Sorrry, we're closed

As they say, all good things must come to an end. And my dear friends, the end is near.

Yesterday I got an email from AOL saying it will be pulling the plug on Hometown and Journal pages effective 10/31.
Unless AOL figures out a way to transfer all the entries, the journey is officially over.

I know a few people enjoyed reading the entries, and for you guys I am truly sorry. I enjoyed writing it probably more than you did reading it.  I considered my writing to be my own mental work out, exercising all my emotions. I was able to consistently relieve weights off of my shoulders, get things off my chest, and  sometimes mistakenly, talk in circles. There were some casualties/backlash, but more than anything, good times. I am not foolish enough to think people will be deeply saddened by this. It's not as grandiose as the closing of Yankee Stadium or even Shae. It is however the closing of a small chapter in a boring, go nowhere book...which for some reason captivated an audience.

It was getting harder and harder to find the time to write though, so maybe its best to hang up the mouse pad. I am sure I will succumb to temptation and enter a blog entry or 2 on my myspace, or send out an email similar to that of the Jamie Collum one, a few years ago. Or, I guess I can sit in a warm bubble bath and type philosophical text messages, but it wouldn't be my style nor would it be a decent substitute.

....it's been a good run. An even better journey. Thank you for listening.

Sucks and the Shitty

 I saw the "Sex and the City" preview last night and I would like to take the time to offer a fair and impartial review from the male perspecitve. If you do intend to see the movie you may not wish to read on as I will be providing some spoilers as I critique this 2 and a hour hour love saga and the entire cast of characters.

 

For those of you that don't know, the Sex and the City movie is based off of the HBO original series. Little known fact, the original name for the show was supposed to be "Celebrity Mole" obviously referring to the 2 huge growths on Kim Catrell and Sarah Jessica Parker's face, but ABC already had the rights to the name and so Sex and the City was born. The show is about a friendship between 4 middle to upper aged women and their lives in NYC.

 

I have to confess I used to watch the series when it first came on TV. A show with such a provacative name on a cable station that pumps out more hits than Springstien was enticing to me. But as I watched each week I was more and more disappointed. I gave up on the show within it's first season. However I would watch occassionally due to all the hype around it, just to see if i had made a mistake. I never quite understood the appeal though, so last night I watched the movie with the hopes of finally understanding... and after 2 and a half hours I can honestly say I now understand.... Women just do not know what comedy is.

 

In all fairness, the movie was not awful. It was easy to follow and you didnt need to watch every episode to get it....which is a good thing. If you liked the movie "baby mama".. you will most likely love this flick. It obviously caters towards women, but the humor (and I use the term loosely) is all focused around shoes, closet space and cheezy 1 liners. The funniest part revolved around the always funny poop in the pants scene. But as I mentioned its 2 and a half hours, so if you think the show was slow moving... dont watch the movie... every second feels like an eternity. On the flip side though, if you liked the show you should see it.. and then adopt a monkey... b/c your life sucks.

 

Sarah Jessica Parker / Carrie Bradshaw- "SJP has a face like a foot" was a line that I think originally stemmed from Family Guy and I couldnt help think that throughout the entire movie. Her charcater is supposed to be a style icon, but from the guy perspective, I don't really see it... your gonna need more than a stylish hat to dress up a face that looks like Seabiscuit. Gina said she was voted the 2nd ugliest woman in Hollywood, I'm guessing she falls only to Roseanne Barr. But anyway, in the movie her character grossly over reacts to her future husband's cold feet and the whole movie is about her picking up the pieces with the help of some good friends, and some hackneyed humor. Eventually she does get married and the story book is complete.

"

Mr. Big" - As I think I made pretty clear, I don't find SJP to be pretty. But I dont think he is anything to look at either... so it's kind of a believable pairing. I like his character though and I think he would have had every right to not take her back. Of course that isnt the case b/c otherwise it wouldnt be a chick flick... it be believable.

 

Jennifer Hudson- has a body like Ernie Hudson.

 

Miranda- I think if i were to relate to any character on the show... it would be her. She is boring, methodical, hairy and lesbionic. She is also unforgiving, and has kind of a harsh attitude at times. Aside from the red hair she sounds like me, oddly enough I hate her though.

 

Kim Catrell / Samantha - I don't get this character at all. Most girls think that if a girl is with 2 guys in 1 year they are sluts.... but then why is this character so beloved? Not to mentuin she's got a deep voice that goes with her deep throught. Plus in the movie she is 50 years old (god only knows about real life). She should be shopping for a caufiin not a flower shaped diamond ring. Plus the break up at the end with her and her b/f was so unbelievable. Bad language and violence is enevitable with break ups over 2 years... anything less is bulder-dash.

 

Charolotte - The best of the worst. She is the only girl I could actually see being friends with. She is really sweet, why she is friends with the others is beyond me.

 

Overall the movie was lack luster. I felt it dragged at (all) times. I liked Jennifer Hudson's character but I am not sure how true to life that would be. I feel like they just added that character to try and reach another demographic. Like I said it wasn't the worst movie I saw- but I recommend Sarah Marshall or Iron Man over this one.. but I am a guy... what do I know.

Summer, summer, summer time.

 It's just about that time of year again....

And like every summer, I have the dubious honor of labeling the season. Unfortunately the obvious names have already been used so I had to drill a bit deeper for this year's title. For this year I wanted a name that encumpasses an abundance of fun activities, but I want it to also have an element of danger to it... because as I remember that was the key to last year's phenominal summer (Summer of Sin). So after a minute of deep thinking, I was able to come up with a new title... Drum roll please.....

This years summmer is........: The Summer of STD....

Or its longer title...The Summer of "Something To Do".

I know it's not as flashy as prior years. and it might take some getting used to... but I think it's a fitting title.

I dont think any of us have any big plans, but I do want to keep myself busy and if something unexpected happens, it happens.....

I have created a small list of summer activities and I hope too keep adding more to the list.

If you got any suggestions or are interested in these, let me know.

Things to do:

- Boston / Cape Cod

- Rafting

- Riding to the beach (continuously)

- Fishing

- Yankee Stadium Tour / Yankee baseball

- Mets game (final season)

- Beach days

- Mountain Creek

- Jets Training Camp

Maybes:

- Summer Concert (Beach Boys if they play?)

- Beer Garden

- Hawaii (really wishful thinking)

...and when the smoke clears.

