Here Comes The Pain (part 2)

It's been mounting, and i've been dealing with it but buckle up cuz here it comes. I really didnt want to lose my cool and get pissed off but i'm left with no other options. As i mentioned in my last update- im still without a job and without a direction and i guesss that i am to blame for most of it but im not gonna sit here and throw stones at myself..no whats the point in that??? Instead I'm about to say my piece on whats grinding my gears and pullin my chain and whatever other hackneyed cliche out their.. This jounral is about everything going on in the job market and just about everything else....

First of all, had i known then what i known now i would NEVER be a marketing major. NEVER EVER EVER! When i decided to be a marketing major i had hopes of doing advertising or customer retention shit but its simply not offered or not available for entry level workers.. the only thing out there is for a fucking salesmen.. And I'm not knocking that job- if thats for u then fine, enjoy ur comission!!! but i personally didnt go to school so i can put trashy people in a Chevy Caprice. You dont even need a friggen degree for sales jobs, all u have to do is to tell people what they wanna hear and leave out what they dont need to know. Just spoon feed them the bullshit until it dribbles out their mouth and they cant swallow anymore... At Saf-t-Swim i rock that shit b/c i know people dont wanna know that their kid can drown at any given second, or if they dont like the program they aint getting their money back..i tell them that its a learneing experience which will be beneficial in the long run..its more of an investment then a purchase. its all about dangling the carrot and seeing how long it will take for them to go 4 it.

But back to the matters at hand- I've been applying for jobs like crazy, trying to sell myself to companies like i'm a corporate prostitue or somthing...and i havent gotten shit, not even a whistle. I called up my old stomping grounds HOFSTRA, to see what they can do 4 me and they turned me away like i wasgod damn  bin laden asking for nuclear arms. Its bullshit. I graduated not even a full month ago and now they push me away. Fuck that. I'm about to write 1 fucking nasty e-mail..no check that- f-mail to the career center. It's not easy going to school, maintaining a gpa above 3.0 whileworking over 20 hours a week and finding a job. So excuse me if i held off on employment oppurtunities until after i graduated. But I definately plan on going to their career fair whether they like it or not and they definately lost out on me going to them for grad school.

The real thing that ruffles my feathers metaphorically speaking of course, is that I dont understand why i havent gotten a call back yet though- i speak english, im not a cross dresser or a freak, im articulate and well mannnered, im a hard worker with a decent GPA and i dont cause trouble. I'd figure i'd be a friggen wet dream for most employers who deal with the nutty, bizzare, 1 -step from being a psychopathic homicidal mass murderer guy that works down the hall. But i guess in the new age of hiring im at a disadvantage. I'm a male and im white- thats an automatic 2 strikes. Every company has to be P.C. so if they are gonna get some1 straight out of college why not opt for the 1 legged chick with a hump on her back with warts on her nose..."gotta be pc- can';t have a lawsuit on her hands". It irks the shit out of me. Why not have the best people get the best jobs. If that gothic chick wants to dress like that have her start her own freakshow company, dont hire her to be the new spokesperson for irish spring soap- she doesnt deserve it!! It always happens, im not saying descriminate based on looks but u gotta really feel people out and sometimes u just know based on looks, sometimes u need to dig deeper.

Another thing thats got my undies in a bunch is cancer. This fucking thing is just out of control. It seems like its everywhere- more abundant than aids. My uncle Bill is set to go for  treatment on the cancerous lump on his troat. Hes gotta do the radiation and the whole deal. It's the real thing, the "big casino". I get emotional just thinking about it. My poor uncle is such a nice man and he doesnt deserve this shit- no 1 does. If i wasnt too busy praying to God that he gets better- i'd give him the middle finger for allowing my uncle to go through this shit.

Another tragedy happened to my family two days ago. My uncle Petey (on my mom's side) passed away. I'm going to his wake tonite as a matter of fact. He wasnt feeling well for a while but he lived a good long life. He was always joking around and having fun- im gonna miss him- even though i didnt see him much.

Huricane Katrina- As my friend mike would say "aint that some shit." It's really amazing what mother nature can do. those poor souls are suffering and they lost everything- and they are the lucky ones cause they survived. its good to see that people are donating and pitchingin- even i donated a little bit to try and help out..i think i may donate a little each week.  I'm not as heartless as some people think.

