Let's Talk Turkey

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and i don't know about you guys but i always look forward to this holiday. I like thanksgiving more than x-mas and I know this goes against popular opinion but i see Christmas as more of a childhood fantasy than a holiday (although i love x-mas eve). If you couldn't tell by now- i'm not a big fan of attention or even gifts- i'd rather be the one doing the giving. Thanksgiving is all about giving...its about giving thanks... So even though i feel like God looks at me as his own personal toilet at times, i still feel the need to give thanks b/c i know it could be a lot worse. 

I can go on a long tirade about how people take their lives, and the people in their lives for granted. I know we're all guilty of this but my focus would remain on the spoiled, jappy people who seem to "need" everything and don't realize that their needs are actually lavish and extravagant wants....and then i can segway into the fact that i hate these people..but i'm not gonna do that. Too little time, too much to say....so you can all give thanks to god about that tomorrow while sucking down on a drum stick. You were spared my lecture. But instead, i just want to wish everyone a happy thanksgiving and i urge everyone within my reach to really sit down and think about what you're thankful for.

Here is a brief list of what i'm thankful for (besides the obvious things that everyone should be thankful for) For one- the gift of sight. My eyes aren't great but i can't imagine a world without my peepers. Being able to see my shows every week is what helps me get through life. I mean really take the time to think about it. Blind people (from birth) have absolutely no idea what colors are- they have no idea what a rainbow looks like, or what a hot chick looks like. They'll never know how beautiful a sunny day can be, or how picture perfect a holiday turkey can look. On the flip side- they dont have to look at the uglyness of blood, war and Geraldo Rivera, so i guess their is a positive spin on everything. They can't even see in their dreams!!! They have no idea what it's like to see so their dreams are auditary. How crazy is that??? Can u imagine dreaming sounds!!! Its wild! ANother thing i'm thankful for- is the food i eat. Yeah my mom sees to go hamburger and hot dog crazy in the summer time but i still have a wide variety of food options. I have the ability to go out and get food whenever i want- poor starving people dont have that. Just a little something to help ur wheels start turning.

With all the thanksgiving talk out of the way, let me back track a little bit and talk about my trip to AC. Defiantly a good time, but how could it not be.... I was with friends and we were out of Long Island- Bob Ross couldn't have painted a better picture (no matter how many happy little trees he added). But the one down side was that it was a little too short.. Next time we gotta overnight it cuz we were all kinda tired and not having a hotel room forces u to gamble away all ur money. The room can act as a safety net and besides that, its where most of the fun happens. The party don't stop in the city they call Atlantic. But anyway- it was fun and definitely a good way to celebrate Gina and Brad's birthdays...although they kind lost..but Simeone won!! As for my performance- ehhhh not so hot- i lost yet again..I think i'm like 0 for 27 so far but i still feel like I'll have my moment of glory....My frustrations started within the first half hour there and stuck with me the whole time...im still pretty pissed off about it. Let me explain,  i brought some quarters to drop in the slots..and not just any slots- wheel of fortune- my slot of choice. So i see 3 machines not in use, its rare cuz everyone loves to spin the wheel, so i pick the 1 right in the middle. I start playing and with every quarter i drop the anticipation gets bigger...then an elderly lady comes and sits to my right. Side bar: Why do old people gamble anyway- their prime is behind them.. they should be knitting blankets and baking cookies. Gambling isn't an efficient way for old people to use their money.  Social security isn't much these days. But anyway- within 3 pulls of the machine granny wins 2700 quarters!!! I was happy for her at first but as the music continued to play and the quarters started accumulating- i got more and more pissed. That could have been me, damn it!!! I was gonna football tackle her and run away but i held it together. I just wanna win once, i wanna hit the jackpot...i don't care if it isn't millions- i'd be satisfied with $350 or better...just something to make the trip feel like a success. But the Lord just won't allow it. He likes to dangle that carrot in front of me but he'd rather see me starve than take a bite of happiness. Freekin God, and freekin damn dirty filthy Slots!

Wellthats all for now- i know this 1 is kinda short entry but i gotta get ready for "the craziest night of the year"...I'll see u all soon... Have a happy and healthy holiday and enjoy the bird.