Aside from looking like a 25 year old version of the principal from "Back to The Future", I don't feel like I am getting older. Sure, I can't run around for hours like I used to, or fit into my old school velcro sneakers, but I still feel young at heart....However, after needing a whole weeknd to recover from an overnight trip to Atlantic City, I can tell I am not as youthful as I used to be. In all fairness though, I think this was the best trip since the original. Filled with laughs, shennanigans, and bafoonery.

 

For sake of nostalgia, let me try to summarize the trip: Myself, Bert, and Boye took the early train in. We left at about noon on a drizzly day. Jimmy was driving the ship and Bert and I were along for the ride. We seemingly made pretty good time, only hititng a small patch of traffic. Once in AC, we decided to hit up the AC Bar and Grill, which has become one of my favorite outside eateries. It probably equates to a local long island diner but in a place where money is tighter than Jon Contino's pants.. you learn to appreciate it. I had the mushroom pizza - for those of you wondering, ehhh- but I've certainly had worse. I was so hungry I could have eaten "a sadnwich from a gas station." : >

 

After eating, we hit the casino. We ran into the db formally known as "Shaolin". He along with the rest of MacArthur was there for the Sleshinger Fight. After a small "stop and chat" we dispersed, Boye hit the roulette table (where he was cleaning up) and Bert and I hit the slots. I had my usual zero luck, while Bert was managing to stay afloat. I tried to pace myself, knowing how easy it is to lose the whole bank roll in a matter of minutes. A couple drinks and a few twenties later we all met up again and decided to pre it up.. That was in essence the calm before the storm because once Tony, Scott, Brad and Mike Wildes arrived; things started to heat up.

 

Bert was a little loaded,and combine that with a riled up bunch of hooligans... that spells fun. Our room was turned upside down before we entered it. Bert somewhat provoked, somewhat not, started to show off the freak retard strength- by pushing every one in the room. Things got a little tense, when horseplay turned violent.. MFW landed a spinning back fist on Bertie.. but luckily cooler heads prevailed. The party then spilled back out to roulette table as everyone (except me and boye) put a hundo on black and won. More gambling ensued for the remainder of the evening, between there the poker room, black jack tables and video poker/slots. I then decided to rock the Casbah for a few, just to see what the hooplah was all about. I had a decent time in there but the real fun came soon after.

 

We all headed up to the rooms, all but MFW (who aside from the Shonie Carter impression, wasn't in the room all night.,,,living up to the title "Mike Fuckin Wildes"). In the room we tried to get some shut eye- but no1 could sleep. Between girls gone wild promos, Bert's limburger cheese feet, and everyone's fear of pranks no-one was ready to call it a night. We then got notice that Brad had "fallen asleep" in the other room. Once we got in the room, we saw some "smoke" and a "smoke detector" started to go off... a real elaborate scheme. Me, brad and bert left the room for safety, every1 else stayed in. Part 2 of the scheme had every1 found face down dead lol. After that prank we all attempted to sleep once again, but the fog machne made its way into our room and more "smoke" filled our room.

 

So much smoke that the real alarm went off! And let me tell you that shit is loud. We tried to muffle it, fan it, take it off- but it wouldnt stop. ..soon Security made its way to the room...The name tag said Ulyssis but he called himself "Mack". Luckily he had a sense of humor and after using our facilities, and once the smoke alarm stopped.. he went on his way. We then decided to play a trick on Tony who high tailed it, not only out of the room but all the way to the casino floor. We told him security kicked us out and the prank had a nice pay off as he grabbed the phone in cocnern only to find out no1 was on the other end.

 

I think i got like 40 mins of total sleep after that, even though I scored a whole bed to myself. It is impossible to wind down after a fun night like that. And to think I was considering not coming.

Gray skies are going to clear out...

After over a month of doom and gloom, I'm starting to turn the corner. And it's about time, things weren't looking good for quite a while. My house keeper was all set to call Mary-Kate Olsen. I'm just kidding, i don't really have a house keeper... but the situation was no joke... I was seriously getting concerned. I would just notice my bottom lip start to creep up and fold over, out of nowhere. I'd pout around the house, in private, and even at times at work. FYI- The puppy dog face might be cute when you're a kid, but isn't so cute when your a bald, 25 year old pencil pusher.

I spent hours (no joke) walking in my old foot steps. Alone with my thoughts... just me, the winter chill, and after a while, a security guard telling me to go home. I left in no better shape than when i started..which is disappointing b/c u would think I could have lost a few pounds...but more importantly- mentally i had no answers. It's hard to find the answers when you don't even know the questions.  I feel like I was doing all the right things, but I was saddled with the guilt of a serial killer. Its hard to explain, but to those that have been through it- they know what I'm talkin about.. its like you are on the right track, just on the wrong train.

I decided to try and make a few changes. I always try to improve myself, but after a while I fall back into the comfort zone. I was a stones throw away form making a HUGE change.... but much like my dream of becoming a pro wrestler.... it wasn't meant to be. I'm still flirting with making a power play... but we'll see what happens. For now I think i should just look into making summer vacation plans. i need something to look forward to.

I think the real catalyst for the mood change has been the weather. Spring fever is in full effect. It is almost miraculous what a little sunshine can do to one's spirits.  I decided to start walking during my lunch break to try and spice up my daily grind and I highly recommend it.

Speaking of recomending, I highly recomend the movie "Forgetting Sarah Marshall".  This movie is hilarious, the girls are hot, and besides all that..who doesnt love a good puppet show? Best movie since Juno.

Every so often I get into a rut. I wake up with a frown and like a bad case of herpes I can't seem to shake it. I know i've written about it thousands of times before, but once again its back... I don't know how, why, and when it happens, its just a cycle that has continued from even my earliest of days.

I've given up trying to find answers, I just accept it as part of my dimented DNA. So in attempt to improve, i've been trying to surround myself with things that make me happy...food,  music, yankee baseball.... but so far-  balls. I've secluded myself from the rest of civilization in an attempt to de-funkify myself. I know being around a downer isn't fun so im doing my damn-dest to chipper up.

Anyway, on Friday my buddy from Canon sent over a goodbye email. I was really shocked by it. I hadn't seen him much since he transferred to another position about 1.5 years ago. He was a smart, self motivated employee. But above all us, he was a good friend. I'd look forward to christmas parties and other staff meetings in which I knew I could catch up with him. There was a time when I went to him for advice and he went above and beyond to help me out. So i'm gonna mis him... but thats also got me thinking about my current positoin and maybe its time for me to start making some changes. Finally take the GMATS, get back to school... get a new job... who knows..

