I dont think he was a cold blooded killer i think he suffered from some sort of mental breakdown...whether its depression, road rage, or another mental illness the man was sick and he flipped. And of course, he was an animal.... a "Rabid Wolverine".

Looking for answers

 About a month and a half ago (maybe longer), I realized that I wasn't happy. I was irritable, confused and just down right miserable....but without good reason. I couldnt explain it- but I felt like I needed to. I needed to find my smile.

 

My self misery came after a period of my life where i was seemingly on top of the world. I'll get into it later- but life was so good I was giving advice to others. Even on the prior blogs i was in self help mode- trying to make everyone aware of how happy i was and disguising it as me helping others. But the happiness faded like the color on an old shirt. "The wave" had finally crashed and it crashed like a tsunami. Although i anticipated my fall from the mountain top- i wasn't prepared for the tail spin i found myself in.  So in an effort to make things right I took a weekend off to try and get my shit together. During that weekend, I drove around Long Island by myself - trying to put things into perspective- no radio, no phone, no distractions- just me and my thoughts. I even ventured into a bar to try an ease my troubles and find some inspiration...I didnt get much of an answer that weekend.. i didnt get much of anything actually. So that weekend turned into weeks, and those weeks have turned into the present.

 

 I dont think I ever had that single moment of clarity but i think little by little i've begun to piece together the puzzle. I now have a better understanding of who I am and I am starting to see things for what they truely are. I've started to become a lot more observent of things. I scrutinize everything until i can make heads or tails of it. For me thinking is like an addictive drug. When i start really really thinking- its like being comitted in a mental institute and thats not a joke- I'm crazy with it. Its almost to the point where i break out flow charts and shit. But i feel like it has to be done. I need to analyze shit b/c thats how i come to realizations. If only i had a passion for medicine- i think i mite be able to cure cancer. But whatever -in essence, I'm still without answers to my original question .How did i get to be so miserable and how do i resolve it

 

The resolving question seemed to be the easiest to answer. Everyone has gone through low periods and so i seeked answers from others. 1 suggestion was medication. But for me- that wasnt an option. In my opinion - too many people take pills or medical action to solve issues they can resolve on their own. Obesity and in some cases depression are prime examples...people hide behind the blanket of an illness rather than face facts. Also, taking pills has become the cool thing to do. You go to a party and you can over hear almost any1 talking about all the shit they are taking. They talk about it like its a badge of honor..not for me though. Medication is a last resort.  I dont think my self misery warrent taking a miracle pill...it means i have to get on my fucking grind.

 

Another suggestion was therapy. It does make sense- but again, not for me. I realize that i really dont have that 1 person that i feel comfortable confiding in,that 1 single person that will listen to everything before giving advise..but then again- I really never had it. Maybe for a while i had jen, or in my k-mart days i had Tara..but really since then i have pieced it together. And i know i have people that will listen- my friends or family but i dunno- for me it's situational. And I'm not the type to talk it out anyway.. i'd rather work through it or write about it. So- in the end- thats what i decided- i'll piece it together and work it out on my own.

 

So how did i get so miserable? Only God knows for sure. But i think it was just pieces of everything that finally reached an explosive boiling point. All the bullshit just mounted.

Drama

Well as promised the self help shit is out the window. I realize no1 wants to hear advice from someone who can’t even help himself. I’m not saying I’m a lost soul but I know I’m in no better position than any1 else. I’m offering career advice and yet I’m 1 small step up from the mail room and I’m giving relationship advice but I’m home alone more than Mulculy Culkin. It really doesn’t make sense- and I fucking know it. But in my own defense, so often I hear shit from people that just makes my head want to erupt. People give advice on things they know absolutely nothing about or they are “experts” but they give the textbook responses rather than looking at the given situation. To try and combat this- I offer my own words of wisdom. But, I’m trying not to, my “wisdom” is unproven and it’s built upon speculation. I just wish others would follow suit. If I ever get my shit together long enough to be successful then maybe I’ll conjure up some cute anecdotes about life and leadership and throw them in a book but until then it’s back to basics…ranting.

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Back in high school- I would have never envisioned myself being the way I am now. I’m not like John Mayer waiting on the world to change- I see life as always evolving. In fact, I think life has only 2 constants… time and change. My life has changed drastically in just a few short years, for better or for worse –whatever (that’s up to you). All I know is that I am battle tested. I’ve got the scars to prove it. I’ve been thinking a lot about the polar opposite mind frames and changes that have occurred in the last few years and here is kind of a sample…

 

I’ve lost patience, family members, friendships, and girl friends

I’ve gained self respect, weight, new relationships and maturity.

