Always and never

E-MO ALERT: the following blog contains pathetic ramblings of a probably soon to be very depressed/inconsolable shell of a man...Please dont judge.

For years I suffered in silence. Only ever wanting that 1 thing. The one thing that people live and die for.  The one thing people breath everyday for.. But now i breath for something else. I live hoping that 1 day i'll be good enough. 1 day maybe i'll know what its like to feel it back. im running a marathon with no finishline...i've got my eyes on the forbidden fruit....it's look but dont touch, touch but dont taste, taste but dont swallow. its an endless and vicious cycle. My heart melts by the minute.

For the first time ever, i felt it. Short but sweet. i lived in a world where music had deep and sentimental meaning. A world where excitement and pain were separated only by a phone call. i dont want to call it love..but it was the pursuit of it. I have 1 opportunity to make it right and though i will do my best to make it work...i realize that in my heart of hearts - im weary. words cant describe my feelings...and there lies the problem. If this doesnt work out i have no1 to blame but myself...and thats not going to help me get through the day.

I just wish it could be like the movies. Everything seems so much easier when there's a script involved but feelings arent. Im not even going out with this girl but i care more for her than any of my past girlfriends. Sad but true. i dont eat, sleep, or smile when shes mad at me...And to be quite honest i am still not sure she likes me. I feel as if she likes me only b/c im a nice guy..or cuz her friends tell her she should. That leaves me feeling like im "not good enough". Call me crazy but i thought the the beginning stages of a relationship are supposed to be all smiles...

I know im not the perfect guy but to someone some day i mite be. i pray for that day... sooner rather than later...i pray for tues nite at 8- its the hinge that will swing the door either way. Always and never.