One certain change is my home life. My brother will be getting out soon. and i say that like its a prison here, and at times it is, but for the most part it isnt too bad. Anyway, Frank is gettin married  in June and then he's peacing out. I think hes not going too far which is good news for me b/c I might need to somwehere to stay. Plus papa Cats is retiring sooner rather than later (also in June) so i have begun casually apartment shopping. It would kill me to get an apartment but I think i'd be happier with a change of scenery. It's another who knows.

Shuffle

Not to get all philiosophical in the '08, but  life really does equate to a game of cards.  As they say, "You've got to know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em."...and even more so, you got to know when to leave the table.  I think I've proven that my decision making skills are worse than Michael Vick's. I stay to the bitter end, playing the short stack like it's my life support .  I'm truely the pathetic gambler, or the sucker.

In every aspect of life, thats my major down fall. I can't get out in time. I can't get out on top. I'm not smart enough to see the "Kansas City Shuffle" until it's too late. But i think last night, I kind of saw the writing on the wall. As Billy Joel sang, "Say goodybe to Hollywood."  Changes are forth coming. It's time to shuffle up and re-deal. Clean slate in '08.

A huge thank you to Tony and Meg, for doing SOMETHING last night. And not only doing something, but for inviting me and making it fun. I can honestly say that I had a great time, and i didn't want to be any where else. PLUS, we got a crazy hook up. We were downin drinks like drunken sailors. We guestimate at least 10 shots each, plus jack and cokes, Miller lights, bud lights, food and of course the bubbly...and then the ball dropped, and we drank some more. hahaha. GOOD TIMES.

Next Friday I think I'm going to go into the city for an "inexpensive" night of drinking with the Canon kids. I'm throwing it out there to any1 interested, but I really don't expect any1 of you guys to come. It should be cool  though, the people that are going are really  fun people and drunks!! It'll be nice to kick back and throw a few back with them.

25 to Life

Two years ago, I recall using the monicor "big things in '06"  with huge optimism.... and that def. foreshadowed a horrific begining to a year which i still want to forget. I either learned my lesson or I was just too scared to be optimistic to start this past year. So to begin 2007, i didnt do my normal hype. I kept it low key, like Tim Allen's carear...I didn't write out my expectations for the new year and I didnt want to reflect on "ohhh 6". In retrospect maybe I should have, but '06 was so shitty for me that I didn't want to set the bar, I just kind of wanted to limbo my way through the year.  

People always say that good things happen when you least expect it.. and i really wasnt expecting much for 2007.  However, as the year chugged along, I rarely felt overwhelmed. You can just scroll down and see that i havent really written much in the past 12 months..and knowing that i basically use this forum solely to vent- that's a good thing. So overall 2007 was a pretty good year for me. Even though I don't think I achieved ANY of my goals, I feel I made a lot of good decisions which are significant building blocks towards the future.

Highlights/memories of 2007: My first promotion, Sumer of Sin- Las Vegas, Bert's party (BP CHAMPS! ...and steven jackson), trip to Chicago, "see you at the hoover dam", Kara's graduation/Sim's birthday (long beach, mets' game, Nutty), 4th of July at Raquel's, Shuffle Board, 1st Monday night football, The historic Giants game, Mountain Creek, Happy Hour, Red Lobster, Christmas Party, Scavanger hunt, Haunted Hayride trip, Wiz of Oz,  Old Westbury Radio, Thanksgiving, Victorious sports weekend.

Now that I'm 25 this is it. I dont really feel I have a lot of time to waste anymore. So with 2008 around the corner, i dont want to say "big things"... but I do hope for a little bit better. In a lot of cases, I know what has to be done, its just a matter of doing it. '08 represents a fresh start. A year which is more wide open than the legs of 1 of the Spears' sisters. 

When Im here alone and ur there at home, hello

In the words of Neil Diamond, "hello, my friend, hello".

It's been a lilttle while since I stepped up to the mic. I think i have had a long case of writer's block which is kind of pathetic considering this forum is about anything and everything. I guess I've just been waiting for a muse or that stick of dynamite. But truth be told- I'm sick of waiting. So i figured i'd find my inner Forrester and "PUNCH THE KEYS".  And, since my life is like a well that has run dry.. let me start off with a little current events.

The Mall shooting in Omaha Nebraska

The police say this kid was depressed, so he decided take a rifle to the mall and do some skeet shooting. On his suicide note he said that he wanted to "go out in style".... Well, pardon me but I belive that mass killings haven't really been "in style" since the Hitler days.  Lets be honest, Hitler had consentration camps and gas chambers...you might not like it, but that shit's impressive. It wasn't just a kid with an oozie who was pissed b/c he didnt get teddy rucksbin for x-mas. .. No, Hitler was a short  grumpy muchkin with a Charlie Chaplan mustache that controled an army of mercanaries.  Kudos and hats off. I can't even get my friends to respond back to an e-vite, and Adolf Hitler has strangers killing Jews. Thats like some David Blaine shit.

But since Hitler it's been done to fucking death (pun intended). And done poorly too i might add. This most recent attempt is one of the saddest in history. Obviously this Napolean Dynamite looking bastard put zero thought into this. I mean if your going to go to the mall and kill people- why do it randomly?  Have a fucking purpose. Do the world a favor and kill the store greeters at the Gap, Express and Aeropastle .. or get the people that pass out flyers or the vendors that are always asking "can i ask you a questions." Bang, Bang, Bang... maybe then you'll make a god damn difference in the world. But no, this dopey fuck decides to pick out of a hat. and i keep calling him names, in part b/c i dont know his real name. Aside from those who knew him in real life and those that live in his town...his name will not be remembered. He migth be top story for a day, or in the papers for a month...but thats it. He won't be remembered. Look at that Chinese nut case that killed people at his school. If I remember correctly, he did have somewhat of a purpose.. he was mad at his ex girlfriend and he prob hated the school... so he went guns a blazing. But he atleast had the foresigth to know that no1 would remember his name. So he dubbed himself "Questionmark". which would have been the same answer if someone asked me today what his real name was. But the list goes on and on... does any1 know one of the guys from the Colombine shooting? I think I'm one of the few people that even remember the unibomber let alone his name (Ted Kazinsky). So people who do this to go out in style or to be famous aren't even smart enough to realize that nomatter what they do no1 will give a shit. They end up a punch line in most comedian's sets. So really  they are are leaving as even bigger jokes as they came in. sad but true.

