Near the end of my rope

"We all commit certain acts in our lives of an unsavery nature, some bad, some worse, some unspeakable. Sometimes we suffer in silence, sometimes we seek redemption. For hes got what he wanted but in obtaining salvation there is a price that must be paid...one must give up a bit of one's self. The road...or the end of the road as it is written may not be the beacon of rightgeousness in which was invisoned. The glowing light at the end of tunnel may  not be what was expected. It just might be some horribly disfigured , fun-house reflection of our own inner dreams."

I remember hearing that poem way back in the day and for whatever reason i was able to remember it,  i probably fudged it up somehow cuz i dont think thats word for word, but thats pretty damn close. I don't know why i bothered to even remember it nore do i know why it's still fresh in my head years after i originally heard it...however, whenever i have a dark day- i reflect and this poem usually springs to mind and kind of inspires me to write my own morbid, self loathing poem.

As of late i have been having quite a bit of dark days both personally and professionally. Too many reasons to count, too many emotions running high. I  feel like i'm breaking down a little bit and pretty soon im just gonna go head first and crash. I can only remember me being like this once before and it was years and years go...prob about the time i broke up with jen and i was in up to my elbows in crazy shit.i obviously did get through that rough patch, although i had a little help from a now fallen angel. But now i'm giving it a go solo and i know i have plenty of shoulders to cry on if need be- but i choose not to. Its my path of choice... Obviously i'm not telling every1 my problems for a reason- cuz they're my problems.

I'm really looking forward to an off day on sunday just to be able to re-examine my entire situation. I need a day to kick my feet up and just think cuz I'm obviously not happy right now and that shouldnt be. My heads been spinning like a friggen draddle during the 1st night of chanukah and i'd like to find a way to ground myself.  Cuz as of late i've been testy, edgy and down right esplosive at times and i know thats not the real me- just 1 thats stressed out to the max. (By the way: im sweating like a hooker in church right now- its so fucking hot. I thought the basement was supposed to be the coolest place in the house- def not the case tonite.)

Anyway- switching topics a little bit...I dont wanna seem like a bitch..i know i've complained on this medium since i started it last year but i really dont think im that much of a complainer. Atleast i try not to be but Saturdays suck balls at Saf-t-Swim!!! We're talking big, huge, hairry balls here...not like the marbles u put in ur mouth when u were a kid- its more like a bufallo's balls.... First off i think its a conspiracy that every1 and i do mean every1 in the office pushes the worst parents to saturdays for me and angelica to deal with...couple that with the most inconsistant and unreliable instructors, plus an assistant manager who doesnt assist or manage, and that spells chaos. I am 22 years old but i feel like im going to be 73 b/c this place is the fucking death of me. Never in my life did i ever envy Notorious B.I.G. until today... b/c on the ride home from work I was praying for 20 bullets to hit the driver side of my thunderbird. Biggie's a lucky bastard if u ask me.

Alright thats about all i can muster up for now- hopefully the jets win tomorrow and put a smile on my face for atleast a little while.

Fireworx & Bottle Rockets

Last night was somewhat of a wild/crazy night for me. It didn't involve police, prostitutes, or a chainsaw so i guess it wasnt THAT crazy- but it certianly was eventful.

It started off like a typical sat night, with our weekly game of phone tag... i was all dressed up with nowhere to go. I was ready to throw in the towel, turn on the tv, and slip into bed until i got a call from Bert inviting me over to his joint. So scott and i went to Bert's house where James, Wildes, Dan from the movie theater and Samantha were already there. It started out nice, we were eating hotdogs and drinkin a little bit but thenreal fire works happened once the fire pit was lit.

