Out With The Old..In with the New

After "living" through 23 years on this earth i know that it's getting harder and harder to remember things. The years always seem to blend into 1 another.. and faces and names are starting to vanish from my head like its a David Blaine trick. So as yet another year comes to an end, it's time to reflect for a moment and reminisce about all the happenings of the past year...before we forget all about it. Only a few memories come to my mind but that doesn't mean the year was a waste... In fact, I've got to say that 2005 was a rather significant year for me. I was able to achieve some major personal goals in route to taking the first step towards adulthood..

Here are a just a few things that happened this year... I went to my first basketball game, went to a PROM (has to be in caps), Jury duty, the S-o-X, graduated HOFSTRA, was in a wedding party, hittin up the bars, Cape Cod (amazing!), Atlantic City, Jets training camp, fire pit at Bert's house, quit Saf-t-Swim, started at Canon USA, "knife to the heart"(i'm an idiot!!), and Atlantic City yet again. It was a good year....then again, '05 wasn't just grins and giggles..i had a lot of family issues which kind of offset the mood a little bit...BUT thats life- right? we don't live in a perfect world so u have to embrace the good and push away the bad...i know its cliche but i guess i have kind of a Hallmark outlook on life.

Movie Picks...The top 5 of '05.....1-Sin City,(possibly the best movie ever) 2- Cinderella Man, (Oscar worthy) 3- Wedding Crashers (hysterical), 4- Hitch, (i got nothing to back this up..i just remember liking it) 5- Mr and Mrs Smith.(Angelina looked good). (NOTE: i didn't see King Kong or 40 year old virgin but they probably would take the 4th and 5th spot). Worst movie of the year-  Aeon Flux, followed closely by Constantine. 

So with this year practically behind us,  lets take a look ahead...As of this moment, i don't have any big plans yet for new years eve...although im hoping something falls into place real real soon. Any suggestions??? If i'm watching Dick Clark with mom and Dad- the balls not the only thing that's gonna drop if u know what i mean (and if u do ur smarter than i am cuz i don't even get that). However i do have some set plans for 2006..i'm not a psychic but i do see big things.....BIG THINGS in '06 lol...not really i just tell myself that. The real plan is to stay statusquo. If my life were a sports franchise the next few years would have to be considered "rebuilding years". I got to start prepping for the future. These steps include saving as much money as possible, and even going back to college for my masters. ..but that doesn't mean- i cant have fun this year. I am all set to go on a cruise later this year, AC again... and who knows what else- im in as long as its logical and i can get off work... It's times like now where u really understand what looking at the "opportunity cost" is all about..Its not always about utilitarianism. Much like Miss independent, Kelly Clarkson, i too don't stray too far from the sidewalk. Did i lose u? Basically i wanna stay on track while still managing to have fun- its possible!!

If i were to make 1 resolution this coming year- it would have to be...to be more personable. I think my quietness is mistaken for anger and really that's not the case. In most cases i'm actually a pretty nice person but it take quite some time for me to open up....I'd like to change that. i want to be more bubbly than champagne...Its definitely somethign i'm gonna have to work on- i have to open up and change my old way of thinking.  Thats my first priority..i think taking my self off block was a good first step. I also wanna get in great shape this year- its a goal every year but damn it, i mean it this time lol. I think my upper body has improved a little so now its time to focus on the lower region...aka, the gut! I'm gonna try and spend some long hours working to get in tip top shape...so lets see how long i last before i say fuck it, turn on the tv and eat raw cookie dough.....I also may finally get the lasik surgery done- Lord knows i need it. Its getting to the point where i need to carry pocket binoculars to sneak a peek at the ladies lol. Speaking of which, i think the last thing (actually the first thing) i'd like to achieve this year is finally getting a g/f. I know this was my resolution last year and i failed..I'll admit it, i definitely failed- its not easy to find good girls..i did meet a grea girl but it dint work out...but with more and more of my friends occupied on Friday nites- i find myself in need of somewhere to go and some1 to love lol. So now this year- there are no excuses. Do i have options- ehhh i guess but i honestly don't think i found the right girl yet (or i should sayhavent found the right single girl).. i still hold out hope lol...i know a lot of great girls but for whatever reason- i don't feel it would work out....and why waste time?? one day, hopefully soon i'll meet her and we'll be set.  I have set down a mental time frame that i'd like to have a g/f by but i know that's kinda stupid cuz its not really something u can plan...So i guess i'll just keep going through life as i am and hope that everything works out for the best.