And honestly I dont know how I feel about suicide. A lot of people call it the cowards way out..but is it? i think you have to have a lot of moxie to end your own life. That shit takes balls. Some people call it selfish and i def. understand that. leaveing your family and friends to grieve is def. in poor taste, but if your life is so fucked up and you feel that you cant take another second..who am I to judge. Maybe they really are "in a better place".

Moving on... I'm trying to get back to where i was a few months ago, maybe even a year ago. Back on my grind. Trying to get back to the gym, and trying to be a  better me in every way possible. It's a social experiment that usually last a couple months.. but lets see how it goes.

Weekdend bliss...

In marketing, you are always trying to hit your target audience or "target market". Those in the business world know that in order to adequately market your product, you really have to focus all your attention on that specified demographic. If you sucessfully reach your target audience and also develop other consumers, you know your product can potentially be very successful and lucrative.

I equate that philosophy with this journal. My target market was originally myself, but through time it has evolved..and i have developed quite a small colt fan base. Now i write journals with a new focus and new intent. In essense i've reclassified my product. I even have readers that i never knew i had which are "peeping" this blog for updates. This revelation has got me excited to Ron Jeremy proportions.  For that reason alone, I've  decide to dedicate my tueday night to a little late nite journey...

For starters...Let me just say how phenomenal my weekends have been lately. I don't know why...can't really put my finger on it..but I'm fucking TGIFing it every week. It could be b/c football season is in full swing, or it could be b/c I get to spend some quality time with Lynn, orrr perhaps happy hour with the canon kids, or maybe it could just be the late nite sha-bang with the fellas..whatever it is, bahda bah bah bah...im loving it.

My sundays are especially priceless..i get all the shit done on sat..the cleaners, the bank, food shopping, gas, Iaovorone, cleaning/washing cars, yada yada yada...and on sunday I do nothing but watch football and yell at my TV. It's quickly becoming my favorite past time, surpassing my old favorite..which involved lots and lots of lotion lol. I love just listening to the commentators and watchin the game- like its supposed to be watched. Not in crowded sports bar or room filled with annoying family members...alone on a couch/matress with the voice of boomer esiasan or greg gumbel... Next wknd Im venturing outside the comfort zone and trying to include lynn in some of my sunday fun...i think we all know how thats going to turn out though...

What else....  Oh for my records sake I need to document my memorable sports outing last friday nite... I not only dominated a game of arcade basketball at strike against 3 african americans...Caver, Lakesha and Tiffany, with an astounding 67 pt performance....but i then won in bowling, and then came home to beat Jimmy Boye at darts. Next sat...I'm bringing the streak to Bert's house for beer pong..where brad an i are already undefeated in sanctioned games. lol

Wow..i felt like i had so much to write and now i have nothing. to be continued...

The Sossy Truth

With Labor day wknd finishing up tomorrow, that will pretty much put a bow on the "Summer of Sin". As is the case every year, the intriguing label is an exaggerated version of the sadder truth... its kind of the big yearly joke that my life has become less dynamic than a tombstone..but it's fun to pretend that it's not. This summer wasn't exactly "sinful" especially when you take into account that I played shuffleboard more than most senior citizens... but truth be told I think the summer did live up to the title...

I accomplished so much this summer and had lots of fun. Going to Vegas was just the icing on the cake. But all and all this has probaly been the best summer in recent years. I feel like my schedule was packed tighter than the Presidents (or maybe not, but DEF. the Vice President- wtf does he do?) . I really owe a lot of thanks to my friends for that. Without them I probably would have lived my summer like a hermet crab. Sim and Boye have really been my summer saviors...always including me in their plans...even if its going to some low class pub to meet people from red lobster or driving around aimlessly just to salvage a night. I like quinns, but how many times can u have warm food and even warmer beer...its good to spice things up every so often. Boye and sim provided that for me...They have saved me from a slow and painful Nick at Nite death...or maybe even an Owen Wilson-esque moment.

But last nite was spent taking it all in. After a few frozen drinks with Sim City...I went to my "thinking spot" and tried to put everything into perspecive. I dont know if thats normal but its something that is becoming more and more common in my old age. My life, my relationship- lows, and my family...were the subjects dejour and nothing was off limits.  Adfter an hour or so of muttering to myself and mass debating, I walked out feelin' refreshed and tired. I dont know if it did me any good...but I want to think it did.

So with Bert's BBQ next wknd I think it''ll be the end of a long but enjoyable summer. Hopefully the goodtimes don't end and  they start to carry over...maybe the new season will kick up a notch with "the Truth" O'Malley....we'll see.

Normal Rant

Lynn once told me that I was the most normal guy she had ever met. I don't know why she said that, nor do I know if that's quite a compliment. (And to be honest, her saying that I'm normal is like Chris Benoit telling me that I'd be a good father). But whether it is a compliment or isn't, I'm not so sure I agree.

Perhaps I am "normal" in the traditional sense. I  have never had to battle a drug or alcohol problem, and I never found myself associated with a "dangerous" crowd. I stayed in school and learned  responsibility through real life situations.... I learned to budget my time and money and I was able to follow a straight path to the present.  That's my deal...(old school call back). Oh and I masterbate constantly lol.

But to me avoiding drugs, prison time, and an unplanned "bun in the over" doesn't seem to be too hard of a task.  Looking through my year book I'm sure I can find a few people that have fallen prey to at least 1, if not all 3 (cough Ariel cough) of the fore mentioned life deterrents..which is hard to explain considering they were the product of the same education and social system that i went through...but inevitably they choose to go down that road. One might assume that this could be a product of how they were raised. I personally believe some of that to be true.. and some, not so much.  I have been blessed to be part of a strong nuclear family which remains intact.  I think my momma raised me right, but I also think it's possible to over come shitty life situations. You just gotta power through it. I believe that when I become a daddy I'm going to handle my family differently than the way my father does... in the end people can define their own legacy.   The choice is yours, and its the choice of a new generation...