I’ve forgotten things I knew by heart and remember things I wish I could forget.

I used to hate to fight, but now I fight b/c I’m consumed by hate.

I usedto look forward to the weekends now I’m depressed by them.

 

The list really does go on and on. But I guess that’s typical.  I think Muhammad Ali once said, “Show me a man that’s the same at 21 as he is at 41 and I’ll show you a man that’s wasted 20 years.” And it’s so god damn true. So when some1 tells me I’ve changed- I don’t take offense to it anymore- I embrace it... I look at it as a good thing.

 

Now with all that said- I see changes in other people as well. Maturity, respect, appearance, -all that shit. Some things I like and some I don’t- but that’s not for me to judge. But when personalities clash – that’s when the shit is most apparent…and that’s when voices get heard. Last night was 1 of those nights where 2 conflicting viewpoints butted heads. I heard whining and complaining I just kind of lost it. I’ m not proud of how I handled it (yelling and screaming) but I stand behind what I said- b/c it has been something that’s been building up.

 

I hate drama- I know people always say that shit, like it’s the cool thing to say- but I really fucking do. I hate it with a passion. And not just drama, I hate just about anything that will bring attention towards me- both good and bad. But especially drama, and worse- drama without facts. So when I feel I am getting attacked, or I’m part of a situation being questioned or labeled as shady- I take offense to it. Last time one of my friends was victim to it. but I didn’t say much b/c it didn’t involve me- when asked my opinion I gave it (and supported my friend) and that was it. But now I’m involved and I’ll speak in depth on this shit…b/c it is what it is.

 

Im more Boring than the jewish new yr

I was watching elimiDATE 1 day and some skanky, over confident yet incredibly  enticing chick posed a question to some wanna-be-playa...(hahaha...the plot of the show is always the same) "What was the craziest thing u ever did?" It's a typical, standard date question. But one i dont have a cool answer for. I thought at first i was drawing a blank but the more and more i think about it- i really cant answer it. I'm not a wild and crazy guy and i know thats not necessarily a bad thing..but i feel like im runnin my life like im Al Gore or something. My "young and stupid days" are over and its kind of a shame that i spent too much time growin up and not enough time pissin my initials all over Mrs Phallen's desk. Don't get me wrong- im not a complete angel- ive done some bad/regrettable shit..but nothing CRAZY or even anything mildly entertaining that would sufice that query.

I'd like to say i'm LIVIN LIFE IN THE FAST LANE..but truth be told- if i am, im goin the speed limit, with a seat belt on and obeying all the traffic laws. It's upsetting but the good thing is - i still have time. Its not something that i blew- its somethign that can happen anytime anywhere- i just have to be ready for it. For instance, i heard on the radio the other day- some guy said he saw a UFC fighter at a bar 1 nite and he went over to him and took a swing at him.."The iceman" as hes known proceeded to kick the shit out of him- but still- thats a fucking cool story. I dont think id do anything that extrme but i need something..

I'm trying to think of 1 thing..just 1 thing that would satisfy this question and at the same time not get me arrested/killed. Watching Jackass 2 last nite added more fuel to this fire and its something that cant be extinguished until its been satisfied. I got things in my head but nothing  thats gonna wow ya- u know?

Thats all i got for now- I'll keep you posted.

On the Brink

The majority of my weeknigths are spent relaxing.. You wont find me working on the house, mowing the lawn or mountains climbing. Nope, i'll gladly leave that shit for the weekend. The weeknites are basically filled with filler fun...Wether i'm watching wrestling, the yankees, Rescue me..or rocking out to some gay techno song while doing my bills...its just something to help wind down from the 8 hr workday. Another fun "activity" that i like to partake in is being online. So aside from being a couch potato im also a mouse potato. I'm a MasterTator what can i say. But, its just a way to get that beloved and oh so coveted R&R. So just about the last thing i want to do is be involved in a strenuous activity or conversation b4 i hit the sheets. Last nite.. i was invovled in a heavy conversation that made me scratch my head like a circuis chimp with head lice and misquito bites. It's the age old euthanasia question..to pull the plug or to not pull the plug. I'll be honest its not so much the conversation i had with my friend,  as it was my mind wondering whats the right and wrong thing to do. Do u wanna keep them for selfish reasons or do u pull the plug and give up on all hope. Its a tough spot to be in and i hope none of us are ever in that spot.... but what if. I'm not gonna go all steven king on u- u can paint ur own picture....but its worth thinking about.