Part 1

The S-o-X has finally been put to rest but it really wasnt everything i had hoped it would be. The major disappointment is the fact that i still dont have a full time job...i feel like i graduated college only to fail in real life. Everyone else i know is going back to school or their jobs and i'm left here doing absolutely nothing. I really didnt think it would be this hard to land a full time job. I figured big companies would have room for low income graduates but that doesnt seem to be the case. Now with Katrina thier are going to be even fewer jobs in the marketing field  for entry level grads.

The best offer i recieved was to sell life insurance for new york life.... and thats really not what i dreamed i'd be doing. I was this close to accepting it too but my dad doesn't want me to settle so quickly..but i cant stay mooching off my parents forever. I need a job for money as well as my sanity. Ideally i'd like a job with a fair salary, full benefits and most importantly a tuition reimbersement plan b/c i do plan on going to grad school. I'd stay at the job for 3-4 yrs until i get my degree then i'd re-assess my situation.

Swimmin with the Fishes

Well i'm back, but most of u guys probably didnt even know that i was gone. I know in my last entry i made no reference to it b/c it was kind of inpromptu. Well heres the story. Every summer my buddy Bert  goes away to cape cod for 2 weeks with his family and every year for as long as i can remember we always said we were gonna come up and visist. He always invites us almost half heartedly b/c i think he never expected us to take him up on it.. Well that all changed. He left on sunday of last week and i got a call from anthony a day later tellin me to pack my bags..we're goin to Cod!! It was supposed to be me, james, ant and his g./f meg but James backed out last minute..no worries though i had a good time anyway. When we called up bert i could hear the shock in his voice but to his credit he stood true to his word and welcomed us to come. On weds morning tony came to my house and the journey began...

It was a pretty lengthy drive altough anthony was weaving in and out of traffic like a sewing needle. We stopped a couple of times for piss breaks and food although  i didnt need to. For some reason i have the biggest bladder in the world and during the entire vacation i didnt even have to take a dump which leads me to believe i dont have a pulse. I mean i had some heavy duty (no pun intened)  food...1/4 pounders, seafood,  muffins, sandwiches, Wendys, the list goes on and on and not even a small ass nugget. Its crazy.. i was really thinkin about this and i had an epiphany..I barely talk, i dont go to the bathroom, and i look out of sorts 99% of the time...im a friggen walking zombie.

Anyway i thought i'd just share that little tidbit with y'all. SO we get there and it's beautiful!!! The house is right on the lake/pond!! It's amazing, he showed me pictures and told me stories but nothing and i mean nothing did it justice. it really has to be seen to be believed. The inside of the house itself was nice too but the surrouindings make it a million times better. The enviorment is just so peaceful, the type of enviorment that u'd go to write a novel or even to die. And there was so much cool stuff to do. The first day we went out there and just took a ride around the lake and we ended up swimmin with the fishes. Ordinarily that phrase would scare me to death (again no pun intended) but it was so surreal. We then did some fishing (i actuallty caught some nice lookin fish!) and even kyaked a little bit. i dont wanna bore everyone with my glee filled stories of the mini vacation but just know it was the best 2 day vacation i ever had and that includes atlantic city. I didnt wanna leave on friday but we had to, so it was a sad goodbye but it was def fun.. key things to mention "Booooooob", bert snoring agian, anthony being "a mary", the video, fire pit, stogies and bogies, the bog, and "row row row ur bert" !!! Good times. and a lot can be said about the people i went with. Anthony is a great kid, i always knew that but I never really knew ant's g/f megan. But from start to finish i definately enjoyed her company. I think anthony and meg make a cute couple and im happy for them, almost to the point of envy. i'll leave it at that.

Switching topics a little bit...work today was a nightmare. My first day back from vacation was hardly the welcome back i could have hoped for. 1 instructors called out sick and another 1 no showed, this left me in panic mode. I so didnt want to deal with calling parents and appologizing. I was like a pilot ready to jump out of plane, "fuck the passengers- i'm out". but i gutted it up and dealt with it. I got a free lunch out of it from my boss so it wasnt a total loss.