Perhaps my life journey wasn't as adventurous as the "abnormal", but I think I followed my own code of ethics... and doing the right thing isn't always the easiest....so props to me. But i still don't view myself as normal. I don't think "normal" people do constant self analysis'. I also don't think it's normal to be as anti-social and judgmental as I am. And I definitely KNOW its not normal for a mid 20 year old to be writing blogs and being unresponsive to phone calls. These are character flaws and everyone has them- but they aren't "normal".  I'm not even going to delve into my own personal inner demons which may be more abnormal than people could ever imagine. Basically, I've got more screws loose than that bridge in Minnesota.

But what is normal anyway? Normal and average are sometimes synonymous... and who the fuck strives to be average?...oh no not I.  Others may define normal- as without dysfunction.  But i think everyone deals with dysfunction in one way or another...even if its not caused by their own doing.  So i guess being normal would be the act of positively battling that dysfunction..or giving the illusion to others that they are not dysfunctional. ehhh- kinda weak. I don't think of normal as a magic track..plus if you have ever seen David Copperfield, David Blain or Chris Angel- they look anything but normal.

I think most people just regard normal as plain or simple. Being normal to most people is living a non complex life. Living a "normal" life doesn't get rewarded though. I think in most respects I am "on the level" but in today's world that isn't good enough. If i continue to work hard at my 9-5 and save my money it won't matter b/c I'll never get ahead. Lotto winners and celebrities aside, it seems like all the rich people have either inherited money or have gotten it through shady biz.  SO normal- isn't achieving greatness.
 
To me, normal is just a starting point, a ground zero... and in the end if you live your life as pure as when you were born into it,  I guess that's a good thing...

Inspiration

A year or so ago, I remember complaining about how I never had that 1 moment of clarity. In talking with 1 of my friends, he was able to recall a time in his life where everything clicked into place...Not me. I've had peaks of greatness and valleys of humility... but I've never had that 1 moment where everything just made sense...Today I still wait for that epiphany with bated breath, however I'm more hopeful today..than I was ever before.

On Friday of last week I was inspired by a woman who has done nothing but inspire me since I've met her. She's a consummate professional and model employee. The type of person I try and emulate, not only for her work ethic and behavior but for her morality and heart. Her name is Lucia and in terms of work, she's my everything. She's the 1 who recommended me for my current position and she's been my mentor ever since. She is sweet as sugar but at the same time she's all business...and I love that about her. In a Japanese company such as Canon, she positively represents the American worker in a way not often seen. She's smart, hard working and efficient- the triple threat of the business world.  On top of all that- she's a wonderful person. I could site numerous examples but I think its easier if you take my word for it..She's become a very close friend in a very short time.

...And friendship is not something I excel at. For those who call me "a friend", I  know it hasn't been easy. I usually don't return phone calls and I really don't initiate them either. I also maybe 1 of the few people who has lost more friends on "myspace" than he has gained - lol. I know I'm fucked up that way... its a combination of pride, respect, and social ineptness which has made me the person I am today. I make no apologies for it but i really do appreciate those who have stood by me and those who appreciate me in light of my flaws.

Anywayy.. I was inspired by Lucia. She told me a heart warming tale about her and her fiance that almost brought tears to my eyes. The moral of the story, was A+B= C. So in my case, what I'm lacking now (a girl friend, career direction, better social and carpentry skills) may all be resolved if I find the missing link...(maybe not the carpentry skills.) I used to get down on myself b/c my high school blue print is a lot different than what it is today.. metaphorically speaking, a lot of projects seem to have been delayed but as a result of lack of materials. Due to Lucia's help.. i don't carehow long it takes, as long as i reach the end result.

A Tale For The Ages..

If this seems familair..it is..

They say with age comes wisdom, well that might be true but I've also noticed that age also brings with it personality changes. For one, I am not as patient as I was say 5 or 6 years ago. My "old man" has a tendency to fly off the handle a little too often for my liking and he admittedly has lost his patience in his older years. So if I'm losing my patience now, I can't imagine myself in 20 years from now. My older brother never had any patience, so I really shutter to think what he'll be like. One thing is for certain, my kids are fucked!

On the other hand, I look at what pisses me off now and I wonder how i put up with it for so god damn long. I think i used to have the patience of saint and now I'm less forgiving and more into making people accountable for their actions.. For better or worse, thats how it is. For instance, my parents ask me to do shit and I just feel like I'm getting ass raped. Obviously I'm still living in their house (rent free) so I certainly should contribute and respect their rules..but I also tend to think that I should be allowed a little more libirties with my older status and full time occupation. I guess thats under their disgression but I'm becoming more cognant of it. It's also a matter of me not taking as much guff as I used to. At first I thought it was a phase..but the phase never ended..I no longer want to listen to 2 faced, double talk. Nore do I feel the need to entertain Stupidity, Immaturity, Gossip, Spite, and Nonsencical Bullshit .. thats low class high school shit. The only drama I want in my life are the ones in my DVD library. Everything else, "come what may" but I'm not going to constantly try and put out fires that are being started by the douche-bag next to me holding a blow torch and a gasoline can.  I just don't repect stuff like that.

And "respect" is something that has always been big with me...I guess its the Italian in me. The word "respect" in a lot of ways represents my reason for living. As you know, respect is gained and lost daily. I'm constantly trying to gain my own self respect by handling every situation with dignity and class. I hope that 1 day when people look back at me they will me view me in a similar manner, and by that,  respect me for what I stood for. But I feel like my self discipline seems to erode when I'm faced with a situation which I deem as rude, childish or blatently disrespectful. The situation seems to get the best of me and my mood is more volatile. I try and make the est of a bad situation, but my displeasure is obvious and visable to all.

All and all I know no-one is perfect.. and being the same age as alot of my friends, I see changes in them as well. I know I'm not alone in the process of self fulfillment. I guess for me, I'm just at an age where patience meets respect..

Chris Benoit

With every pro wrestler that dies, i always seem to get a little upset for obvious reasons. I know I dont know them on a personal level, and their passing by no means is as significant as that of a close friend, neighbor, or relative...However, growing up with wrestling figures, and watching them every week leads to some sort of unexplainable bond. They were my favorite friends and villians, they were my top celebrities, and in some cases they were my idols.

I could go through the long list of my fallen heroes that passed away prematuraly, but I'm pretty sure I've done that before and if I haven't you probably don't care anyway. BUT the death of Chris Benoit was certainly the most painful of them all.