In achieving all this i know i'm gonna have to spend a lot less time on the computer- cuz god knows its ruining my life. As a result i probably wont be writing as many journals. I'm not giving it up all together but i am going to try my best to make better use of my time. If it doesn't work out- I'll be back here- so you'll know if i stuck to it or not.Wish me luck.

Here are some random things that i hope happen in 06- 1- my sports teams get better....(I can't imagine them getting any worse). 2- Kanye West gets beaten up reallly, really, really, really bad. I know what ur thinking - why not just wish death upon that cocky no talent son of a buzzard- well i'll tell you why. His death would spark outrage amung assholes and idiots everywhere...and they would glorify him as if he was the next john lenon (kinda like they did with tupac). But really- he isn't, he's annoying like the bealtes (not the band, the insects)....3-The US troops come home safe (no joke there)  4- telaporting finally becomes a reality 5- pro wrestling becomes an Olympic sport 6- homosexuality becomes extinct when scientists realize gay people are clinically insane. 7- Wendy's comes out with a 50 cents menu, 8- they stop making American pie movies...i'll stop there but believe me i have so many more wishes for the new year....

My last wish is that I hope everyone has a healthy and safe new year!! I hope everyone experiences BIG THINGS in 06!! (see i'm really trying to be a positive person)

Dec. the Halls

I don't know how many more journals I'll be able to squeeze in before the new year so i figured i'd add a little bit more today and pretty much whenever i can. I know i'd like to have 1 more large blog to kind of tie this year in a little bow...but we'll see if time allows it...obviously today is not the day. Today i'd rather focus my self professed "busy month."

Let me start by saying that I HATE December. I hate this month almost as much as i hate terrorism, diseases and Kanye West.... December's like the kid who got picked last in gym class. If December  was personified it be the Bladwin brother that no1 really cares for ....or for my black friends, it's the Sean Wayans of months.

 First of all it's cold, and im talking brutally cold. What's sad is that the weather has just started to change and and i'm already starting my winter rant. The thing is I just know its gonna get a lot worse before it gets better. Don't get me wrong, I like wearing sweaters but  lets get real- if i don't have to shiver like a leaf on a dying tree- i'd prefer not to. Waking up early and defrosting the car sux  more than words can describe. Everyday i mutter obscenities as i scrape the ice off the windshield. Furthermore, I really loathe the people who say "i love the snow"....i always act really surprised but what i really mean to say is "Aww that's b/c ur an idiot...Move to Antartica". These people are usually females and don't lift a finger when its time to shovel. I hate to stereotype but that's just what i've noticed. Basically if you love the snow - ur not out there enough...and driving in it is chaos. I think driving on a sunny day can be dangerous- adding snow is like adding bazookas to a friendly paintball game.

But another reason i don't like December is because of the holidays. During the year I don't go shopping b/c i never know what to get myself...but now i gotta do my best john edwards impression and pick something for people i don't really know..I dont mind getting gifts for family cuz well..they're family!!! But people from work and neighbors and ...this holiday is out of control. Are we forgetting that this holiday is built on a lie?? I'm not even talking about the so called "jolly fat man". But since you brought it up- Why do we have to lie to these kids- I think telling them that Mommy and Daddy bought the presents would make the kids respect his/her parents more than giving all the credit to a bushy bearded miracle man with a magic slay. I'm talking about the "virgin" Mary. Unless her full name is Mary Houdini... I just don't get it. But every year i am forced to partake in the gift giving. I have to go to the mall and push my way through like i'm at a metallica concert. AND What is with the store greeters in every store?? "Hello, how are you...need any help" STFU!!! I cant help but think "Aren't there any other jobs you can be doing, are u really getting paid for this??" I swear to god i hate it- i purposely pick up clothes that i'd never wear unfold them as if i am interested in making a purchase and drop them...basically saying "here, do something and fold this!!" (for those of you who witnessed my blunder "Jesus died on christmas" i am certainly embarassed... i have gone through years and years of religious instruction and u'd think i'd know that x-mas was his birthday...haha-thanks Wildes--i suck)