GLASS JAW: So we're chillin around the fire- eatin 'mellows and bullshittin when all of a sudden Dan starts writting on the bricks with his wooden stick Then i get into the act and write down "kara" on the bricks and before i know it, without warning BOOM! I get nailed in the face with a beer bottle. Bert threw the bottle and it landed right on my kisser. I immediately checked on my chompers to make sure they were all intact, luckily they were..the front one is alittle lose though. The only thing is i had a bloody/fat lip. Every1 said that they couldnt believe i didn't flip out and to be honest i'm a little surprised i didnt too. I know i probably was out of line with what i wrote but it def.didn't warrant 16 ounces of  furry being propelled at my face. Had that thing shattered it could have been really dangerous. I think the reason i didnt flip out is b/c it's Bert. He's not a mean guy, i know he felt bad as soon as it hit me..plus he was drinken and we all know what happens when Bert drinks the kool-aid. So its fine, plus bert has taken quite a bit of abuse in the past so he gets more slack than others. Oh and im a pussy thats why lol.

After the bottle rocket, things returned back to normality for a little while until Dan got a call from Romeo. Romeo is a blast from my past- some1 i never really warmed up to and i have a feeling the only way i would warm up to him is if he was on fire. But Dan invited him to come to Berts house and of course he comes and sits right next to me. I had to get up- i couldnt even sit next to this kid. He's so god damn cocky and he has no reason to be. So i tried to ignore hm and have a good time. People were wrestling bert, throwing things in thefire and doing other pranks until romeo, dan and wildes left.

The Great Debate: So i was a little pissed off for much of the night. Partly cuz my lip was swollen and partly cuz romeo came, and really a host of other things in my personal life. Then things got really fired up when the permanent seatings issue was some how brought up by james. For those of u who dont know- its a long story that goes back a couple of years- or decades ago if u know what happend to rosa parks. But  the end result is that i feel/felt i got fucked over by a few of my friends. It was one of the most upsetting nites i've ever had and its one of those things where u forgive but never forget.

But anyway i really didnt want to get in to it...well i shouldnt say that- i would never have brought it up..in the past its been mentioned and im like "yeah ok whatever lets not get into it" but if u dig and dig eventually ur gonna find a root..and james hit the root of an old problem and i had no qualms tellin him exactly where i stood on that issue. we had a long exchange and things got pretty heated and perhaps down right uncomfortable at times...like when i was screaming "fuck u" at 3:30 am. But i am passionate about the subject. there are very few things that i feel are worth flippin out about and this was one of them. I stand behind everything i said a couple of years ago and i stand by what i said last nite. So i said what i felt i needed to say, and so did he- he didnt change my opinion and sadly i dont think i changed his- so thats it. We shook hands and settled it like adults.

Believe it or not- that wasnt the only action of the nite. James was obviously effected by our debate and he called Bert a piece of shit...and Bert lost it. He flipped out throwing a chair and eventually throwing the chair in the pool. But by the end of the night everything was smoothed over and it was an interesting nite to say the least.

Ground Zero: I cant help but feel the need to write a little something about 9/11 since it just past. I still get upset when i think of the shit that went down 4 years ago. THe patrioism and the the love for the police and firefighters have worn away for a lot of people but i still have an enormous amount of respect for the country and the people the fight to protect us. I hope nothing like ground zero ever happens again although i have my doubts..i just hope we are better prepared. I feel this country has rebounded off of this disaster pretty well and i feel we will rebound from Huricane Katrina. My thoughts and prayers go out to all that were effected by both tragedies.

In a personal matter- My uncle is going for his cancer treatment today and i'm very concerned. I know he'll be ok- im very optimistic he'll makea full recovery but i know its a long hard battle and thats whats upsetting.

Here Comes The Pain (part 2)

It's been mounting, and i've been dealing with it but buckle up cuz here it comes. I really didnt want to lose my cool and get pissed off but i'm left with no other options. As i mentioned in my last update- im still without a job and without a direction and i guesss that i am to blame for most of it but im not gonna sit here and throw stones at myself..no whats the point in that??? Instead I'm about to say my piece on whats grinding my gears and pullin my chain and whatever other hackneyed cliche out their.. This jounral is about everything going on in the job market and just about everything else....