I'd like to go outside the box for a moment and comment on some of the recent headlines..For one the Christy Brinkley divorce. First of all- this is what, her 4th broken marriage? This isnt exactly front page stuff anymore... but since its gotten so much attention- allow me to induldge. Christy Brinkley is a beautiful woman. She's like 50 and she still looks like the young uptown girl Billy Joel wrote a song about during 1 of his many drunken nites. They were married for 10 years and have a child (sailor).  So naturally everyone is asking the question what was this Cook guy thinking....Well, as you all know, im a pretty decent guy..and i not only respect the sanctity of marriage..i respect the sanctity of a relationship..and i dont believe i'd ever cheat on any girl- even if i hated them. But... i mean have u seen this girl ?? She's friggen hotter than that heatwave we just had! She's more than half Christy's age and an aspiring pop singer...this big headed goofball could have been bangin the next Britney Spears!!..girls feel free to roll ur eyes but this little tidbit weighs mighty heavily on the pros and cons list. now again, i dont agree with the whole cheating thing but i def. could understand what he was thinking... hell i think the majority of guys can.. but in the end he got caught with his hands in the cookie jar- and im glad. The world sees him as a dog and he'll probably lose quite a bit of money in the divorce..thats a pretty expensive piece of ass..but again..Have u seen this chick??? lol

But i shouldnt comment on juggling 2 girls- finding/holding 1 seems to be enough of a problem for me. It must be my standards are just too high. I guess normalcy is too much to ask for now adays lol. 

I bumped into my ex g/f a little over a week ago and we caught up over a slice of pizza. Little weird at first but after a whle it felt like old times...not that i was madly in love with her or anything remotely close to that- but it felt relaxed..and i could be myself- its been a while since i felt that with some1 other than my friends. I guess cuz we spent close to 2 years together so we got all the awkward moments out of the way then.  But..yeaah we caught up and it was good times. Havent spoke to her since. Also Umbertos looks like they make an amazing calzone..beware of it. Has any1 tried that new new pizza place?? the one that used to be around the clock deli..im dying to give that a whirl.

Something else worth noting is that i have recently been turned on to a stranger's blog who has been going through a similar situation as Ms Brinkley..her husband was caught cheating on her with....dun dun dun dun her best friend! Yeah, so this woman has been figthing back big time!!! Her 1st course of action was to buy a huge billboard (with their joint bank account) and hoist it up in front of their apartment..cool shit i saw the pics.. then she handed out wine to homeless people (he was a wine collector), then she waived all his fantasy baseball players, and she handed out fleyers on the streets alerting all those in the neighborhood to watch out for her ex. Shes not through yet either...everyday its something new..a really interesting/humorous read, unlike this flub u guys are reading. Check it out: That Girl Emily.

Failure to Launch

"As one door closes, another 1 opens.". or atleast that's how the saying goes. For the most part i really havent found that to be the case..however..recently..it seems to apply. Of course i'm talking about Nikki..Why wouldn't i be?? She's been the source of my journal entries for almost a year now. I know i kind of left things a little ambiguous in my last entry so i'd like to unblurr the line a little bit. 

 First, let me just say that i know a lot of my friends didnt really like her/warm up to her and for that i dont know why. Even people at work who never met her - HATED her just cuz of some of the stories i'd say..and to be honest... i didnt care. Honestly  i was determined to give it my all- cuz i thought she was something special... She is a nice girl whose caring and fun to be around...for the most part and i liked her A LOT. Again, i dont know why she wasnt accepted right away but i guess it worked out for the best.

The thing is- me and Nikk never really connected. In my opinion i feel like she really wasnt even open to the idea to begin with. At first i thought i was the problem..i was away from the game for a long time and i thought maybe i forgot how to play...and she kinda blamed it on me saying i acted weird around her..but as time elapsed i realized that she was the 1 acting weird and i didnt know how to react to that... but eventually it came clear to me that she was still hung up on her ex b/f and may have kind of used me as a tool to get him jealous. Now that might sound fucked up... but.. if i knew that going into it..i still would have signed for it. It was a shot to be with the girl who i adored for over a year- how could i pass that up? So whatever..  we gave it a shot..there was some fighting which i still cant explain, some uncomfortable moments, and some good times which were peppered in to keep my hopes and dreams alive. Once the cruise came i hoped for an answer..