Another reason i hate December (and so should you) is b/c i was born on this vile month. Every December I feel older and older and it sucks. The good times are over- i only have social security and retirement to look forward to.  My friends know the deal by now and they dont even acknowledge my birthday. I think pretty much everyone knows the date (i tried my hardest to keep it a secret but somehow the secret got out) which is fine as long as i don't get any special attention. i don't like to be singled out- i'm no better than anyone else so why should i have my own special day??

But with age comes change- a man who thinks the same at 23 years old as he did when he was 18 has wasted 5 years of his life...I like to think i haven't wasted my life. I think i have changed-maybe not dramatically but definitely a little bit..I've gotten a little mentally tougher...and a bit more hateful. I still am nicest to know- i just know a lot less people. I remember deleting my entire buddy list as kind of a social experiment to see who my true friends were.  I dont want to go into the long process but i basically kept myself on block for the entire 5 years..up until now. I dont think i need to block people anymore- it's time to grow up. It's time for more growing, more changes...2006...Stay Tuned

A Prepared Statement

I give my friends a lot of credit b/c I realize that holding down a conversation with me is no simple task. Sometimes I have trouble expressing myself verbally and others times i just don't have anything to say. So 1 on 1 chats with me can be more one-sided than a Tyson fight. I try and add my 2 cents whenever possible but i still feel its never enough . I guess i'm kind of a human fortune cookie in a way b/c I have little tidbits of wisdom which i share with people but never fully elaborate on. That's why this journal thingy is so great- it gives me a chance to speak on things. I know I've kinda been slackin a little but that's a direct result of lack of time and material. However i now have an abundance of both- so lets get down and dirty.

"He who fails to plan, should plan to fail" - I've always loved this quote b/c its a philosophy i subscribe to. I'm a planner. I plan everything from my daily chores to my retirement. ie-When its cold out i bring a jacket and gloves, when i don't know where i'm going i get there extra early, I even have quarters tucked away in my wallet- just in case. i liked to be prepared for anything and everything. I guess i kinda look at things on a grand scale. I don't wanna brag but i feel like i have the ability and foresight to see the big picture. That's the gift God gave me-(yeah thanks GOD!! I couldn't be great at basketball or crazy intelligent- no this is my gift). I am grateful though b/c i know a lot of people have it in fact some people scoff at my beliefs. They like to live day to day and minute by minute. As i said before i sketch things out and look at the big picture- these people take it piece by piece and paint by numbers. It really fascinates me/boggles my mind. I'm not saying i'm better than them- i'm just saying that we are on totally different frequencies. My friend recently blasted me for lacking spontaneity and he's right. I'm more predictable than a Hollywood break up but u know what i don't care. My ex girlfriend did but i dont!!! I'd rather be prepared for my future than wondering what tomorrow will bring. He's great though- he's living life to the fullest and he's got dreams and aspirations that make Bill Gates jealous. I guess the reason i am so future oriented is b/c i still haven't figured out what i want to do with my life. Yeah im doing ok for now but i dont know if i'm going to work for Canon my whole life. I'm just bulding a foundation...My friend knows what he wants to do and he knows there is plenty of money there for him so that's prob why hes so care free. He recently went on rant about how hes organizing a road trip cross country. He's going to buy a bus, pimp it out and hit the highway...That's something I'd never do for the sole reason- its not financially smart. We had a long chat and i told him my concerns- he's aware of them all and he still wants to do it. The only thing i can say to that is that i wish him him. It's been a dream of his and if he can make it a reality than thats fantastic. My only dream was to be a pro wrestler and that dream died about the same time Owen Hart did. I traded in my dreams for a cubicle and number 2 pencils..but i'm doing fine.