Self Survey

Those of you who have read this journal from the beginning already know all about my south oaks mentality but for those of u that dont, buckle up. A lot of people know me as this happy, "nicest to know" guy from levittown but every now and then i get down on myself.....not to the point where i contemplate suicide, but to the point where i feel i have to save myself from my own mental and physical suicide....i know thats hard to understand but i dont know how else to put it. I dont know why or what triggers my deep feelings of self loathing, but every month or so for about a day or two i lose it. I lose my sanity and feel like putting my own face on the dart board and taking aim. Today was one of those days. Metaphorically speaking I have a tornado of issues that swirl around me constantly. I always try to avoid them hoping they go away but they never do and eventually i get sucked into the frustration and its a long hard battle.  A battle that im not sure i ever truely win. Every month i lose a small piece of  myself. I feel like im fading away like that picture of michael j fox in back to the future and eventaully i'll just fade to the point where i never existed. I know that a major problem i have is that i have no confidence in my own self. I dont despise my life but i hate a lot of things about my life and wish i could make some changes. But thats really just the tip of the iceberg...i feel as if maybe i need a vacation or  something. Perhaps 1 day soon i'll go somewhere, just me. Not out of state or anything, just out of town, out of this house, out of familiar surroundings for a while..just to clear my head.  

In other news, me and bert went to jets training camp today. It was the first of many practices i hope to see in my days off from school. I def. had a good time but a lot of the big names weren't there or atleast not on the field. All and all it was fun though and i look forward to going again.

I was bored out of my mind the other day and i took one of those surveys that i used to always do in high school:                                    

Name: Cat /Catty bones
Birthplace: Hospital bed
Current Location: Wherever women are crying
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: cacasion skin and Brown on the sides
Height: 5'10 and 1/2, i'd be about 6'1 with an afro
Right Handed or Left Handed: Righty's do it right
Your Heritage: 100% Italian
The Shoes You Wore Today: New Balence, not very stylish    

Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: LOL which is used as "laugh out loud"- not "lots of laughs"- thats gayer than boy george
Thoughts First Waking Up: Shit..i gotta do this again
Your Best Physical Feature: I'm not sure i have one ..maybe my hats
Your Bedtime: Depends on the night and whats on TV
Your Most Missed Memory: I think i'll save that 1 for myself
Pepsi or Coke: I like Snapple
MacDonalds or Burger King: Burger King- gotta love the king!
Single or Group Dates: Group it up
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Nestea
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee: Hot choclate
Do you Smoke: Nope
Do you Swear: I swear i dont smoke
Do you Sing: I wouldnt call it singing but yeah
Do you Shower Daily: Yes
Have you Been in Love: Not really
Do you want to go to College: Been there, done that
Do you want to get Married: Eventually
Do you belive in yourself: Not really
Do you get Motion Sickness: No, id have to be on the move to get that 

Do you think you are Attractive: Not at all
Are you a Health Freak: not really
Do you get along with your Parents: Yes, my mom more so than my dad
Do you like Thunderstorms: Yeah it gives me an exuse to stay in
Do you play an Instrument: The man-jo
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Yes siree Bob
In the past month have you Smoked: Nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs: Nah
In the past month have you gone on a Date: See "do u think u are attractive"
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: yea, I bought pretzels
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: Nope, i like the choclate chips with the M& Ms
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Nope
In the past month have you been on Stage: I'm not gay
In the past month have you been Dumped: If you mean took a big shit- then yes
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: Nah, but berts going on vacation lol j/k
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Borrowed without telling is more like it
Ever been Drunk: Only buzzed- i havent found my limit nore do i wanna
Ever been called a Tease: No
Ever been Beaten up: Everytime I go to the gym !!!!
Ever Shoplifted: Does it count if u worked there?
How do you want to Die: Quietly in my sleep, after banging my lady
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: I want to be happy
What country would you most like to Visit: Italy 

Your Fears: I fear change
Your Perfect Pizza: Extra Cheese!
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Get a job and make my new years resolution come true                                                                                         
                      In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: Blue/Hazel
Favourite Hair Color: Dont really have 1, although blondes are said to have more fun
Short or Long Hair: Long but not down to the ass, thats like cave woman days
Height: Smaller than me - I dont do giants..midgets maybe lol
Weight: I like my woman to be no more than 7 kilograms
Best Clothing Style: the thong peeking out of the low ride jeans
Number of Drugs I have taken: Me? Nothing but advil
Number of CDs I own: Music is over rated
Number of Piercings: I like chix with belly rings- anything else is gravy/disgusting  - it can go either way
Number of Tattoos: lower back is nice- everything else is negotiable
Number of things in my Past I Regret: 2 or 3 big 1s