First of all, had i known then what i known now i would NEVER be a marketing major. NEVER EVER EVER! When i decided to be a marketing major i had hopes of doing advertising or customer retention shit but its simply not offered or not available for entry level workers.. the only thing out there is for a fucking salesmen.. And I'm not knocking that job- if thats for u then fine, enjoy ur comission!!! but i personally didnt go to school so i can put trashy people in a Chevy Caprice. You dont even need a friggen degree for sales jobs, all u have to do is to tell people what they wanna hear and leave out what they dont need to know. Just spoon feed them the bullshit until it dribbles out their mouth and they cant swallow anymore... At Saf-t-Swim i rock that shit b/c i know people dont wanna know that their kid can drown at any given second, or if they dont like the program they aint getting their money back..i tell them that its a learneing experience which will be beneficial in the long run..its more of an investment then a purchase. its all about dangling the carrot and seeing how long it will take for them to go 4 it.

But back to the matters at hand- I've been applying for jobs like crazy, trying to sell myself to companies like i'm a corporate prostitue or somthing...and i havent gotten shit, not even a whistle. I called up my old stomping grounds HOFSTRA, to see what they can do 4 me and they turned me away like i wasgod damn  bin laden asking for nuclear arms. Its bullshit. I graduated not even a full month ago and now they push me away. Fuck that. I'm about to write 1 fucking nasty e-mail..no check that- f-mail to the career center. It's not easy going to school, maintaining a gpa above 3.0 whileworking over 20 hours a week and finding a job. So excuse me if i held off on employment oppurtunities until after i graduated. But I definately plan on going to their career fair whether they like it or not and they definately lost out on me going to them for grad school.

The real thing that ruffles my feathers metaphorically speaking of course, is that I dont understand why i havent gotten a call back yet though- i speak english, im not a cross dresser or a freak, im articulate and well mannnered, im a hard worker with a decent GPA and i dont cause trouble. I'd figure i'd be a friggen wet dream for most employers who deal with the nutty, bizzare, 1 -step from being a psychopathic homicidal mass murderer guy that works down the hall. But i guess in the new age of hiring im at a disadvantage. I'm a male and im white- thats an automatic 2 strikes. Every company has to be P.C. so if they are gonna get some1 straight out of college why not opt for the 1 legged chick with a hump on her back with warts on her nose..."gotta be pc- can';t have a lawsuit on her hands". It irks the shit out of me. Why not have the best people get the best jobs. If that gothic chick wants to dress like that have her start her own freakshow company, dont hire her to be the new spokesperson for irish spring soap- she doesnt deserve it!! It always happens, im not saying descriminate based on looks but u gotta really feel people out and sometimes u just know based on looks, sometimes u need to dig deeper.

Another thing thats got my undies in a bunch is cancer. This fucking thing is just out of control. It seems like its everywhere- more abundant than aids. My uncle Bill is set to go for  treatment on the cancerous lump on his troat. Hes gotta do the radiation and the whole deal. It's the real thing, the "big casino". I get emotional just thinking about it. My poor uncle is such a nice man and he doesnt deserve this shit- no 1 does. If i wasnt too busy praying to God that he gets better- i'd give him the middle finger for allowing my uncle to go through this shit.

Another tragedy happened to my family two days ago. My uncle Petey (on my mom's side) passed away. I'm going to his wake tonite as a matter of fact. He wasnt feeling well for a while but he lived a good long life. He was always joking around and having fun- im gonna miss him- even though i didnt see him much.

Huricane Katrina- As my friend mike would say "aint that some shit." It's really amazing what mother nature can do. those poor souls are suffering and they lost everything- and they are the lucky ones cause they survived. its good to see that people are donating and pitchingin- even i donated a little bit to try and help out..i think i may donate a little each week.  I'm not as heartless as some people think.