My self esteem is making a slow climb towards normality. I've been puttering on empty for almost four years now but all it took were a few compliments and now im cruising. I dont know why but these things always seem to happen in bunches- and btw..when did the word "bunches" become gay??? I got crucified for saying that word but u know what- im gonna keep saying b/c its a fun word....bunches of fun....anyway i remember working at k-mart and having a little fan club but its been years since then. And i think time has def hurt me more than it has helped. So I really dont know whats going on- im waiting for ashton kutcher to pop out and act all stupid that way things can get back to what im used to. But i hope something good comes out of it.

Things at Canon are going well. Last Thursday was Secret Santa day..i know it sounds a bit on the homosexual side but it wasn't too bad. It was equipped with FREE pizza (multiple toppings available) and Starbucks!! Plus we also had free cake!! it was most enjoyable. Little FYi- apparently secret santa means don't put your name on the card..it's supposed to be a mystery- i didnt know that. This coming thursday is another holiday party with homemade dishes- so i'm gonna have to enlist my bro to cook up something good.

Well thats enough for today- i have so much more to say but i'll save it for another time.

 

Comment Bored

Have you ever been in a situation that pissed you off so fucking much that you can't even fathom it. You get so fucking angry you have to control yourself with every remaining ounce of strength. You wanna yell, you wanna scream, you wanna break some skulls. You pace up and down and watch tv but you're really not watching tv at all. To divert attention you actually laugh as an emotional escape to hide the frustrations. No? Nobody can relate? Well it doesn't happen often but to me, it happens. In fact that is my current mind frame as i'm writing this. I can't even explain it or justify my anger b/c i know it will be shrugged off and filed under the category of "no big deal" but to me it is. I know i tend to be a little over sensitive and i realize that this may be a prime example but at the same time i do feel somewhat disrespected and for that no excuse will do. I don't even think its worth bringing up b/c like Mary J blidge- I don't want no more drama in my life.

So lets switch gears like Lance Armstrong.

Let me put you in another scenario, hopefully this one will ring a bell.... Have you ever said or muttered the phrase "i don't care what people think of me"...yeah u know u have. Everyone says it but the fact is- EVERYONE CARES. You might not respect the person enough to validate his or her opinion but you still wanna know how you're perceived. I know I've said that i don't care what people think- i seem to live by that attitude but its not true. In the past few weeks I've heard 2 comments that really took me off guard and made me scratch my head like a circus chimp. They aren't mean spirited or meant to cause me anger..just comments said in passing that i didn't expect...The first comment came from someone at my old stomping grounds, s-t-s. She's relatively new there but i worked with her on a couple of occasions and have seen her a bunch of times. So she has  developed a perception of me...With that being said she's also14 years old. Fourteen year olds aren't usually looked upon for their wisdom but in any case- she made a comment....and as everyone knows, getting insulted is never easy to take but for some reason it tends to sting a little bit more when your getting dissed on by someone who isn't old enough to ride the bumper cars. This fourteen year girl said to me "Oh you'll never get married." What balls, right??? lol Definitely not theworst thing that's been said to me but it still stung. I guess it stung b/c i feel their is some truth in it. It wouldn't have hurt if i didn't find it a credible criticism. I know have issues... some minor, some major and i need to overcome them or I'll find myself- just like i am right now...cranky and alone.

The next comment was certainly a welcomed one..it was said by in essence, a complete and utter stranger. Side bar: I don't know if you guys noticed this but quotes from random people seem to be more effecting than things said by people u know. Like when a family member compliments u- its like whatever- their family... but when a stranger says "nice shirt" your face lights up with excitement...you go home and wash it immediately and can't wait to wear it again....Anyway back to the quote, if i may indulge myself ... "He (me) is so good looking"...Now i could be mistaken- but if that was truly said to me- it not only made my day but  also the bulk of my work week. I was walking around town whistling and shit. Actually laughing about it. I mean, really???? I've been called a lot of things by a lot of people- but good looking isn't ringing many bells. Good looking? yeah perhaps compared to a burn victim. People are strange. But whatever, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder...and she might have a glass eye-( i don't really know).It  was an uplifting comment though and i felt i should share it with you- hopefully u get as much humor out of it as i did.

I'm really bored but i'm not in the mood to continue so i'm gonna stop it right here.