He was without a doubt my favorite living wrestler. The guy was an intense athlete who wrestled every match like it was his last.. it's been said that he could wrestle a broomstick and put on a good show..and its true. Wrestling was his passion..it was"his mistress". Wrestling consumed his life...and I as a fan appreciated that passion. He always entertained me..and no matter who he was up against..I never felt like he didn't have a shot of winning. Yeah i know- wrestling is fake but some of the smaller guys wrestle the bigger guys and you just watch and shake your head thinking.."yeah like he could really win this fight in real life". But Benoit could fight God and I'd think he could win- because of his work ethic and his intensity..you always knew it was gonna be a good show. His no-nonsence, no gimmick persona eraned him the nicknames of the Canadian Crippler and The Rabid Wolverine.

With all that said, his alleged double murder-suicide of his family is absolutely horrific. I can't condone his actions- I don't see how anyone could. When i first found out the news- I was in disbelief and still today I hold out hope that some how, some way he is not to blame. I want him to be regarded as heroic, the same way I viewed him..But as more and more details leak out, i face the sad truth.

His wife was also kind of a big deal in the wrestling world, although she had been out of the spot light for a few years. Her alias was "Woman", and she met Benoit through a story line in WCW which involved her then husband..story mirrored real life and they got together. (Watching those interviews and matches- was a wresling fans nirvana- real life feelings and pot shots..it was amazing to see). But her passing also pains me...and to hear Bill O'Riely say that she should have seen the warning signs is outrageous..she is in no way shape or form to blame for anything. And then the 7 year old- thats the topper. I heard reports that he was part mentally retarded as well which adds a new level of sadness..I'm not going to get into the HGH hormones that were said to be injected...the story gets weirder and weirder with every news story i hear.

But i think the saddest thing of all is how Benoit will be remembered. The guy was a living legend in the ring, a sure WWE hall of famer. (He was scheduled to win the title the next night but for whatever reason, he opted out of his life). Some may say he cheated to get where he was (steroids) but he never cheated the fans...He never mailed it in. In my opinion, he worked his ass off and deserved much more than what he got...but he still achieved greatness.

I still view him as a hero..as creepy as that sounds. But if you think about it Van Gogh was a nut job..he cut off his ear and comitted suicide..but he is still regarded as an amazing artist..I think the same should be held true for the Canadian Crippler (the character, the wrestler). His work in the ring should be viewed on its own. A lot of people or quick to call him "sick" and "an animal" and you know what they are right on both accounts.. He was sick, I dont think he was a cold blooded killer i think he suffered from some sort of mental breakdown...whether its depression, road rage, or another mental illness the man was sick and he flipped. And of course, he was an animal.... a "Rabid Wolverine".

Looking for answers

 About a month and a half ago (maybe longer), I realized that I wasn't happy. I was irritable, confused and just down right miserable....but without good reason. I couldnt explain it- but I felt like I needed to. I needed to find my smile.

 

My self misery came after a period of my life where i was seemingly on top of the world. I'll get into it later- but life was so good I was giving advice to others. Even on the prior blogs i was in self help mode- trying to make everyone aware of how happy i was and disguising it as me helping others. But the happiness faded like the color on an old shirt. "The wave" had finally crashed and it crashed like a tsunami. Although i anticipated my fall from the mountain top- i wasn't prepared for the tail spin i found myself in.  So in an effort to make things right I took a weekend off to try and get my shit together. During that weekend, I drove around Long Island by myself - trying to put things into perspective- no radio, no phone, no distractions- just me and my thoughts. I even ventured into a bar to try an ease my troubles and find some inspiration...I didnt get much of an answer that weekend.. i didnt get much of anything actually. So that weekend turned into weeks, and those weeks have turned into the present.

 

 I dont think I ever had that single moment of clarity but i think little by little i've begun to piece together the puzzle. I now have a better understanding of who I am and I am starting to see things for what they truely are. I've started to become a lot more observent of things. I scrutinize everything until i can make heads or tails of it. For me thinking is like an addictive drug. When i start really really thinking- its like being comitted in a mental institute and thats not a joke- I'm crazy with it. Its almost to the point where i break out flow charts and shit. But i feel like it has to be done. I need to analyze shit b/c thats how i come to realizations. If only i had a passion for medicine- i think i mite be able to cure cancer. But whatever -in essence, I'm still without answers to my original question .How did i get to be so miserable and how do i resolve it

 

The resolving question seemed to be the easiest to answer. Everyone has gone through low periods and so i seeked answers from others. 1 suggestion was medication. But for me- that wasnt an option. In my opinion - too many people take pills or medical action to solve issues they can resolve on their own. Obesity and in some cases depression are prime examples...people hide behind the blanket of an illness rather than face facts. Also, taking pills has become the cool thing to do. You go to a party and you can over hear almost any1 talking about all the shit they are taking. They talk about it like its a badge of honor..not for me though. Medication is a last resort.  I dont think my self misery warrent taking a miracle pill...it means i have to get on my fucking grind.

 

Another suggestion was therapy. It does make sense- but again, not for me. I realize that i really dont have that 1 person that i feel comfortable confiding in,that 1 single person that will listen to everything before giving advise..but then again- I really never had it. Maybe for a while i had jen, or in my k-mart days i had Tara..but really since then i have pieced it together. And i know i have people that will listen- my friends or family but i dunno- for me it's situational. And I'm not the type to talk it out anyway.. i'd rather work through it or write about it. So- in the end- thats what i decided- i'll piece it together and work it out on my own.

 

So how did i get so miserable? Only God knows for sure. But i think it was just pieces of everything that finally reached an explosive boiling point. All the bullshit just mounted.

Drama

Well as promised the self help shit is out the window. I realize no1 wants to hear advice from someone who can’t even help himself. I’m not saying I’m a lost soul but I know I’m in no better position than any1 else. I’m offering career advice and yet I’m 1 small step up from the mail room and I’m giving relationship advice but I’m home alone more than Mulculy Culkin. It really doesn’t make sense- and I fucking know it. But in my own defense, so often I hear shit from people that just makes my head want to erupt. People give advice on things they know absolutely nothing about or they are “experts” but they give the textbook responses rather than looking at the given situation. To try and combat this- I offer my own words of wisdom. But, I’m trying not to, my “wisdom” is unproven and it’s built upon speculation. I just wish others would follow suit. If I ever get my shit together long enough to be successful then maybe I’ll conjure up some cute anecdotes about life and leadership and throw them in a book but until then it’s back to basics…ranting.