Let me just say that the Cruise was my saving grace...it was my Triumph. I wouldn't change one second, one emotion, or 1 breath... b/c in the end...yeah, I got my answer..although not from her.  I kinda figured it out..reluctantly but i figured it out (with some help) and by the time we were in Miami i knew what had to be done...i wanted to salvage a friendship though.....cuz even though we would never work as a couple i felt like as friends we did have something.

So as friends we still talked for about a week..things were cool. Then suddenly i heard that she was back with her ex b/f...not that i cared.. im happy. Im happy that shes happy- im happy im off the hook. im happy on several levels.  I mean it when i say- not an ounce of jealousy or resentment...All smiles..so we're friends right? No more calling everyday, no more awkward moments- just casual friends. So yeah..i see her at berts bash, go to her birthday and things are fine. Then she calls me one night when im at saf-t-swim working out..and as i do what i do with all my friends.. i dont call back. LOL- Welcome to thunder dome bitch..haha- i dunno why i inserted that there but i like it...Anyway, apparently this doesnt fly in Nikki's world..she accuses me of being jealous and not being able to handle this and she says im resisting the friendship or whatever. So rather than call her back and get into a fight- im just letting it be. I dont wanna squabble over this- thats not what im about. Im mr non-confrontational....and aside from being "the worst dart player here" i'm also pretty easy to get along with. so if ur in a fight with me- odds are that u wanted it that way. So yeah- if i see her and she wants to talk it out thats cool.. or if she calls me and wants to talk it out- cool..but i wont call her and i wont fight with her- thats not what its about.

So that's that.... and through it all I feel like i handled the whole situation with quite a bit of maturity.. i dont think a lot of guys in my situation could have dealt with what i did and recovered as well. Maybe i acted like a sucker and put myself in an unhealthy situation to begin with and maybe i should have gotten the hint quicker BUT thats not the point. I think i eventually folded my hand and was able to get up and leave the table with dignity. Obviously i had some good friends to help me, so thanx again for that...and insert Ash....I dont have a good "mack game"... i dont have any game...I just happened to be fortunate to be in the right place at the right time..it also doesnt hurt when u have friends who help pimp u out. haha- But yeah..Bert and Kara introduced me to kara's roomate at school  Ash..and i couldnt be more grateful.. and remember when i said i wouldnt change a thing that happened on the cruise.. well this is another reason..i dont know if i would have been introduced to ash, if kar and bert didnt feel bad for me lol.

Ash is awesome...she's sweet, shes adorable , shes a good speller, shes fun,...shes everything in 1. Shes very very very pretty too! I dont wanna gushhh cuz i did that with nikk in the beginning too and we all know how that turned out..but i think Ash is different. Im not saying wedding bells or anything like that but shes seems like the nicest person ever and i think a good personality is very attractive. The only thing is that she lives in jerz and thats somewhat  problematic considering i wont drive to dairy-barn cuz its "so out of the way" lol. But for her  (I dont want to jinx it but) i think id be willing to give it a shot. We'll def start slow and see how it goes but...so far no complaints at all.

Oh i almost forgot the significance of the title..the first and only movie nikki and i saw was failure to launch..which is kind of ironic cuz that summarizes our relationshit...then i was talking to Ash yesterday and she said she was going to stay home and watch a movie...Failure to launch..it just got me thinking how things come full circle. I'm more optimistic this time around.

Real World- The Carib

"...and just like the Bible, son I've returned."

Now...I'm not sure as to how often I'll be updating this but with so much happening in the past week or so...i felt like a journal entry was in order...its the only way i can  properly pay homage to the trip. (translation: i have a lot of ground to cover and i don't feel like answering all your annoying and probing questions :) I'm gonna detail the trip...then provide some commentary and all the while have some fun along the way- so sit back and enjoy the ride cuz the journey has been reborn. Hahaha- i know its cheesy but im actually excited about this.

WIth all that preamble bullshit out of the way...lets dig in like a retarded boy making a sand castle.