Let's Talk Turkey

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and i don't know about you guys but i always look forward to this holiday. I like thanksgiving more than x-mas and I know this goes against popular opinion but i see Christmas as more of a childhood fantasy than a holiday (although i love x-mas eve). If you couldn't tell by now- i'm not a big fan of attention or even gifts- i'd rather be the one doing the giving. Thanksgiving is all about giving...its about giving thanks... So even though i feel like God looks at me as his own personal toilet at times, i still feel the need to give thanks b/c i know it could be a lot worse. 

I can go on a long tirade about how people take their lives, and the people in their lives for granted. I know we're all guilty of this but my focus would remain on the spoiled, jappy people who seem to "need" everything and don't realize that their needs are actually lavish and extravagant wants....and then i can segway into the fact that i hate these people..but i'm not gonna do that. Too little time, too much to say....so you can all give thanks to god about that tomorrow while sucking down on a drum stick. You were spared my lecture. But instead, i just want to wish everyone a happy thanksgiving and i urge everyone within my reach to really sit down and think about what you're thankful for.

Here is a brief list of what i'm thankful for (besides the obvious things that everyone should be thankful for) For one- the gift of sight. My eyes aren't great but i can't imagine a world without my peepers. Being able to see my shows every week is what helps me get through life. I mean really take the time to think about it. Blind people (from birth) have absolutely no idea what colors are- they have no idea what a rainbow looks like, or what a hot chick looks like. They'll never know how beautiful a sunny day can be, or how picture perfect a holiday turkey can look. On the flip side- they dont have to look at the uglyness of blood, war and Geraldo Rivera, so i guess their is a positive spin on everything. They can't even see in their dreams!!! They have no idea what it's like to see so their dreams are auditary. How crazy is that??? Can u imagine dreaming sounds!!! Its wild! ANother thing i'm thankful for- is the food i eat. Yeah my mom sees to go hamburger and hot dog crazy in the summer time but i still have a wide variety of food options. I have the ability to go out and get food whenever i want- poor starving people dont have that. Just a little something to help ur wheels start turning.

With all the thanksgiving talk out of the way, let me back track a little bit and talk about my trip to AC. Defiantly a good time, but how could it not be.... I was with friends and we were out of Long Island- Bob Ross couldn't have painted a better picture (no matter how many happy little trees he added). But the one down side was that it was a little too short.. Next time we gotta overnight it cuz we were all kinda tired and not having a hotel room forces u to gamble away all ur money. The room can act as a safety net and besides that, its where most of the fun happens. The party don't stop in the city they call Atlantic. But anyway- it was fun and definitely a good way to celebrate Gina and Brad's birthdays...although they kind lost..but Simeone won!! As for my performance- ehhhh not so hot- i lost yet again..I think i'm like 0 for 27 so far but i still feel like I'll have my moment of glory....My frustrations started within the first half hour there and stuck with me the whole time...im still pretty pissed off about it. Let me explain,  i brought some quarters to drop in the slots..and not just any slots- wheel of fortune- my slot of choice. So i see 3 machines not in use, its rare cuz everyone loves to spin the wheel, so i pick the 1 right in the middle. I start playing and with every quarter i drop the anticipation gets bigger...then an elderly lady comes and sits to my right. Side bar: Why do old people gamble anyway- their prime is behind them.. they should be knitting blankets and baking cookies. Gambling isn't an efficient way for old people to use their money.  Social security isn't much these days. But anyway- within 3 pulls of the machine granny wins 2700 quarters!!! I was happy for her at first but as the music continued to play and the quarters started accumulating- i got more and more pissed. That could have been me, damn it!!! I was gonna football tackle her and run away but i held it together. I just wanna win once, i wanna hit the jackpot...i don't care if it isn't millions- i'd be satisfied with $350 or better...just something to make the trip feel like a success. But the Lord just won't allow it. He likes to dangle that carrot in front of me but he'd rather see me starve than take a bite of happiness. Freekin God, and freekin damn dirty filthy Slots!

Wellthats all for now- i know this 1 is kinda short entry but i gotta get ready for "the craziest night of the year"...I'll see u all soon... Have a happy and healthy holiday and enjoy the bird.

