Quickie

First of all- let me just say congratulations. If you are able to read this- u made the cut. I felt it was time to trim the fat- i dunno who read this thing but i wanna have an idea lol. So from now on everyone on my buddylist is enable to see this journal...everyone else can take a long hard one up the pooper.

SO if ur an observent one u'd have already realized that it's tues. nite and close to 8pm...the"hinge" as it were labeled...but yet no longer. Confused ?, join the club. But im not going to ramble on and on about what may or may not be...i've had talks with those that care and i've recieved all the advice i can handle...All varied but with a similar message- "beeeeeee yourself".. (some1 actually quoted Aladin lol). Anyway a big thanx to every1 for listening and for ur continued support on this. it really does mean the world to me.

In a bizarre twist of fate the whole dilemna has actually gotten me closer to people from work and although they arent as understanding as my friends- they have come in with unbiased yet brutally honest viewpoints that have helped open my eyes a little bit. im not gonna go into detail but ...lets just say ive been nicknamed "the pathetic gambler", and "ready whip" lol. Its all done in fun and i know they are just bustin balls but i cant help but wonder if they're right. aight ive said my piece..now i shall... (peace)

Always and never

E-MO ALERT: the following blog contains pathetic ramblings of a probably soon to be very depressed/inconsolable shell of a man...Please dont judge.

For years I suffered in silence. Only ever wanting that 1 thing. The one thing that people live and die for.  The one thing people breath everyday for.. But now i breath for something else. I live hoping that 1 day i'll be good enough. 1 day maybe i'll know what its like to feel it back. im running a marathon with no finishline...i've got my eyes on the forbidden fruit....it's look but dont touch, touch but dont taste, taste but dont swallow. its an endless and vicious cycle. My heart melts by the minute.

For the first time ever, i felt it. Short but sweet. i lived in a world where music had deep and sentimental meaning. A world where excitement and pain were separated only by a phone call. i dont want to call it love..but it was the pursuit of it. I have 1 opportunity to make it right and though i will do my best to make it work...i realize that in my heart of hearts - im weary. words cant describe my feelings...and there lies the problem. If this doesnt work out i have no1 to blame but myself...and thats not going to help me get through the day.

I just wish it could be like the movies. Everything seems so much easier when there's a script involved but feelings arent. Im not even going out with this girl but i care more for her than any of my past girlfriends. Sad but true. i dont eat, sleep, or smile when shes mad at me...And to be quite honest i am still not sure she likes me. I feel as if she likes me only b/c im a nice guy..or cuz her friends tell her she should. That leaves me feeling like im "not good enough". Call me crazy but i thought the the beginning stages of a relationship are supposed to be all smiles...

I know im not the perfect guy but to someone some day i mite be. i pray for that day... sooner rather than later...i pray for tues nite at 8- its the hinge that will swing the door either way. Always and never.

Fucked up

It's ass crack of dawn early here on Saturday and i have no idea why im not snoring like a grizzly bear but for whatever reason i just can't sleep...I basically got home  3 hrs ago from Jay's show in the city. . I wanna tell you everything that happend last nite but there is a slight problem...i dont remember all of it...im lucky if i remember half of it. The nite is kinda pieced together in my mind like an unsolved murder case. As you can probably guess i drank last nite...and boy did i ever. I drank with the intent of getting fucked up and well, i fucked up. I dont ever drink with this mindset- its just my heads been up and down like space mountain lately so i felt it was missi to wash everything away and start fresh..i'll explain that in a little bit. But for all those that care, I no longer hold the label of "a man with no tolerance or limit"...i was making out with a toilet and throwing up out the window of a taxi...(we'll get to that too).... and i dont want to sound like im bragging about that b/c quite frankly its nothing to be proud of. If anything im embarrassed/ashamed i let myself get like that and you know what... if it was just with friends i probably wouldnt care too much b/c i have seen the majority of them wasted....but it was also in the company of some1 i actually care how she views me..Nikki and thats what really suxxx.