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Back in high school- I would have never envisioned myself being the way I am now. I’m not like John Mayer waiting on the world to change- I see life as always evolving. In fact, I think life has only 2 constants… time and change. My life has changed drastically in just a few short years, for better or for worse –whatever (that’s up to you). All I know is that I am battle tested. I’ve got the scars to prove it. I’ve been thinking a lot about the polar opposite mind frames and changes that have occurred in the last few years and here is kind of a sample…

 

I’ve lost patience, family members, friendships, and girl friends

I’ve gained self respect, weight, new relationships and maturity.

I’ve forgotten things I knew by heart and remember things I wish I could forget.

I used to hate to fight, but now I fight b/c I’m consumed by hate.

I usedto look forward to the weekends now I’m depressed by them.

 

The list really does go on and on. But I guess that’s typical.  I think Muhammad Ali once said, “Show me a man that’s the same at 21 as he is at 41 and I’ll show you a man that’s wasted 20 years.” And it’s so god damn true. So when some1 tells me I’ve changed- I don’t take offense to it anymore- I embrace it... I look at it as a good thing.

 

Now with all that said- I see changes in other people as well. Maturity, respect, appearance, -all that shit. Some things I like and some I don’t- but that’s not for me to judge. But when personalities clash – that’s when the shit is most apparent…and that’s when voices get heard. Last night was 1 of those nights where 2 conflicting viewpoints butted heads. I heard whining and complaining I just kind of lost it. I’ m not proud of how I handled it (yelling and screaming) but I stand behind what I said- b/c it has been something that’s been building up.

 

I hate drama- I know people always say that shit, like it’s the cool thing to say- but I really fucking do. I hate it with a passion. And not just drama, I hate just about anything that will bring attention towards me- both good and bad. But especially drama, and worse- drama without facts. So when I feel I am getting attacked, or I’m part of a situation being questioned or labeled as shady- I take offense to it. Last time one of my friends was victim to it. but I didn’t say much b/c it didn’t involve me- when asked my opinion I gave it (and supported my friend) and that was it. But now I’m involved and I’ll speak in depth on this shit…b/c it is what it is.

 

Im more Boring than the jewish new yr

I was watching elimiDATE 1 day and some skanky, over confident yet incredibly  enticing chick posed a question to some wanna-be-playa...(hahaha...the plot of the show is always the same) "What was the craziest thing u ever did?" It's a typical, standard date question. But one i dont have a cool answer for. I thought at first i was drawing a blank but the more and more i think about it- i really cant answer it. I'm not a wild and crazy guy and i know thats not necessarily a bad thing..but i feel like im runnin my life like im Al Gore or something. My "young and stupid days" are over and its kind of a shame that i spent too much time growin up and not enough time pissin my initials all over Mrs Phallen's desk. Don't get me wrong- im not a complete angel- ive done some bad/regrettable shit..but nothing CRAZY or even anything mildly entertaining that would sufice that query.

I'd like to say i'm LIVIN LIFE IN THE FAST LANE..but truth be told- if i am, im goin the speed limit, with a seat belt on and obeying all the traffic laws. It's upsetting but the good thing is - i still have time. Its not something that i blew- its somethign that can happen anytime anywhere- i just have to be ready for it. For instance, i heard on the radio the other day- some guy said he saw a UFC fighter at a bar 1 nite and he went over to him and took a swing at him.."The iceman" as hes known proceeded to kick the shit out of him- but still- thats a fucking cool story. I dont think id do anything that extrme but i need something..

I'm trying to think of 1 thing..just 1 thing that would satisfy this question and at the same time not get me arrested/killed. Watching Jackass 2 last nite added more fuel to this fire and its something that cant be extinguished until its been satisfied. I got things in my head but nothing  thats gonna wow ya- u know?

Thats all i got for now- I'll keep you posted.

On the Brink

The majority of my weeknigths are spent relaxing.. You wont find me working on the house, mowing the lawn or mountains climbing. Nope, i'll gladly leave that shit for the weekend. The weeknites are basically filled with filler fun...Wether i'm watching wrestling, the yankees, Rescue me..or rocking out to some gay techno song while doing my bills...its just something to help wind down from the 8 hr workday. Another fun "activity" that i like to partake in is being online. So aside from being a couch potato im also a mouse potato. I'm a MasterTator what can i say. But, its just a way to get that beloved and oh so coveted R&R. So just about the last thing i want to do is be involved in a strenuous activity or conversation b4 i hit the sheets. Last nite.. i was invovled in a heavy conversation that made me scratch my head like a circuis chimp with head lice and misquito bites. It's the age old euthanasia question..to pull the plug or to not pull the plug. I'll be honest its not so much the conversation i had with my friend,  as it was my mind wondering whats the right and wrong thing to do. Do u wanna keep them for selfish reasons or do u pull the plug and give up on all hope. Its a tough spot to be in and i hope none of us are ever in that spot.... but what if. I'm not gonna go all steven king on u- u can paint ur own picture....but its worth thinking about.

I'd like to go outside the box for a moment and comment on some of the recent headlines..For one the Christy Brinkley divorce. First of all- this is what, her 4th broken marriage? This isnt exactly front page stuff anymore... but since its gotten so much attention- allow me to induldge. Christy Brinkley is a beautiful woman. She's like 50 and she still looks like the young uptown girl Billy Joel wrote a song about during 1 of his many drunken nites. They were married for 10 years and have a child (sailor).  So naturally everyone is asking the question what was this Cook guy thinking....Well, as you all know, im a pretty decent guy..and i not only respect the sanctity of marriage..i respect the sanctity of a relationship..and i dont believe i'd ever cheat on any girl- even if i hated them. But... i mean have u seen this girl ?? She's friggen hotter than that heatwave we just had! She's more than half Christy's age and an aspiring pop singer...this big headed goofball could have been bangin the next Britney Spears!!..girls feel free to roll ur eyes but this little tidbit weighs mighty heavily on the pros and cons list. now again, i dont agree with the whole cheating thing but i def. could understand what he was thinking... hell i think the majority of guys can.. but in the end he got caught with his hands in the cookie jar- and im glad. The world sees him as a dog and he'll probably lose quite a bit of money in the divorce..thats a pretty expensive piece of ass..but again..Have u seen this chick??? lol

But i shouldnt comment on juggling 2 girls- finding/holding 1 seems to be enough of a problem for me. It must be my standards are just too high. I guess normalcy is too much to ask for now adays lol. 