Welcome to the Suck

"Welcome to the suck". Those of you who saw the movie jarhead probably recognize that quote, but for me it holds a very special meaning. Those words speak volumes. That little montra will be printed on my "welcome mat" as kind of a warning to all those who dont know the hell that lies behinds that door. It could also be the title of my autobiography or the soundtrack to my life. Obviously i'm not serious, but i sometimes feel the need to explain that.  I've noticed these little editorials are getting more and more depressing and i dont want people thinking that i'm like 1 spam email away from going over the edge...i'm sane- i swear. If u know me you realize that i'm the happiest s.ob. this side of the looney bin. I just seem to focus on the stuff that bothers me as sort of an emotional release. Don't judge me...we all have our quirks. Anyway lets try and stay positive today- onto bigger and beeter things.  

And what's bigger and better than Atlantic City? If you said Vegas or Cancun ur probably right but -ur ruining my point..i'm going back to Jersey, the sunshine state- (some1 double check that for me)! I know i was just there 2 weeks ago but what can i say? The Donald is calling my name, so I'm loading up the pockets with all the loose change i can find and im heading back there Saturday. Again, i kid, i keeed. Im not going because i'm a degenerate gambler although that doesn't help.... The big reason is b/c it's Gina's birthday (and Brad's too- his was Weds).  So hopefully mike comes too otherwise...i'l be third wheelin' it all the way to AC with Brad and Gina. It's not like i haven't done that before though...whatever I'm looking forward to it.  

I haven't told my parents i'm going to AC yet though. My communication with my parents is very limited...it's sad but it's really the only thing that keeps me from rockin a straight jacket. For some reason telling my parents things is like planning a war. I have to be very methodical with how and when i drop the bomb. I'm not one of those people who can't wait to move out- i like my house and i like not paying for things..i'm not stupid. Now is the time to prepare for the future- not start it. And don't get it twisted either- i do help out when i can. I go food shopping and do some shizzle around the house. But what i hate is that everytime i step footin the house after a rather long day of work and traffic (i know its not too bad of a commute..but their is traffic) my dad is right there asking annoying questions about my day. I need some time to unwind, atleast a second. I need privacy- i need some friggen oxygen. Not only that, but i dont like talking about how my day at work went...For me its another day another dollar. You think he'd understand that- but he doesn't and he gets PISSED...It's like when your parents used to ask you how ur day at school went..you always said "fine" and that was it...actually i always said that and assumed it was like that in every family...that is every family not named Mirenda lol. But i never said, "oh school was great, i learned this, this and this..." Thats not my steez- and it never will be. You're lucky if u get more than 2 words out of me on a subjected im excited about... but my family doesnt see that. They ask me to talk for hours like Larry King or something.  

 I'm really pissed off at myself (i know i said i wasnt going down this route but consider this a slight detour). I wanted to go to Chili's yesterday to see my old boss Michelle. She hasnt been out with the old S-t-s crew since she became pregnant. So it was kind of a big deal. But like an asshole i went to lay down for a bit  before getting ready and before u know it, i was out like a fuckin light. I slept right through phone calls and everything. I woke up this morning so pissed off. I went in the bathroom and staired at myself with hate in my eyes. I know its not the end of the world, and i'm sure she wasn't upset at me but i would have wanted to be there- atleast for an hour or so just to say hi and tell her that i miss workin with her. I'm still kinda pissed actually (its 12:33 pm- im writing this during my lunch break cuz i dont know if i'll have time to write 1 later tonite).

   Last weekend i got a Case of the Ex. To be totally honest...i'm not really sure what that means, i just know i heard it in a song or somewhere. Let me explain what i want it to mean... Last weekend I went to go pick up some pictures from my local convenient store, CVS. For years i avoided CVS like it was a shark filled ocean. Even though its like not even 3 minutes away, and couldnt be more convenient....i always feared of getting caught in an awkward confrontation/conversation.But now I likegoing to CVS..pretty much everyone from high school has moved on so it's safe to go back in the waters..Now adays the only one i see from time to time is Mike Levy and he's good people. He keeps the convos quick and painless, plus hes looking to leave too. So anyway, there i was picking up some pictures when all of a sudden i see my ex girlfriend's best friend (i had not counted on seeing her). She also works their but in the pharmacy section. So i said hello and we had a 5 minute chat...not bad..she seemed excited to see me but i'll never understand why....so if that wasn't excitement enough. I then went food shopping and i bumped into my ex's little sister and grandma. Oh and by the way- i couldnt have looked more unpresentable if i took an axe to my face. I had a  thick beard and was wearing crusty clothes...i looked like a homeless chuck norris. but in my own defense, its the weekend- i dont go style, i go comfy. It's what i do...They were probably like- "oh wow, mike looks like he's gone to hell since he broke up with Jen"...but whateves...let them think that...the fact is i was in hell way before i broke up with her. But anyway back to the story-These convos were of course, then followed up by a phone call with Jen where we caught up a little bit....I was reminded of the past, both- the good and the bad times...we then spoke again the next day online briefly. Its not a reunion, just more of touching base. I dont see things ever being the way they were between us- we've reached the point of no return. But their is no ill will there. Atleast not on my side- u never no with chix...and that basically concludes the Case of the ex.