I mite still be a little drunk as i'm writing this so bare with me here- (im sippin on a poland spring bottle like a baby on a rubber nipple). but let me preface this story with my feelings on getting drunk....i hate it. I hate people who feel like they have to get annihilated to go out and have a good time. I mentioned a few blogs ago that i saw my brother at the Nutty Irishmen 1 nite and hes 1 of those people that i hate. He got completely shit faced..so much to the point it was embarrassing for me to watch. I was with Sim at the time and i was just so pissed. mike thinks i hate my brother when thats not the case at all- i love him  but  i feel like he constantly makes the wrond decision. Hes one of the people that feels like he has to be the cool 1 and has to impress people but 1 by 1 his "cool decision" have led him on a downward spiral and im concerned. I guess im kinda vee here so i'll end that sub story...  but just know i really hate people who drink too much- like i wanna punch them in the face and thenkick em while they are down. I swore i'd never get like that but i guess now im just a hypocrite cuz i did. 

Here's the short version of the story....So the plans were set (although i wasnt looking forward to going). We were to meet Nikki (the only thing i was lookin forward to) and her friend Raych in the city and then proceed to go to Jay's show. Both my parents were out for the nite- my mom was sleeping over my Aunt's house (they do that from time to time now with the passing of my uncle) and my dad was working late. With the house pretty much to myself and what promised to be a long nite a head of me.. i decided to take a drink of grey goose- just to loosen me up... as i mentioned nikki was coming out tonite and i have a habbit of kind of clamin up around her so i wanted to get a little buzzed just so i could be a little more fun, things have gotten off to a rocky start and thats been concerning me..i just wanted to show her that im a fun guy...cuz i think i am a fun person..i just need a little help sometimes. So with that said i prob drank about half a glass- nothing outrageous...and then bert picked me up and we went to get wildes. I gotta fast forward this story a little bit otherwise i'll be here till noon..but we had several drinks even before we got in the city and then more as we hit up penn station...i was doing shots on the train/ shots at fridays, shots at the bar, also sprinkle in some beers. but anyway back to the meat and potatoes of the story...I GOT FUCKED UP. I dunno when and how it hit me but metaphorically speaking....i was done before i got started. I remember Jay on stage and i remember cheerin but i dont think i managed to see the end of his set because i was too busy in the fedal position  spooning the toilet.  Before that i remember sitting down and just relaxin for a second- Tom came over to me and asked if i was ok- from there i just remember being in the bathroom and somehow nikk,  raych and wildes came in there after me. A huge "thank you/wish they didnt see me like that" goes out to that trio. They didnt leave my side... they got me some water and coached me through it...if i had hair im sure theyd be holdin it back...and the whole time i was sweating like an animal... it was a bad scene- truthfully i would have rather been slaughtered by an army of pissed off midgets. i dont know where that came from- i just wanted to think of something embarrassing and all i got wasan army full of midgets...what the hell is wrong with me? The thing is i know i was out of my mind drunk but im guessing i looked 10 times worse and thats not a comforting thought.

So whatever we finally made our way out of the bar- nikk and bert took me in a cab...wildes and raych got there own..and nikk and bert both took really good care of me b/c i was feeling like shit up until i throw upppp...3 times out the taxi window. Fuckin Bert, the guy mite beat the shit outof me on a constant basis but i cant explain to u how good of a friend he is.  They guy literally took the shirt off his back and whiped up the vomit off the taxi. So the rest of the nite he was cold and uncomfortable but he fuckin never complained. Sidebar...After i threw up i did feel better and  i got better and better as the nite wore on... it just sux that my nite had consisted of them babysititng me. I've been in that position before and i know its def not fun and certainly not a good way to kick off a relationship.

What is it about the city that makes people lose control??? I guess i shouldnt place the blame on the location as much as i should the person but some1 once told me every crazy nite starts in the city and its kinda true.... All and all it was a nite to forget, although im sure i wont for a long long long time....

A late nite write...that will prob get deleted

I'm not sure if this journal will ever make it to public viewing.Right now im just looking for a shoulder to cry on but its 11 o clock and i dont know where else to turn. I'm honestly so up and down right now- its crazy. I know i just wrote how amazing this weekend was and im not backing down from tha- its been a blast...but then 1 kind of wierd phone call from Nikk and i get all frantic and my heart starts to slow down and i lose control.