Welcome to the Suck

"Welcome to the suck". Those of you who saw the movie jarhead probably recognize that quote, but for me it holds a very special meaning. Those words speak volumes. That little montra will be printed on my "welcome mat" as kind of a warning to all those who dont know the hell that lies behinds that door. It could also be the title of my autobiography or the soundtrack to my life. Obviously i'm not serious, but i sometimes feel the need to explain that.  I've noticed these little editorials are getting more and more depressing and i dont want people thinking that i'm like 1 spam email away from going over the edge...i'm sane- i swear. If u know me you realize that i'm the happiest s.ob. this side of the looney bin. I just seem to focus on the stuff that bothers me as sort of an emotional release. Don't judge me...we all have our quirks. Anyway lets try and stay positive today- onto bigger and beeter things.  

And what's bigger and better than Atlantic City? If you said Vegas or Cancun ur probably right but -ur ruining my point..i'm going back to Jersey, the sunshine state- (some1 double check that for me)! I know i was just there 2 weeks ago but what can i say? The Donald is calling my name, so I'm loading up the pockets with all the loose change i can find and im heading back there Saturday. Again, i kid, i keeed. Im not going because i'm a degenerate gambler although that doesn't help.... The big reason is b/c it's Gina's birthday (and Brad's too- his was Weds).  So hopefully mike comes too otherwise...i'l be third wheelin' it all the way to AC with Brad and Gina. It's not like i haven't done that before though...whatever I'm looking forward to it.  

I haven't told my parents i'm going to AC yet though. My communication with my parents is very limited...it's sad but it's really the only thing that keeps me from rockin a straight jacket. For some reason telling my parents things is like planning a war. I have to be very methodical with how and when i drop the bomb. I'm not one of those people who can't wait to move out- i like my house and i like not paying for things..i'm not stupid. Now is the time to prepare for the future- not start it. And don't get it twisted either- i do help out when i can. I go food shopping and do some shizzle around the house. But what i hate is that everytime i step footin the house after a rather long day of work and traffic (i know its not too bad of a commute..but their is traffic) my dad is right there asking annoying questions about my day. I need some time to unwind, atleast a second. I need privacy- i need some friggen oxygen. Not only that, but i dont like talking about how my day at work went...For me its another day another dollar. You think he'd understand that- but he doesn't and he gets PISSED...It's like when your parents used to ask you how ur day at school went..you always said "fine" and that was it...actually i always said that and assumed it was like that in every family...that is every family not named Mirenda lol. But i never said, "oh school was great, i learned this, this and this..." Thats not my steez- and it never will be. You're lucky if u get more than 2 words out of me on a subjected im excited about... but my family doesnt see that. They ask me to talk for hours like Larry King or something.  

 I'm really pissed off at myself (i know i said i wasnt going down this route but consider this a slight detour). I wanted to go to Chili's yesterday to see my old boss Michelle. She hasnt been out with the old S-t-s crew since she became pregnant. So it was kind of a big deal. But like an asshole i went to lay down for a bit  before getting ready and before u know it, i was out like a fuckin light. I slept right through phone calls and everything. I woke up this morning so pissed off. I went in the bathroom and staired at myself with hate in my eyes. I know its not the end of the world, and i'm sure she wasn't upset at me but i would have wanted to be there- atleast for an hour or so just to say hi and tell her that i miss workin with her. I'm still kinda pissed actually (its 12:33 pm- im writing this during my lunch break cuz i dont know if i'll have time to write 1 later tonite).