Let me end this journal with a brief commentary on Eddie Guererro. For those of you who don't know him- he was a wrestler that died earlier this week due to heart failure. I obviously didnt know him personally but like with every wrestler that enters the WWE, i let them into my home every week- so i kinda feel like i know them a little bit. Like i said I used to watch him every week on TV..i followed his career for years..I saw him rise from a mid carder to a main event caliber wrestler...his transformation was joy to watch but now i unfortunately dont have that luxury. I'll be the first to admit i though, I wasn't the biggest Eddie Guererro fan but their was no denying his abilities in the ring and on the mic. He had a love for wrestling that was obvious to anyone who watched him. He gave the crowd a show and was always entertaing. I have a great deal of respect and admiration for him and even though his death was proably due too his own ignorance- via drugs, alcohol, and/or steriods- its still a tragedy. Viva La Razzza.

VIEWER MAIL

By now you're all familiar with why i started this journal, so i'll spare u the history lesson. I know their is nothing more boring than hearing the same stories over and over again. My grandfather loves to tell me the story of how he "watched the fights last night"- everytime i see him its a different fight but ironically enough the same story. By the end of the night he's snoring on the couch which leads me to believe that he only says that story to bore himself to sleep. But anyway, at the risk of boring you guys with some repittion....here we go....when i started this mama jamma, i only knew of a couple of people that actually took the time to read it. It was kinda like top secret shit, i remember describing it as "like fight club." (BTW- u know ur a loser when u start to quote urself)... i liked a small audience b/c i knew i didnt have to tip toe around border line contovercial subjects. I could shoot from the hip, tell it like it is, bite the bullet or whatever 1960's expression u wanna use. I didnt sugar coat anything and i spoke about whatever i wanted no matter how embarassing or evil they may have sounded. That's kinda why I didnt promote it. You never saw an e-mail with the link and i never  threw it on my away message. I simply created a link somewhere and had people find it on their own. If they liked it great, if not- even better. But now it seems like the secret is out. I've assembled a small army of viewers. Ehh, maybe thats the wrong choice of words- What army, besides the Swiss, is in the high single digits? it may seem humorous to u guys but its a significant amount for me.  I dont have 100 people on my buddy list, i have a fraction of that. To make a long story short, basically all im saying is that i didnt know how may people wasted part of their days reading this. I'm still gonna try and be as truthful as i can, i just hope u guys enjoy readin it.

So with all that being said i'm going in a different route today. The Talk Soup route, b/c I'm taking the time to answer some viewer mail. That's right kiddies, we are going interactive today. I'm not gonna name names but i'm going to retort or some of the comments that have been said about me or to me. Are u ready cuz here we go....

Topic 1- I'm "too hard" on myself...I'm not gonna spend too muych time on this topic b/c i feel its rather stupid. i write how i feel, if i'm depressed mywritting is going to come off that way. Sometimes i say things in jest and arent meant to be taken literally..but i'll grant u one thing my self esteem was never high to begin with. It's a genetic defect like down syndrome...i'm just ugly on the inside..which is a perfect segway for topic 2.... 