I bumped into my ex g/f a little over a week ago and we caught up over a slice of pizza. Little weird at first but after a whle it felt like old times...not that i was madly in love with her or anything remotely close to that- but it felt relaxed..and i could be myself- its been a while since i felt that with some1 other than my friends. I guess cuz we spent close to 2 years together so we got all the awkward moments out of the way then.  But..yeaah we caught up and it was good times. Havent spoke to her since. Also Umbertos looks like they make an amazing calzone..beware of it. Has any1 tried that new new pizza place?? the one that used to be around the clock deli..im dying to give that a whirl.

Something else worth noting is that i have recently been turned on to a stranger's blog who has been going through a similar situation as Ms Brinkley..her husband was caught cheating on her with....dun dun dun dun her best friend! Yeah, so this woman has been figthing back big time!!! Her 1st course of action was to buy a huge billboard (with their joint bank account) and hoist it up in front of their apartment..cool shit i saw the pics.. then she handed out wine to homeless people (he was a wine collector), then she waived all his fantasy baseball players, and she handed out fleyers on the streets alerting all those in the neighborhood to watch out for her ex. Shes not through yet either...everyday its something new..a really interesting/humorous read, unlike this flub u guys are reading. Check it out: That Girl Emily.

Failure to Launch

"As one door closes, another 1 opens.". or atleast that's how the saying goes. For the most part i really havent found that to be the case..however..recently..it seems to apply. Of course i'm talking about Nikki..Why wouldn't i be?? She's been the source of my journal entries for almost a year now. I know i kind of left things a little ambiguous in my last entry so i'd like to unblurr the line a little bit. 

 First, let me just say that i know a lot of my friends didnt really like her/warm up to her and for that i dont know why. Even people at work who never met her - HATED her just cuz of some of the stories i'd say..and to be honest... i didnt care. Honestly  i was determined to give it my all- cuz i thought she was something special... She is a nice girl whose caring and fun to be around...for the most part and i liked her A LOT. Again, i dont know why she wasnt accepted right away but i guess it worked out for the best.

The thing is- me and Nikk never really connected. In my opinion i feel like she really wasnt even open to the idea to begin with. At first i thought i was the problem..i was away from the game for a long time and i thought maybe i forgot how to play...and she kinda blamed it on me saying i acted weird around her..but as time elapsed i realized that she was the 1 acting weird and i didnt know how to react to that... but eventually it came clear to me that she was still hung up on her ex b/f and may have kind of used me as a tool to get him jealous. Now that might sound fucked up... but.. if i knew that going into it..i still would have signed for it. It was a shot to be with the girl who i adored for over a year- how could i pass that up? So whatever..  we gave it a shot..there was some fighting which i still cant explain, some uncomfortable moments, and some good times which were peppered in to keep my hopes and dreams alive. Once the cruise came i hoped for an answer..

Let me just say that the Cruise was my saving grace...it was my Triumph. I wouldn't change one second, one emotion, or 1 breath... b/c in the end...yeah, I got my answer..although not from her.  I kinda figured it out..reluctantly but i figured it out (with some help) and by the time we were in Miami i knew what had to be done...i wanted to salvage a friendship though.....cuz even though we would never work as a couple i felt like as friends we did have something.

So as friends we still talked for about a week..things were cool. Then suddenly i heard that she was back with her ex b/f...not that i cared.. im happy. Im happy that shes happy- im happy im off the hook. im happy on several levels.  I mean it when i say- not an ounce of jealousy or resentment...All smiles..so we're friends right? No more calling everyday, no more awkward moments- just casual friends. So yeah..i see her at berts bash, go to her birthday and things are fine. Then she calls me one night when im at saf-t-swim working out..and as i do what i do with all my friends.. i dont call back. LOL- Welcome to thunder dome bitch..haha- i dunno why i inserted that there but i like it...Anyway, apparently this doesnt fly in Nikki's world..she accuses me of being jealous and not being able to handle this and she says im resisting the friendship or whatever. So rather than call her back and get into a fight- im just letting it be. I dont wanna squabble over this- thats not what im about. Im mr non-confrontational....and aside from being "the worst dart player here" i'm also pretty easy to get along with. so if ur in a fight with me- odds are that u wanted it that way. So yeah- if i see her and she wants to talk it out thats cool.. or if she calls me and wants to talk it out- cool..but i wont call her and i wont fight with her- thats not what its about.

So that's that.... and through it all I feel like i handled the whole situation with quite a bit of maturity.. i dont think a lot of guys in my situation could have dealt with what i did and recovered as well. Maybe i acted like a sucker and put myself in an unhealthy situation to begin with and maybe i should have gotten the hint quicker BUT thats not the point. I think i eventually folded my hand and was able to get up and leave the table with dignity. Obviously i had some good friends to help me, so thanx again for that...and insert Ash....I dont have a good "mack game"... i dont have any game...I just happened to be fortunate to be in the right place at the right time..it also doesnt hurt when u have friends who help pimp u out. haha- But yeah..Bert and Kara introduced me to kara's roomate at school  Ash..and i couldnt be more grateful.. and remember when i said i wouldnt change a thing that happened on the cruise.. well this is another reason..i dont know if i would have been introduced to ash, if kar and bert didnt feel bad for me lol.

Ash is awesome...she's sweet, shes adorable , shes a good speller, shes fun,...shes everything in 1. Shes very very very pretty too! I dont wanna gushhh cuz i did that with nikk in the beginning too and we all know how that turned out..but i think Ash is different. Im not saying wedding bells or anything like that but shes seems like the nicest person ever and i think a good personality is very attractive. The only thing is that she lives in jerz and thats somewhat  problematic considering i wont drive to dairy-barn cuz its "so out of the way" lol. But for her  (I dont want to jinx it but) i think id be willing to give it a shot. We'll def start slow and see how it goes but...so far no complaints at all.

Oh i almost forgot the significance of the title..the first and only movie nikki and i saw was failure to launch..which is kind of ironic cuz that summarizes our relationshit...then i was talking to Ash yesterday and she said she was going to stay home and watch a movie...Failure to launch..it just got me thinking how things come full circle. I'm more optimistic this time around.