   Last weekend i got a Case of the Ex. To be totally honest...i'm not really sure what that means, i just know i heard it in a song or somewhere. Let me explain what i want it to mean... Last weekend I went to go pick up some pictures from my local convenient store, CVS. For years i avoided CVS like it was a shark filled ocean. Even though its like not even 3 minutes away, and couldnt be more convenient....i always feared of getting caught in an awkward confrontation/conversation.But now I likegoing to CVS..pretty much everyone from high school has moved on so it's safe to go back in the waters..Now adays the only one i see from time to time is Mike Levy and he's good people. He keeps the convos quick and painless, plus hes looking to leave too. So anyway, there i was picking up some pictures when all of a sudden i see my ex girlfriend's best friend (i had not counted on seeing her). She also works their but in the pharmacy section. So i said hello and we had a 5 minute chat...not bad..she seemed excited to see me but i'll never understand why....so if that wasn't excitement enough. I then went food shopping and i bumped into my ex's little sister and grandma. Oh and by the way- i couldnt have looked more unpresentable if i took an axe to my face. I had a  thick beard and was wearing crusty clothes...i looked like a homeless chuck norris. but in my own defense, its the weekend- i dont go style, i go comfy. It's what i do...They were probably like- "oh wow, mike looks like he's gone to hell since he broke up with Jen"...but whateves...let them think that...the fact is i was in hell way before i broke up with her. But anyway back to the story-These convos were of course, then followed up by a phone call with Jen where we caught up a little bit....I was reminded of the past, both- the good and the bad times...we then spoke again the next day online briefly. Its not a reunion, just more of touching base. I dont see things ever being the way they were between us- we've reached the point of no return. But their is no ill will there. Atleast not on my side- u never no with chix...and that basically concludes the Case of the ex.

Let me end this journal with a brief commentary on Eddie Guererro. For those of you who don't know him- he was a wrestler that died earlier this week due to heart failure. I obviously didnt know him personally but like with every wrestler that enters the WWE, i let them into my home every week- so i kinda feel like i know them a little bit. Like i said I used to watch him every week on TV..i followed his career for years..I saw him rise from a mid carder to a main event caliber wrestler...his transformation was joy to watch but now i unfortunately dont have that luxury. I'll be the first to admit i though, I wasn't the biggest Eddie Guererro fan but their was no denying his abilities in the ring and on the mic. He had a love for wrestling that was obvious to anyone who watched him. He gave the crowd a show and was always entertaing. I have a great deal of respect and admiration for him and even though his death was proably due too his own ignorance- via drugs, alcohol, and/or steriods- its still a tragedy. Viva La Razzza.

VIEWER MAIL

By now you're all familiar with why i started this journal, so i'll spare u the history lesson. I know their is nothing more boring than hearing the same stories over and over again. My grandfather loves to tell me the story of how he "watched the fights last night"- everytime i see him its a different fight but ironically enough the same story. By the end of the night he's snoring on the couch which leads me to believe that he only says that story to bore himself to sleep. But anyway, at the risk of boring you guys with some repittion....here we go....when i started this mama jamma, i only knew of a couple of people that actually took the time to read it. It was kinda like top secret shit, i remember describing it as "like fight club." (BTW- u know ur a loser when u start to quote urself)... i liked a small audience b/c i knew i didnt have to tip toe around border line contovercial subjects. I could shoot from the hip, tell it like it is, bite the bullet or whatever 1960's expression u wanna use. I didnt sugar coat anything and i spoke about whatever i wanted no matter how embarassing or evil they may have sounded. That's kinda why I didnt promote it. You never saw an e-mail with the link and i never  threw it on my away message. I simply created a link somewhere and had people find it on their own. If they liked it great, if not- even better. But now it seems like the secret is out. I've assembled a small army of viewers. Ehh, maybe thats the wrong choice of words- What army, besides the Swiss, is in the high single digits? it may seem humorous to u guys but its a significant amount for me.  I dont have 100 people on my buddy list, i have a fraction of that. To make a long story short, basically all im saying is that i didnt know how may people wasted part of their days reading this. I'm still gonna try and be as truthful as i can, i just hope u guys enjoy readin it.

So with all that being said i'm going in a different route today. The Talk Soup route, b/c I'm taking the time to answer some viewer mail. That's right kiddies, we are going interactive today. I'm not gonna name names but i'm going to retort or some of the comments that have been said about me or to me. Are u ready cuz here we go....

Topic 1- I'm "too hard" on myself...I'm not gonna spend too muych time on this topic b/c i feel its rather stupid. i write how i feel, if i'm depressed mywritting is going to come off that way. Sometimes i say things in jest and arent meant to be taken literally..but i'll grant u one thing my self esteem was never high to begin with. It's a genetic defect like down syndrome...i'm just ugly on the inside..which is a perfect segway for topic 2.... 