Topic 2- Apparently  i'm "gong to hell" for some of the stuff i wrote...I really didnt get an exact quote on what he or she was referring to but it could have been my love for snipers, feelings on suicide, or maybe my haterd for "my arch nemisis"...All decent points however i think i have a better counterpoint.... I'm not going to say i was only kidding with some of the stuff i say cuz theirs always that 1 person who says "with every joke their is some truth to it" and i do agree with that...kind of, i alluded to it before....but my main counterpoint is....I was voted nicest to know in high school lol j/k. Although i do feel, if i'm going to hell- im going to see all of you bastards there eventually!!! (God forbid)...Truthfully, I'm not going to hell. I think the Lord owes that to me. I've taken too much of people's shit not to get a free pass into heaven. I'm telling you right now if i am in Hell it's b/c heaven was too cold and i wanted to get some heat....  I really feel that I live my life in a very decent manner. For example, I dont get road rage, I say god bless you when people sneeze,  and i don't give store employees attitudes when somethings not in stock. The bottom line is I try and be as pollite as possible towards my fellow species. If everyone lived that way- i think this world would be a much better place. A lot of people do much worse than what  i say/write. Their is a big difference between wishing somone was "shot in the face with a bazooka" than actually going out and doing it. I'm not a do-er, i don't even do the dew. I'm a paper warrior but a human punching bag..and if God doesn't reward me for that..their is going to be trouble...I mean really- if i wind up in the same place as dirtbags and rapists- I'm gonna be pretty damn pissed..too bad i wont be able to write abut it.

Topic 3- I guess people thought i was kidding when i said i dont want love advice...yeah- kinda not kidding....in fact i couldnt be more serious if i was howard stern (get it sirius?.ehhh??). If i wanted advice i'd ask Dear Abby or Dr. Ruth Brothers...on second thought- no i wouldnt...and can we talk bout them for a second. Obviously i'm not old enough to know what they looked like when they were young. I hope to hell they were attractive otherwise it makes their jobs even less credible, but take it from me...people who write long drawn out pieces of literature every week are not experts in love their not experts on anything. If anything they are the loneliest people in the world. I'm living proof....But back to my original point, I dont want to get hooked up with a friend of urs, a sister or anyone. The fact is I had my eyes on someone who i deemed as special,  it didnt happen and that's it...I'll live and i'll probably love again....although i'm not too optimistic about that. But i have found a way too embrace being single..i would even venture to say that being unattached is proably the best thing for me. Why? well its not the fact that i'm home again on a friday nite but b/c I get to save some money and create a nice little nest for the future...I know real estate and engagement rings are expensive so i'd like to be able to have something for the future. I' m a planner...thats what i'm about. My new years resolution/year plan was to graduate from college, get a job and get a g/f....2 out of 3 aint bad. But I'm not saying my eyes are closed to love but my ears are. I dont want any advice/help...I'll do it my way and i'm sure one day it'll all click together...hows that for optimism.

The last and final topic is Myspace.... Holy shit has this thing taken off or what? People have suggested that i "join" which right there kinda turns me off. I dont wanna "join" anything... unless its the Jessica Alba fan club. The whole concept of me being part of a large network of people looking for new friends is the complete antithesis of what i've been preaching all these years. Its very similar to a Catholic priest giving a hand job to a gay man while reading the koran...I dont wanna meet new people- i'm already trying to avoid people i know. Besides as it is i spend way too much time online and from what i've seen..myspace is an addiction. And this goes for all u facebookers too- its all the same shit...but i dont wanna piss all over ur parade b/c i understand it. I'm not gonna lie i've logged on under my friends name and i checked it out- i can see what the buzz is about. Plus i know dating is tough- its like a desert out there. So if u wanna try this- good for u- best of luck to u. But-I just dont want throw my picture up there and be part of the madness..Every guy has the same picture. They just did 100 push ups and then run to the camera and snap a quick "check me out" pic...The girls always try and be sexy and their is always that 1 mirror shot with the flash on.  In my humble opinion Myspace is a fad, it's the modern day snap-bracelet or the tail..remember that god awful thing??- In fourth grade the back of everyone's heads looked like a Billy Ray Sirus concert..but thats all it is to me and i dont wanna get rapped up in it.

Got My Mind Right

Got my mind right, money right,  ready for war- AC was MURDAAAAAAAAA! hahaha financially it was murder but atleast i got my mind right. Still..if i was black i'd have to say "the trip be fuckin' off the chains, know what im sayin', poppin' like u know what im sayin', for real fo sure."...eh  know what i'm saying?