Not so Grad It's Over

School's fianlly out or atleast out for a while because i've officially graduated Hofstra!!! My last class ended pretty well, i had a presentation which definately wasn't my best but it was alright. We also had donuts and munchkins in honor of the last day so it was kind of a nice send off. I'm gonna miss it i think. Not the long boring hours of useless lecturing or the mountain of assignments for every class due on the same week..but more of the college atmosphere will be missed...Walking through the unispan, getting lunch at sbarros with gina, chilling in scotts car before going to class, summer session chats with gina and scott, and sitting in those comfy chairs in starr and doing the crossword puzzles. I learned a lot from going to college, more about myself than actual factual book knowledge. I learned that i can do a presentation without freaking out, i learned that when it comes to metting girls im a pussy but atleast i dont have stds, i learned that i can be smart while still finding time for tv and wrestling.. most importantly i learned that no education system in the world can uniformally teach  respect, love, pride and patience.. life it takes all kinds. These life lessons dont sound too exciting but i'm def going to remember everything i learned and im sure i'll miss it. As well as the few people i took the time to get to know.

So now i guess its time for me to step into the real world. I cant really see myself doing 9-5 shifts holding a briefcase and wearing a penguin suit but who knows- i might have to. I'm hopping to get a job with a secure company where i can make about 40K-50K a year while also going to school (and them paying for it). After i get my masters i'd like to def. get a much higher paying job, but we'll see what happens...1 step at a time.

The first step starts with me leaving saf-t-swim and although i probably wont miss the frustration of dealing with angry parents, long write-ups, and an office with no modern technology, i will miss the people...and the free gym membership!! Then i'll never get rid of this damn stubborn belly fat lol. Anyway, i havent given my 2 weeks notice yet i'll do that once i land a job and theres no telling how long that will take!! but i def.  want 1 by september!!!

For now it fun in the sun- it's time for me to actually enjoy the summer of X! I plan on going to mountain creek this sundaywith the boys and attending jets camp during the week (back to my alma mattar), perhaps AC, and even hitting up the beach. I'd even like to go bike riding if the sun doesnt burn a whole though my bike tires (Holy shit is it hot today or what). Its summer time and the livin is good!

I was thinking how awesoem the next couple of weeks are gonna be but then i realized....james is leaving for guatemala soon (god knows why, but im not askin questions), Mike is in florida, brad and gina are going to Busch Gardens, scotts prob gonna hang out with michelle, and berts prob going to be spending time with the 4headed monster..so ill prob be having a lot of ME time in the next few days. Not that i mind, i'll prob enjoy every second of it but now that i have no school i wouldnt have been opposed to going out..oh well.

If any1 cares- Over there- the new show on FX is phenominal!! it's one of the best shows behind rescue me, and entourage..also ultimate fighting is coming back! it will be on this sat at 9 on spike tv..watch it!

The Little Things

Hey chicken mcnukks..whats going on? It's been a busy few days recently so i havent had a chance to keep u guys updated, but im making significant time now, so deal. lol.

Um whats new? Well a couple of nites ago my plans of going to a party fell through and i decided to go to bed early..or so i thought...it turns out i had one of the roughesht nite sleeps of my life. I usually have trouble sleeping- i toss and turn a lot when i sleep and sometyimes i take more time trying to fall asleep then i do actually sleeping..but usually when i sleep- im out no bad dreams and no piss breaks- im out like a light...but not that nite...i had a wierd dream with some1 climbing into my house and then into my room and pretty much just watching me sleep... it was a guy with cut off sleeves too which makes it 10 times creepier... it made me feel so uneasy and i woke up all friggen paranoid..then i went to sleep again and was awoken by a phone call slightly after 4 in the morning about my brother being in a car accident...he's fine..the car on the other hand isnt but thats life i guess... (its a complicated story and 1 i dont like talking about so thats it on that topic) so it was hard to get back to sleep after that.

I shaved my head recently.. i've done it every summer for the past 3 years so its not really a fashion thing as it is tradition. If u never seen me bald, well u havent seen me without a hat lol. But i kinda look like an anorexic Butterbean...i dunno why but i kind of like it. The only thing that sux is the timing. i've been sending out resumes like a mad man and if i ever get called for a good job i'll have to go looking like a deflated Goldberg.

Today i saw a midget and as is customary when seeing a little person i stared until i couldnt stare anymore (he walked away)..and dont act like u wouldnt do the same thing...there is just something about these little batards that make u gawk in awe..its like a car wreck- u know u shouldnt be looking, but when u see it... ur eyes light up like christmas trees and u watch with eager anticipation for every sickening second. The image of this little guy stuck in my head all day, and brought me oodles of joy... i had visions of him acting as a bouncer at a club.... and then in an intense basketball game and then i found these bad boys...im sick i know but is there something funny about the link that says "view larger" or is that just me? And i know i said i'd never date a little person but check out that chick mini-golfing..not too shabby. good things do come in small packages.