We kind of hung up wierd and thats always a red flag. I know conversations with me aren't very exciting-if i dont have that much to talk about i'm not good at just making shit up. I feel like that's certainly an issue- we are relativelt new to 1 another and we dont have anything to really talk about. whats wrong with me? I try to act cool but that would kinda be like me pretending to be something i'm not. Cool has never been my forte. I wanna be myself but the real me usually never answers the phone. I think my problem is i care too much not to care. I want her to like me as much as i like her. Its immature, its fuckin school yard love bullshit but i cant help it- im a loser.

Im so scared of blowing this.. probably b/c its a new situation for me. Every other relationship i was in i was kinda in control. I knew the girl liked me so i was pretty much the 1 callin the shots- Thats really not the case here at all- I think shes interested but im so head over, that i cant help but express it and i know thats not the way to play the game...but i really cant help it.

Breaking news- I just got another call from her right now and shes out but she wants to talk to me later. I really have to pull it together on this. I mean logistically i havent known her for that long- i shouldnt be sooo caught up in her...but i am. If things were to end tonight i'd probably be more heart broken then the way things ended with Jen or Melissa and that totally freaks me out. 

I like to use movie quotes to express my feelings- some people opt ofr song lyrics- its whatever floats ur boat. The line that best represents my feelings is "always and never." It's a line from Sin City...let me find the whole line- hold on..."My warrior woman. My Valkyrie. You'll always be mine, always and never. Never. The Fire, baby. It'll burn us both. It'll kill us both. there's no place in this world for our kind of fire. Always and never. If I have to die for you tonight, I will." The line its so beautifully fuckedup- its wierd - but it sums up everything. I'm actually looking for advise on this 1 cuz i feel as if im about to crash and burn.

8o).....Best Weekend In A LONG LONG Time...

I'm not going to lie, my life has always been pretty good. I was never beat up,  or abused, or one of those nerdy Star Wars fan..i was always able to lead my own life with the occasional battle over privacy and freedom...and although those issues still remain a constant struggle, I've never been truly miserable. I may have complained a lot ...but i realize i have been fortunate. With that being said, this past weekend makes my entire life look sad and a little empty.

At this point in time i cant remember ever being happier. Why you ask? Well its really simple...I got to spend the weekend with people i care about it. And for me, life doesn't get much better than that. St Patrick's Day was a busy busy day, i barely had time to breathe. First of all, let me hit u all up with some corporate FYI- if you're not Irish apparently its not cool to dress up in green- I didn't get the memo but i guess every1 else did. People at Canon looked at me like i was an albino at a Lauren Hill concert. It was fricken wierddd...but anywho,  I wanted to actually do something this year as opposed to the previous 23 years where i stayed home and wasted away (im not talking about getting wasted either)- i did nothing!

So i was eager to make things happen...on my lunch break i was making more calls than R. Kelly's PR director. I was trying to set things up and "spread the word." Money and being 21 is always an issue now a days so we found an ideal solution...Bert's house! Odds are the Mirendas were having a party anyway so what's a few more guests, right ? lol- j/k. So, once the plans were in motion i went back to work. When 5 o clock hit i was out the door and in traffic...and they closed the southern state so it was a stand still for a while (the last thing i needed). I finally got through it  and  then picked up a pizza for the family and then came home. I inhaled the food and got ready before  heading out to my cousins house in farmingville- its way out there i dont even know if its on the map. My cousin and her husband have finally successfully adopted a baby so we went down to see her. It's a perfect situation and the baby is adorable and - its just oodles of happiness lol. I can ramble on about that for hours but im sure no1 really cares other than me.  So while this is all well and good it was just the starter to my weekend. 

 I finally camehome made a quick  call to Jimmy Jam Boye (just to make sure he was coming out) and then it was off to the Notorious B-E-R-T's. Here is where the real goodness comes into play. Pretty much all of my hometown homies were present- which doesn't happen often. The only person that was missing was Anthony and he was missed....but still i think everyone had a good time. Wildes and james had their pants off (and it was freezing out), beer pong games were going and the fire pit was blazin in the background. Now insert Nikki. You all know who she is by now- she's the only girl who i've gushed over since i've known her, reference- knife to the heart. So she comes in with her friends and i immediately feel my heart thump like a bass drum from a Toto cover band (the metaphors get gayer and gayer im sorry). So i try and make small talk without blurting out something stupid which is pretty much impossible b/c im as smooth as super crunchy peanut butter. So i was pretty much nervous/excited the whole nite i was with her. I guess i kind of avoided her (although not on purpose) cuz i felt like i was acting weird, and i talked to her friends Raych and Jaime a lot just to make sure they were having fun and cuz i was interested to meet them. I guess i should have spent more time with nikk but i cant undo the past. SO when it was time for her to go i said - goodbye cuz it looked like she was just gonna leave without saying goodbye.. but she came over and asked me to walk her out and hold her hand...Friggen Rico Suave over here says "Why are ur hands cold??" lol- i think i mite be part retarded.. i really do.  But i just cant think straight around her i guess. Anyway- she called me later that nite and we had a nice talk till my phone died and it looked like i hung up on her... i know what ur thinking- this sounds like a nightmare- how is it the best weekend?? I cant explain it but it just was.