The trip started early (for me). I woke up at 3:05ish on Sat morning- (June 3rd). I got ready quick, i'm tlaking lightening quick....so quick i forgot to put on deodorant. I dropped off the luggage at Grand Master Bert's house (just left it on the driveway cuz the inside of his house was darker than the audience at a ludacris concert). SO then it was off to Nikki's house. It was at least a couple of weeks since i saw her so i was excited..about 5 1/2 inches I'd say- J/K!!! Nah i was excited in a sense that this was it...this is what I've been waiting for....This trip has been a year in the making and now it was a few hrs from finally coming to fruition. So i scooped up Nik and helped her with her bags. Again, let me stress the fact that i had like no sleep...i was doing last minute packing, figuring out how to work my camera, and cleaning up my room cuz i pretty much just tore it apart looking for things. So my eye lids felt heavier than bowling balls and i drove the whole way looking ike a Chinese man..anyway, i took the long way home (not on purpose). Once i got to my house, Bert and kara were there waiting for me. I ran into my house quick and said good bye to my parents and my brother (and no, i didn't say "i love you" assholes). From there we went back to Bert's where Mr Bert took us to the airport.

We met up with the rest of the crew in the airport and checked the bags. Gina was stressing out like she was on heroin until we were about to board the plane. This is where i broke out my camera for the first time. The SD550....7.1 mega pixels, 3x optical zoom, 2.5 screen- insert tim "the tool man" taylor grunt here. I pretty much carried this camera everywhere, as if i wasa mother kangaroo and the camera was my little one. Now i think i mentioned before how much i hate pictures. I used to tell people that I'm not photogenic but now i dont do that cuz i realized why. Cameras are accurate. Why do i look like a milky white, bald, out of shape cancer patient in all my photos?....i glance in the mirror, "ohhhh because thats what i look like". So i figure if im the 1 snappin the pics- i'll like them cuz i wont be in them...So yeah- camera in hand..lets get it poppin. The plane ride there was kind of quiet, filled with lethargic anticipation. Brad was doing his usual shenanigans - adjusting nikki's seat pillow every time she moved. Bert van winkle was sleeping the whole trip leaving poor kar with no1 to talk to (they were seated away from us).  Oh i didn't mention Kate and Jess. Kate is Gina's friend from Sacred Heart and Jess was Kates friend from...HELL. ok, she wasn't that bad- but not my cup of tea..i could tell from day 1.. Kate on the other hand was a delight- sweet girl and just fun to be around..."Kate is great".

So lets speed up the tape a little bit...Miami was hot as balls, oh and remember when  said i forgot to put on deodorent- yeahhhh at this point i smelt nastier than Shaq's gym socks. So we get there and idump both bags off- its too hot to carry them...Sidebar- they give me these broken tags and instead of just askin for new ones i make it my life mission to try and tie a secure knott- bottom line- 1 worked 1 didnt, i hadda go searching though a sea of lost baggage once we finally got on the ship.  ohhh and we are about to board ths ship when i realize that i forgot my cruise info....well not really...i realized it when nikki yelled- "did u remember to take the blue book out of your lugage"... so i had to make the run back outside in the heat and get the shitout of my bag. then we finally get on the ship...The Carnival Triumph! After we eat and i indulge in some ice cream...we check on the rooms. Me and Nikk got an ocean view and  lemme tell ya- best move we ever made.. I loved that shit, both the window and the couch- clutch!! Little fun fact about your buddy catty...he loves the water. Like i think i mentioned this when i went to Cape cod- but i'll say it again..the water on a clear day/night to me is just a natural tranquility.. its fucking nirvana. Its where i wanna be when i grow old..where i want to write my novel, its a place id like to go to die (so if u ever cant find me, check the trunk of my dad's cadillac first, then hit up the high seas). I absolutely love it though- the last night i spent over an hour on the 11th deck- pearing outside at the water- wishing i could stay there forever.

Once we all got settled- we met upstairs and hit the bottle..and we kinda hit it hard. This is right beofre we were supposed to have our emergency drill...as a result me and nikk were walking around with our lifejackets on lookin half retarded..in the event of an emergency, we were both as good as dead, but it was fun though- i knew the cruise was gonna be a good time from that point on...and i'd say a good 98% of it was just that...I'll get into the 2% dont worry.

Thie Islands...Puerto Rico was cool although we really didnt stay there long. We didnt have anywhere to go after Senior Frogs...but really it didnt matter cuz nothing could have topped it. For those of you who dont know...Senior Frogs is like a drunken frat party with pretty good food. You have to be at least a little tipsy to fully enjoy it but when ur there- its like new years rockin eve. The people at the bar- have these wind machines, they give out sombreros, and they have drinking contests and they have a stage where you can dance and look like an idiot...and some of us did just that. We had a good time doing it  though. St Thomas- the beach in st thomas was beautiful- crystal clear water.. as far as the island...ehhh not so beautiful..it looked 3rd world..but out of all the islands i think it's safe to say that we had the most fun in St Thomas. Tree chirty, meaty coconut, Ayos mioooo, spots, cocoa butter, misquito bites, "fucking American's"...and oh so much more. St. Martin/Maarteen? however u spell it- it was funnnn. We hit up this private resort where we rode the waverunners and lounged in the pool (bar at the edge of the pool). Definitely the nicest island out of the 3.