Part 1

The S-o-X has finally been put to rest but it really wasnt everything i had hoped it would be. The major disappointment is the fact that i still dont have a full time job...i feel like i graduated college only to fail in real life. Everyone else i know is going back to school or their jobs and i'm left here doing absolutely nothing. I really didnt think it would be this hard to land a full time job. I figured big companies would have room for low income graduates but that doesnt seem to be the case. Now with Katrina thier are going to be even fewer jobs in the marketing field  for entry level grads.

The best offer i recieved was to sell life insurance for new york life.... and thats really not what i dreamed i'd be doing. I was this close to accepting it too but my dad doesn't want me to settle so quickly..but i cant stay mooching off my parents forever. I need a job for money as well as my sanity. Ideally i'd like a job with a fair salary, full benefits and most importantly a tuition reimbersement plan b/c i do plan on going to grad school. I'd stay at the job for 3-4 yrs until i get my degree then i'd re-assess my situation.

Swimmin with the Fishes

Well i'm back, but most of u guys probably didnt even know that i was gone. I know in my last entry i made no reference to it b/c it was kind of inpromptu. Well heres the story. Every summer my buddy Bert  goes away to cape cod for 2 weeks with his family and every year for as long as i can remember we always said we were gonna come up and visist. He always invites us almost half heartedly b/c i think he never expected us to take him up on it.. Well that all changed. He left on sunday of last week and i got a call from anthony a day later tellin me to pack my bags..we're goin to Cod!! It was supposed to be me, james, ant and his g./f meg but James backed out last minute..no worries though i had a good time anyway. When we called up bert i could hear the shock in his voice but to his credit he stood true to his word and welcomed us to come. On weds morning tony came to my house and the journey began...

It was a pretty lengthy drive altough anthony was weaving in and out of traffic like a sewing needle. We stopped a couple of times for piss breaks and food although  i didnt need to. For some reason i have the biggest bladder in the world and during the entire vacation i didnt even have to take a dump which leads me to believe i dont have a pulse. I mean i had some heavy duty (no pun intened)  food...1/4 pounders, seafood,  muffins, sandwiches, Wendys, the list goes on and on and not even a small ass nugget. Its crazy.. i was really thinkin about this and i had an epiphany..I barely talk, i dont go to the bathroom, and i look out of sorts 99% of the time...im a friggen walking zombie.

Anyway i thought i'd just share that little tidbit with y'all. SO we get there and it's beautiful!!! The house is right on the lake/pond!! It's amazing, he showed me pictures and told me stories but nothing and i mean nothing did it justice. it really has to be seen to be believed. The inside of the house itself was nice too but the surrouindings make it a million times better. The enviorment is just so peaceful, the type of enviorment that u'd go to write a novel or even to die. And there was so much cool stuff to do. The first day we went out there and just took a ride around the lake and we ended up swimmin with the fishes. Ordinarily that phrase would scare me to death (again no pun intended) but it was so surreal. We then did some fishing (i actuallty caught some nice lookin fish!) and even kyaked a little bit. i dont wanna bore everyone with my glee filled stories of the mini vacation but just know it was the best 2 day vacation i ever had and that includes atlantic city. I didnt wanna leave on friday but we had to, so it was a sad goodbye but it was def fun.. key things to mention "Booooooob", bert snoring agian, anthony being "a mary", the video, fire pit, stogies and bogies, the bog, and "row row row ur bert" !!! Good times. and a lot can be said about the people i went with. Anthony is a great kid, i always knew that but I never really knew ant's g/f megan. But from start to finish i definately enjoyed her company. I think anthony and meg make a cute couple and im happy for them, almost to the point of envy. i'll leave it at that.

Switching topics a little bit...work today was a nightmare. My first day back from vacation was hardly the welcome back i could have hoped for. 1 instructors called out sick and another 1 no showed, this left me in panic mode. I so didnt want to deal with calling parents and appologizing. I was like a pilot ready to jump out of plane, "fuck the passengers- i'm out". but i gutted it up and dealt with it. I got a free lunch out of it from my boss so it wasnt a total loss.