First things first. I just skimmed my last couple of entries and i am actually pretty damn embarassed. I feel as if i was acting like an over-dramatic bitch about my whole situation, but thankfully i think i finally got my head screwed on straight. Whatever happens, happens and that's it. That's my newly adopted philosophy... its comforting...kinda like a best friend . But unlike any adpted person i ever met, i love my new friend. I really do feel 10 times better about life right now.  Several things helped contributed to my realization, but i have to say the main contributing factor would have to be my short but insanely enjoyable weekend in AC. It was without a doubt the best weekend get away i've had in years....which isn't saying much considering i'm home more than an elderly lady on bed rest ... but I mean it, it was a hella good time. To illustrate my point, I was on the 40th floor and never once did i think about a suicide jump, so you know i was ok. (i've been on step stools before and planned my death route).

My faithful readers know better than anyone how stressed i was, but while i was away i didnt think about it once. Their is always stuff going on there- i know NYC is called the "city that never sleeps" but i think AC deserves that title. We were eating a buffet at like 4 in the morning- right before we went to bed. NyC is also called the melting pot but i think Ac also shares that title. Their is a wide variety of people in AC. You can be sitting next to a rich man in expensive suits and across from a bum with duct tape across his sleeves. Next time i go im wearing the whackiest outfit i can find cuz no1 cares!!! I think NYC should stick with its lesser known title of "the city thats grimier than a homeless man's balls." Atlantic City is grimey too but atleast the casinos are nice to look at...and they have security. I am very proud to call myself a New Yawker, dont get me wrong... and I enjoy an occasional visit into the city, but when i walk the city streets i got my wallet in 1 hand and my hammer in the other. It's a jungle out there. AC, or atleast the board walk, isnt nearly as bad.. it's busy and fast paced but its also got a calmness to it. Thats really what i went for. i like to gamble but more than anything i wanna relax and thats what AC is all about.  The trip is hard to sum up in a paragraph but i'll do it the best i can.

The trip:  I couldn't sleep much friday nite- (still havent for that matter) i was like a 4 years old on christmas eve filled with anxious anticipation for what was ahead. Scott came to pick me up at 10am but i was ready at like 8. We both were so psyched to leave long island and return to the tables.  When we fianlly arrived we met up with James..and he lead us to our room where Wildes and his friend tara were....(They had already arrived on friday). As everyone knows i dont make friends easy- so i wasn't sure about this chick but, within i'd say 8 seconds i knew this girl was cool...i'll get into that later though... So after we got settled we all walked the board walk to get our $1 pizza and 75 cent hotdogs while listening to some homless guy sing his hit song "put the money in the bucket." i'm not gonna lie- he was pretty good. I'd rather listen to him than kanye waest.. but- i dont like to gawk at homeless people, even if they are performing. For some reason i get discusted by watching it. I feel that i'd personally prefer death than to publicly beg for money and i cant see how every1 else doesnt share that same belief. So i made my way over to the other side of the board walk and waited for everyone else. Once he was done we then kinda all went our own ways and did the gambling thing. I saw the poker room and it was packed tighter than my luggage..that freaks me out. I like a dead room, i feel like too much could go wrong in a busy room. So i decided to hit the slots and baby i hit 'em hard. I, accompanied by tara, played wheel of fortune- my slot of choice. I won 125 bucks quick but little by little i gave it all back. Once we finished slottin it up, we then went back to the room and watched old school. Later that night we went to the showboat and entered a 50 dollar tournament. It was atleast an 80 man tournament (8 tables...10 people a table). I hate tourney's cuz it takes an aggressive person to win and im not that guy but i did pretty well...i lasted about 5hrs and placed 18th. Eight awayfrom the money. I'm more than pleased with that performance. Other than that it was a series of highs and lows for me. Won some, lost more, in the end i dropped a couple of bills but it was well worth it. i had a blast!! James and Scott each won a $500 tournament but no-one was a big winner.

 The reason it was so much fun was definately cuz of the group. Of course i wish all my friends made the trip, but i wouldnt substitute anyone. I was grinning like an idiot the whole time b/c of the shananagins that wildes, james and scott were doing. And that girl tara was a freakin gamer.... She didnt drag the trip down at all, besides that she was a good person...reminded me of myself...i know thats kind of a self compliment but its true. In fact, i've never met anyone i've had more in common with in my life. We even baught the same dinky 4.99 camera from CVS. She was like a fun, female version of me...I'm reminded of that seinfeld where he dates his female/bizzaro version....just we werent dating ...and i'm not funny....i guess its nothing like it.