The Triumph- i had a lot of good times on the ship as well..The dinners were amazing, the towel animals were fricken cool and the comedians were actually funny too. But the best times i had was with my friends (both old and new)...wether it be in the casino,  taking shots, or in one of the rooms just joking around...it can't be duplicated. Brad's offensive/(hysterical) statements, Como,  Trubert...., Bob-bert, Gina's negotiating skills (squeeky wheel gets the grease), and funny lines- "like dove", "cat's bald, why?", "32 to 24..i'll kill u, u f'n whore" (or something like that).. Bert...our heart to heart, johnny walker black.."the sipping drink", "im cold, im nikki belk",  Kara the bundle of energy,  her chants...Boo Bert (my favorite), Nikki, Nikki, Nikki...snores like a guerilla, "wheres my bread biatch", who wears short shorts, "what what what", Kate- "lets go swimming," "i didnt know there was meat in coconuts"...Jess...??.- maybe it'll come to me later. onestly it was an absolutely blast..and i hope we can continue this tradition next year (although everyone should come next time). I have so much more to say but i dont want to have to explain it all.

We spenf an extra day and a half in Miami and that might have been the best part of the whole trip-  maybe. I just love when everyones together and thats all miami was- fun times with friends. We did drinking games and took naps- sounds boring but it was soo much fun. Our flight home was delayed so we hada spend 6hrs in the airport..but for some reason 6 hrs flew by and before i knew it i was on my way home saying "where did the time go".

I think i really learned a lot from this trip...yes it was fun and educational..i learned a lot about people. The group was like the real world in a way and i was able to see all types of people.i compared myself to others and saw the contrasts and similarities . (As i said- i had some time to just gaze out into the open sea and just think.. it was like therapy..just without the couch and the useless psych degree hanging on the wall. Obviously im not saying that a good night on the ocean willl result on the cure for cancer- but  for me- it helps me focus.)  I learned about my own standards and limitations, i learned that there is a fine line between happiness and awkwardness. Lies and truth.Humor and Anger. I learned what's real and whats just a mirage. I learned who people are and who they are pretending to be (myself included). Above all else i learned that i'm not too old to still be learning about myself.

The million dollar question- me and nikk?? I know everyones wondering if anything romanticly happened or "what not"... Well, im gonna leave that open ended. I think i should stress that it really was never my intent to go there and hook up with her..my only hope was that we grew closer..whether that meant friends or more than friends...i cant really say. Ideally yes- i prob wanted her to fall in love with me- but i didnt really anticipate that..b/c thats not logical/ the reason she was invited. She was invited b/c shes a fun person...who i just happend to be madly infatuated with. Plus- there were 2 couples on the cruise and i didnt want to have to share the room with any of them. All i can say is that i think we are better off now than when we left.. I think we have a better understanding of 1 another and that's i guess, all i should have been asking for... My gut tells me that we'll never be a couple and I'm ok with that. Its not cuz my feelings towards her have changed or visa versa. I think thats just the harsh reality of life.

Back to the reality....So i come back to work, after taking a day to just relax. ask for a new batery cuz i couldnt find my old 1- i get it and BAM- i see all the pictures i took...beatiful clear pictures, i explain to my friends at work some of the situations, show the videos, and let them look through the pictures...the girl that sits next to me.. asks to see the pics, she says shes gonna do a slide show - next thing i know ...."uh-ohhhh" ...I said what- she says i think i deleted them...i say "your fuckin with me" shes just looks at me..i say again "ur fuckin with me" - i go over there and see a black screen that says NO image... I YELL...Carolina, "WHAT R U DOING TO ME" and after a second of trying to retrieve the pics- i have to walk away before i take the camera and smash her over the head with it repeatedly. Things havent been the same btwen us- shes been appologetic but im just sooooo pissed still- im sure it was an accident but i feel like i have nothign to show for my vacation.

Look for some changes- coming soon. By the way- The SoaS has oficiallly started.