Self Survey

Those of you who have read this journal from the beginning already know all about my south oaks mentality but for those of u that dont, buckle up. A lot of people know me as this happy, "nicest to know" guy from levittown but every now and then i get down on myself.....not to the point where i contemplate suicide, but to the point where i feel i have to save myself from my own mental and physical suicide....i know thats hard to understand but i dont know how else to put it. I dont know why or what triggers my deep feelings of self loathing, but every month or so for about a day or two i lose it. I lose my sanity and feel like putting my own face on the dart board and taking aim. Today was one of those days. Metaphorically speaking I have a tornado of issues that swirl around me constantly. I always try to avoid them hoping they go away but they never do and eventually i get sucked into the frustration and its a long hard battle.  A battle that im not sure i ever truely win. Every month i lose a small piece of  myself. I feel like im fading away like that picture of michael j fox in back to the future and eventaully i'll just fade to the point where i never existed. I know that a major problem i have is that i have no confidence in my own self. I dont despise my life but i hate a lot of things about my life and wish i could make some changes. But thats really just the tip of the iceberg...i feel as if maybe i need a vacation or  something. Perhaps 1 day soon i'll go somewhere, just me. Not out of state or anything, just out of town, out of this house, out of familiar surroundings for a while..just to clear my head.  

In other news, me and bert went to jets training camp today. It was the first of many practices i hope to see in my days off from school. I def. had a good time but a lot of the big names weren't there or atleast not on the field. All and all it was fun though and i look forward to going again.

I was bored out of my mind the other day and i took one of those surveys that i used to always do in high school:                                    

Name: Cat /Catty bones
Birthplace: Hospital bed
Current Location: Wherever women are crying
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: cacasion skin and Brown on the sides
Height: 5'10 and 1/2, i'd be about 6'1 with an afro
Right Handed or Left Handed: Righty's do it right
Your Heritage: 100% Italian
The Shoes You Wore Today: New Balence, not very stylish    

Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: LOL which is used as "laugh out loud"- not "lots of laughs"- thats gayer than boy george
Thoughts First Waking Up: Shit..i gotta do this again
Your Best Physical Feature: I'm not sure i have one ..maybe my hats
Your Bedtime: Depends on the night and whats on TV
Your Most Missed Memory: I think i'll save that 1 for myself
Pepsi or Coke: I like Snapple
MacDonalds or Burger King: Burger King- gotta love the king!
Single or Group Dates: Group it up
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Nestea
Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee: Hot choclate
Do you Smoke: Nope
Do you Swear: I swear i dont smoke
Do you Sing: I wouldnt call it singing but yeah
Do you Shower Daily: Yes
Have you Been in Love: Not really
Do you want to go to College: Been there, done that
Do you want to get Married: Eventually
Do you belive in yourself: Not really
Do you get Motion Sickness: No, id have to be on the move to get that 

Do you think you are Attractive: Not at all
Are you a Health Freak: not really
Do you get along with your Parents: Yes, my mom more so than my dad
Do you like Thunderstorms: Yeah it gives me an exuse to stay in
Do you play an Instrument: The man-jo
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Yes siree Bob
In the past month have you Smoked: Nope
In the past month have you been on Drugs: Nah
In the past month have you gone on a Date: See "do u think u are attractive"
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: yea, I bought pretzels
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: Nope, i like the choclate chips with the M& Ms
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Nope
In the past month have you been on Stage: I'm not gay
In the past month have you been Dumped: If you mean took a big shit- then yes
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: Nah, but berts going on vacation lol j/k
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Borrowed without telling is more like it
Ever been Drunk: Only buzzed- i havent found my limit nore do i wanna
Ever been called a Tease: No
Ever been Beaten up: Everytime I go to the gym !!!!
Ever Shoplifted: Does it count if u worked there?
How do you want to Die: Quietly in my sleep, after banging my lady
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: I want to be happy
What country would you most like to Visit: Italy 