But thats it- it was a great time. Just what the doctor ordered. We had fun and held nothing back..except Stewie who is freazing his balls off right now. An inside joke for those who were there, but not a funny 1 so dont feel left out...I really didnt wanna leave AC but unfortantely we had to. Hopefully we'll all go back soon.

Pathetic Weekly

I've been debating about what to write about. Do I elaborate on my past 2 entries and go deeper into my emotions or do i go back to the old style, a style in which i'm much more comfortable with. The choice is rather obvious i suppose. I hate to leave you guys hangin, but to be honest- i just dont want to think about things anymore. I have had more deep thoughts than Jack Handy lately and i'll give u a little insight..it didnt help. Like i said before, i dont have any bad feelings toward anyone other than myself.

It would've been a Meg Ryan marathon weekend, but instead of letting my mangina get the best of me, i'm gonna man up. I'm heading down to Atlantic city tomorrow to throw my money away. It's probably not the best choice for a weekend get away but i don't care, it's certainly better than staying home and listening to a mix tape. Dr Nyer perscribed this for me and it's doctor's orders.

Speaking of doctors....I woke up a week ago glowing and not in a good way. I was literally glowing- like rudolph. My nose had grown several inches and was redder than the ass cheeks of naughty little boy....A familiar problem as God likes to slip me the finger every so often....And  after trying several different remedies to no avail...I went to my local indian pharmisist and he's said (in broken english) that it's not a pimple but rather "a severe skin irritation". He said that its possible i got it from wearing a mask on halloween, i dont think so, but who knows..my snout hasn't been the same since bert's party. But anyway- this med school graduate tells me the best thing for it is let it breathe. no cream, no cover up lotion- nothing, just further humiliation for another week or so.

I know i dont have to tell you all how pathetic i am.. you guys already know it. I wrote the book on the subject, in fact ur actually subscibers to "Pathetic Weekly". Let's be honest- these journals are toungue and cheek but any1 can write them. The reason why no1 does is b/c they have lives...perhaps not the most exciting lives, but lives none the less. I dont have that luxury. I sit on the computer and write blurbs- thats my life and when im not writting them im thinking about what to write...pathetic.  But anyway, i'm going to give u another example of pathetic just incase u were unclear on the definition..(this is for no other reason than to motivate me to eaither change my life or end it)...Pathetic is driving home in bumber to bumber traffic and sweating like an animal. Then rolling down the windows to get some air...then forgetting the windows are rolled down and bursting out singing a song by O-town (which is on a mix tape that u had made for some1 that u dont even tlak to anymore). Yeah..thats pathetic..whats worse is i realized the windows were open in mid song and i kept going cuz i was too into the song to stop. Luckily it was an older lady in the car next to me who didnt seem fazed...i eventually put on some ruff ryders and dmx to try and instill some dignity in myself but i wasnt fooling any1.

At canon, things are status-quo. I found a fun hobby though, somethign to do during my lunch break.  I go outside and sit in my car and eat my lunch and watch as  chinese man comes out and smokes a cigarette. and thats it. It's so much fun for me!! He alwasy looks like he's repulsed by every puff, but its just his chinese face. With that being said i guess its no shocker that i don't have any friends yet, but its kinda hard to approach people when u know u have a red laser beem on the end of ur nose..but i do say hello and goodbye to people so i think eventaully i may have a converstaion with them. Again i know its sad but thats the way i opperate...like in school i'd sit in the back of the classroom and not say shit for months. I went semesters without saying a word. I'm a phantom. I'd maybe say hello and goodbye to some people and always laugh if some1 said something funny but i'd never start a converstation with any1...however if some1 broke a pencil or needed a calculater or something- i was johnny on the spot. My whole college interaction revolved around pens running out of ink. But then again who doesnt love "pencil boy." The day of a big test ur pencil breaks- you love to see this face. Nobody called me pencil boy, but thats who i was, that was my in. It was only when i got paired with people via the teachers request did i have full converstations with my peers, but as a result i met some really cool kids. I think its a self esteem issue but i'll save that for when im on the couch in a few years.

Aight thats it for now i gotta get my rest for tomorrow...