Topic 2- Apparently  i'm "gong to hell" for some of the stuff i wrote...I really didnt get an exact quote on what he or she was referring to but it could have been my love for snipers, feelings on suicide, or maybe my haterd for "my arch nemisis"...All decent points however i think i have a better counterpoint.... I'm not going to say i was only kidding with some of the stuff i say cuz theirs always that 1 person who says "with every joke their is some truth to it" and i do agree with that...kind of, i alluded to it before....but my main counterpoint is....I was voted nicest to know in high school lol j/k. Although i do feel, if i'm going to hell- im going to see all of you bastards there eventually!!! (God forbid)...Truthfully, I'm not going to hell. I think the Lord owes that to me. I've taken too much of people's shit not to get a free pass into heaven. I'm telling you right now if i am in Hell it's b/c heaven was too cold and i wanted to get some heat....  I really feel that I live my life in a very decent manner. For example, I dont get road rage, I say god bless you when people sneeze,  and i don't give store employees attitudes when somethings not in stock. The bottom line is I try and be as pollite as possible towards my fellow species. If everyone lived that way- i think this world would be a much better place. A lot of people do much worse than what  i say/write. Their is a big difference between wishing somone was "shot in the face with a bazooka" than actually going out and doing it. I'm not a do-er, i don't even do the dew. I'm a paper warrior but a human punching bag..and if God doesn't reward me for that..their is going to be trouble...I mean really- if i wind up in the same place as dirtbags and rapists- I'm gonna be pretty damn pissed..too bad i wont be able to write abut it.

Topic 3- I guess people thought i was kidding when i said i dont want love advice...yeah- kinda not kidding....in fact i couldnt be more serious if i was howard stern (get it sirius?.ehhh??). If i wanted advice i'd ask Dear Abby or Dr. Ruth Brothers...on second thought- no i wouldnt...and can we talk bout them for a second. Obviously i'm not old enough to know what they looked like when they were young. I hope to hell they were attractive otherwise it makes their jobs even less credible, but take it from me...people who write long drawn out pieces of literature every week are not experts in love their not experts on anything. If anything they are the loneliest people in the world. I'm living proof....But back to my original point, I dont want to get hooked up with a friend of urs, a sister or anyone. The fact is I had my eyes on someone who i deemed as special,  it didnt happen and that's it...I'll live and i'll probably love again....although i'm not too optimistic about that. But i have found a way too embrace being single..i would even venture to say that being unattached is proably the best thing for me. Why? well its not the fact that i'm home again on a friday nite but b/c I get to save some money and create a nice little nest for the future...I know real estate and engagement rings are expensive so i'd like to be able to have something for the future. I' m a planner...thats what i'm about. My new years resolution/year plan was to graduate from college, get a job and get a g/f....2 out of 3 aint bad. But I'm not saying my eyes are closed to love but my ears are. I dont want any advice/help...I'll do it my way and i'm sure one day it'll all click together...hows that for optimism.

The last and final topic is Myspace.... Holy shit has this thing taken off or what? People have suggested that i "join" which right there kinda turns me off. I dont wanna "join" anything... unless its the Jessica Alba fan club. The whole concept of me being part of a large network of people looking for new friends is the complete antithesis of what i've been preaching all these years. Its very similar to a Catholic priest giving a hand job to a gay man while reading the koran...I dont wanna meet new people- i'm already trying to avoid people i know. Besides as it is i spend way too much time online and from what i've seen..myspace is an addiction. And this goes for all u facebookers too- its all the same shit...but i dont wanna piss all over ur parade b/c i understand it. I'm not gonna lie i've logged on under my friends name and i checked it out- i can see what the buzz is about. Plus i know dating is tough- its like a desert out there. So if u wanna try this- good for u- best of luck to u. But-I just dont want throw my picture up there and be part of the madness..Every guy has the same picture. They just did 100 push ups and then run to the camera and snap a quick "check me out" pic...The girls always try and be sexy and their is always that 1 mirror shot with the flash on.  In my humble opinion Myspace is a fad, it's the modern day snap-bracelet or the tail..remember that god awful thing??- In fourth grade the back of everyone's heads looked like a Billy Ray Sirus concert..but thats all it is to me and i dont wanna get rapped up in it.