Your Fears: I fear change
Your Perfect Pizza: Extra Cheese!
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Get a job and make my new years resolution come true                                                                                         
                      In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: Blue/Hazel
Favourite Hair Color: Dont really have 1, although blondes are said to have more fun
Short or Long Hair: Long but not down to the ass, thats like cave woman days
Height: Smaller than me - I dont do giants..midgets maybe lol
Weight: I like my woman to be no more than 7 kilograms
Best Clothing Style: the thong peeking out of the low ride jeans
Number of Drugs I have taken: Me? Nothing but advil
Number of CDs I own: Music is over rated
Number of Piercings: I like chix with belly rings- anything else is gravy/disgusting  - it can go either way
Number of Tattoos: lower back is nice- everything else is negotiable
Number of things in my Past I Regret: 2 or 3 big 1s

Not so Grad It's Over

School's fianlly out or atleast out for a while because i've officially graduated Hofstra!!! My last class ended pretty well, i had a presentation which definately wasn't my best but it was alright. We also had donuts and munchkins in honor of the last day so it was kind of a nice send off. I'm gonna miss it i think. Not the long boring hours of useless lecturing or the mountain of assignments for every class due on the same week..but more of the college atmosphere will be missed...Walking through the unispan, getting lunch at sbarros with gina, chilling in scotts car before going to class, summer session chats with gina and scott, and sitting in those comfy chairs in starr and doing the crossword puzzles. I learned a lot from going to college, more about myself than actual factual book knowledge. I learned that i can do a presentation without freaking out, i learned that when it comes to metting girls im a pussy but atleast i dont have stds, i learned that i can be smart while still finding time for tv and wrestling.. most importantly i learned that no education system in the world can uniformally teach  respect, love, pride and patience.. life it takes all kinds. These life lessons dont sound too exciting but i'm def going to remember everything i learned and im sure i'll miss it. As well as the few people i took the time to get to know.

So now i guess its time for me to step into the real world. I cant really see myself doing 9-5 shifts holding a briefcase and wearing a penguin suit but who knows- i might have to. I'm hopping to get a job with a secure company where i can make about 40K-50K a year while also going to school (and them paying for it). After i get my masters i'd like to def. get a much higher paying job, but we'll see what happens...1 step at a time.

The first step starts with me leaving saf-t-swim and although i probably wont miss the frustration of dealing with angry parents, long write-ups, and an office with no modern technology, i will miss the people...and the free gym membership!! Then i'll never get rid of this damn stubborn belly fat lol. Anyway, i havent given my 2 weeks notice yet i'll do that once i land a job and theres no telling how long that will take!! but i def.  want 1 by september!!!

For now it fun in the sun- it's time for me to actually enjoy the summer of X! I plan on going to mountain creek this sundaywith the boys and attending jets camp during the week (back to my alma mattar), perhaps AC, and even hitting up the beach. I'd even like to go bike riding if the sun doesnt burn a whole though my bike tires (Holy shit is it hot today or what). Its summer time and the livin is good!

I was thinking how awesoem the next couple of weeks are gonna be but then i realized....james is leaving for guatemala soon (god knows why, but im not askin questions), Mike is in florida, brad and gina are going to Busch Gardens, scotts prob gonna hang out with michelle, and berts prob going to be spending time with the 4headed monster..so ill prob be having a lot of ME time in the next few days. Not that i mind, i'll prob enjoy every second of it but now that i have no school i wouldnt have been opposed to going out..oh well.

If any1 cares- Over there- the new show on FX is phenominal!! it's one of the best shows behind rescue me, and entourage..also ultimate fighting is coming back! it will be on this sat at 9 on spike tv..watch it!