I feel bad for this kid eric. I went to high school with him, i worked with him and i even had a class with him at hofstra.. We both graduated together and he invited me to go to his graduation party like a month and a half ago but i couldnt b/c i had class the next day. So just today he IM's me and asks me to go to his party this sunday and i accepted cuz i had nothing else going on plus my friend jim was going so i thought id go. Well it turns out that my work party ( i know its gay but i promised bert i'd go) has been moved to this weekend (in my favor cuz we are going to mountain creek next sun) and now i have to cancel on eric again!!! He's not the coolest kid in the world and he'd tell u that himself..but he is a really nice guy and i feel bad canceling..so i havent done it yet but i know i have to.

A new show starts tonite on FX at 10 pm and i couldnt be more excited.. My favorite shows are on Hbo and Fx so if it even looks remotely interesting to me i'll give it a whirl. Which says a lot about 6 feet under, the comeback and deadwood- but they mite be good..who knows?

Food and Drinks

I'm gonna hit u with a quickie hit, just to update y'all on the wedding and shit.

The wedding was excellent. It was a busy friggen day from start to finish but the time actually flew by. We got to the church at about 3:15ish and did a quick little rehersal before the peeps came. At the moment of truth i wasnt nervous at all...ehh maybe a little bit but i think i did a pretty good job. Not that its hard friggen work walking down the aisle and forcing a smile but i think i did ok. After the church we hopped in the limo, with the AC cranked as high as it could go and it was off to the Carlton for pictures and food!! Let me tell ya, a man can get used to the kind of treatment- food and drinks were everywhere and coincidentally so was i. When the camera stopped shotting i was either at the bar or looking for the nearest bus boy. Great food at the cocktail hour!!! and what was even greater, once we got upstairs in our own private quaters...there was more food!!! It was a beautiful thing!! After the cocktail hour it was time for us to be announced to appear on the dance floor. One by one all the wedding party people were announced and we danced out like the drunken idiots we were..oh yeha i was def buzzed there wasnt anything else that could have me open to the idea of dancing. So we danced out and then i danced with my mom for 1 song then it was off to the table. I sat next to the groom's sister Dina and at the risk of sounding gay- she was an abosolute delight. I had a good converstation with her the whole night, she kept it flowing well. Occasionally I glanced over at her b/f and wondered if he realized how lucky he was. i'm not saying she was gorgeous buttttttttttttttttt she def. was pretty and her personality made up for any defaults she may have had. She was exactly my type, the sterotypical sweet and funny girl that occasionally pops up into ur life and makes u wish u had a chance. Atleast thats been a running storyline in the endless snoozefest called my life. My brothers g/f asked me the other day whats ur type- and i said i dont really have 1. I dont limit my options to just  leggy blonds with mellons the size of, well mellons. No, the only thing im looking for is some1 with personality..so much personality it makes up for my lack of it. Anyway, back to the friggen wedding. The rest of the wedding went well- the venue was too stuffy though i think the AC had to be broken or something cuz it was too much to handle at times. Another slight criticism was the loudness of the band- i always seem to get hedaches at weddings i guess cuz im the oldest 22 year old in the world but i just think they can keep down a notch. All and all i had a great time and i didnt want the night to end and this is coming from some1 who hated weddings a year ago.

The night of the wedding was also the night of my good friend mike's birthday so a lot of people went to fridays to celebrate that nite. I felt bad i missed it so i wanted to try and make it up to him. We (me, bert, brad and gina) decided we all go out to a bar in mike's honor. We originally went to boss crokers and it was deader than elvis in there, u'd figure a sat nite would be jumping- but no sir that wasnt the case at all. So we had a drink and then we decided to leave....actually it was more like we were forced out but whatever, we left. We then went to a massapequa bar (that shall remain nameless for multiple reasons: 1- i forgot the name, 2- i dont want to see any of u there) and it was much better. Lots of people that i didnt know and no1 there to bother us/kick us out. Mike and his sister came and we had a great time with drinks and food- it was awesome untill bert got on his horn squashed the fun. He told people from work where we were and it kind of put a damper on things. I like to see coworkers from time to time but when celebrating a friends b-day its not right to go and talk to those people and leave the guest of honor- u know? i didnt like the fact that they came at all but whatever we stayed about 20 mins with them and then we decided to call it a nite.