Yesterday was good too. I got the best email of my life and then later that night played some cards and just sat around a table and told old stories and jokes. It was a blast, then i came home to talk to Nikki online. I'm telling u- this was one of those weekends where it all came together like a puzzle. I still got some self conscience issues of my own to work out but 1 step at a time. I just want to relish it a little longer.

Devine intervention

With the plans in motion and a reunioun imminent i decided to take a drive to think about things. It was a little after ten and the roads were pretty much wide open.... I had opted to take the long way home, so with the music down and the windows up i drove. I slowed down at every yellow light and as the the light turned red, i'd sit in silence contemplating my next move as if it were a real life game of risk. But in the end i was in no way closer to a realizatrion as i was when i first started. As i got home I took a shower and then layed across my bed stairing at the bright lights of the four burning bulps that dangled above me. Knowing i was at an emotional stalemate, i decided to call it a night. I had work the next day and i knew i'd need all the sleep i could get...my eyes were sleepy but my mind wasnt.  I luthargicly killed the lights and undressed my bed and then i muttered one last time what i had been contemplating for hours... then not even 15 seconds later i heard a bang. It came from my tv stand- it was the sound of something falling- ordinarilly i prob would have just left it and figured it out in the morning but as i mentioned my mind was racing like a Nascar driver. So i sprung up, turned on the light and gave it a look.. and then suddenly, just like that, my mind had been made up. I received a sign, a direction , a form of guidance.

I dont want to say it was an act of God but i cant rule out some sort of devine intervention. (since my uncle passed away there have been quite a few spooky yet comforting  coincidences that lead us to believe hes still with us. I really think this was one of them). I know you probably think im crazy or this magical sign had to be something extraordinary like a glowing light or something but i t wasnt anything like that at all. It was a picture frame that fell over. The picture hasn't been touched for years probably since i put the picture inside of it. SO it had no reason to fall but it did....thats unusual but u it happens somestimes- i understand that. So I was all set to pick up the frame when i looked behind it and saw the other frames in the background. This is where it all came together like the last 15 minutes of the movie Clue.  In those frames were pictures of old memorries, old girlfriends. I took that as a sign and an answer to all my questions. That was all i needed. i was going to give this a shot .

I know that sounds like an opening to a Goosebumps novel but its a real life summary that led to last night...My first date in years. Although i'm still not sure it was a "date". It's a confusing and wierd situation and i think i may be the reason for it. In any case, yesterday is a story in itself, it was a day of nerves, excitement and chaos. The play by play is uneccesary and prob better left unsaid. But i will say that the outcome didnt go as well as i had envisioned. i'm not going to lie i'm left feelin a little dejected, i fee like a helium baloon that just popped. Its hard to explain why because i had a good time and definitely love her company. i guess i just felt like there wasnt chemistry there- i felt as if she saw me as a friend and thats all. I cant get mad at that but i cant help but hang my head a lttle bit either.. I think i did the 1 thing i didnt want to do and thats make the mistake of getting my hopes up too damn high but the truth is i like her, i like really like her, and i dont like that many people. I'm not the type to get crushes every other week. Shes something special, I think shes fun, beautiful, and sweet.  knife to the heart lol. But if it wasn't meant to be- thats all it is. I gave it a shot, i tried my best (i even DROVE!!!) and the rest we'll just have to wait and see.

I really don't have much else to say today. I had so much material but now i feel like its dated (no pun intended) and quite frankly im not in a jolly, joking mood. I just want to thank all those who helped me yesterday, i appreciate all your efforts.