I'm not sure if this journal will ever make it to public viewing.Right now im just looking for a shoulder to cry on but its 11 o clock and i dont know where else to turn. I'm honestly so up and down right now- its crazy. I know i just wrote how amazing this weekend was and im not backing down from tha- its been a blast...but then 1 kind of wierd phone call from Nikk and i get all frantic and my heart starts to slow down and i lose control.
We kind of hung up wierd and thats always a red flag. I know conversations with me aren't very exciting-if i dont have that much to talk about i'm not good at just making shit up. I feel like that's certainly an issue- we are relativelt new to 1 another and we dont have anything to really talk about. whats wrong with me? I try to act cool but that would kinda be like me pretending to be something i'm not. Cool has never been my forte. I wanna be myself but the real me usually never answers the phone. I think my problem is i care too much not to care. I want her to like me as much as i like her. Its immature, its fuckin school yard love bullshit but i cant help it- im a loser.
Im so scared of blowing this.. probably b/c its a new situation for me. Every other relationship i was in i was kinda in control. I knew the girl liked me so i was pretty much the 1 callin the shots- Thats really not the case here at all- I think shes interested but im so head over, that i cant help but express it and i know thats not the way to play the game...but i really cant help it.
Breaking news- I just got another call from her right now and shes out but she wants to talk to me later. I really have to pull it together on this. I mean logistically i havent known her for that long- i shouldnt be sooo caught up in her...but i am. If things were to end tonight i'd probably be more heart broken then the way things ended with Jen or Melissa and that totally freaks me out.
I like to use movie quotes to express my feelings- some people opt ofr song lyrics- its whatever floats ur boat. The line that best represents my feelings is "always and never." It's a line from Sin City...let me find the whole line- hold on..."My warrior woman. My Valkyrie. You'll always be mine, always and never. Never. The Fire, baby. It'll burn us both. It'll kill us both. there's no place in this world for our kind of fire. Always and never. If I have to die for you tonight, I will." The line its so beautifully fuckedup- its wierd - but it sums up everything. I'm actually looking for advise on this 1 cuz i feel as if im about to crash and burn.
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