Im more Boring than the jewish new yr

I was watching elimiDATE 1 day and some skanky, over confident yet incredibly  enticing chick posed a question to some wanna-be-playa...(hahaha...the plot of the show is always the same) "What was the craziest thing u ever did?" It's a typical, standard date question. But one i dont have a cool answer for. I thought at first i was drawing a blank but the more and more i think about it- i really cant answer it. I'm not a wild and crazy guy and i know thats not necessarily a bad thing..but i feel like im runnin my life like im Al Gore or something. My "young and stupid days" are over and its kind of a shame that i spent too much time growin up and not enough time pissin my initials all over Mrs Phallen's desk. Don't get me wrong- im not a complete angel- ive done some bad/regrettable shit..but nothing CRAZY or even anything mildly entertaining that would sufice that query.

I'd like to say i'm LIVIN LIFE IN THE FAST LANE..but truth be told- if i am, im goin the speed limit, with a seat belt on and obeying all the traffic laws. It's upsetting but the good thing is - i still have time. Its not something that i blew- its somethign that can happen anytime anywhere- i just have to be ready for it. For instance, i heard on the radio the other day- some guy said he saw a UFC fighter at a bar 1 nite and he went over to him and took a swing at him.."The iceman" as hes known proceeded to kick the shit out of him- but still- thats a fucking cool story. I dont think id do anything that extrme but i need something..

I'm trying to think of 1 thing..just 1 thing that would satisfy this question and at the same time not get me arrested/killed. Watching Jackass 2 last nite added more fuel to this fire and its something that cant be extinguished until its been satisfied. I got things in my head but nothing  thats gonna wow ya- u know?

Thats all i got for now- I'll keep you posted.

On the Brink

The majority of my weeknigths are spent relaxing.. You wont find me working on the house, mowing the lawn or mountains climbing. Nope, i'll gladly leave that shit for the weekend. The weeknites are basically filled with filler fun...Wether i'm watching wrestling, the yankees, Rescue me..or rocking out to some gay techno song while doing my bills...its just something to help wind down from the 8 hr workday. Another fun "activity" that i like to partake in is being online. So aside from being a couch potato im also a mouse potato. I'm a MasterTator what can i say. But, its just a way to get that beloved and oh so coveted R&R. So just about the last thing i want to do is be involved in a strenuous activity or conversation b4 i hit the sheets. Last nite.. i was invovled in a heavy conversation that made me scratch my head like a circuis chimp with head lice and misquito bites. It's the age old euthanasia question..to pull the plug or to not pull the plug. I'll be honest its not so much the conversation i had with my friend,  as it was my mind wondering whats the right and wrong thing to do. Do u wanna keep them for selfish reasons or do u pull the plug and give up on all hope. Its a tough spot to be in and i hope none of us are ever in that spot.... but what if. I'm not gonna go all steven king on u- u can paint ur own picture....but its worth thinking about.

I'd like to go outside the box for a moment and comment on some of the recent headlines..For one the Christy Brinkley divorce. First of all- this is what, her 4th broken marriage? This isnt exactly front page stuff anymore... but since its gotten so much attention- allow me to induldge. Christy Brinkley is a beautiful woman. She's like 50 and she still looks like the young uptown girl Billy Joel wrote a song about during 1 of his many drunken nites. They were married for 10 years and have a child (sailor).  So naturally everyone is asking the question what was this Cook guy thinking....Well, as you all know, im a pretty decent guy..and i not only respect the sanctity of marriage..i respect the sanctity of a relationship..and i dont believe i'd ever cheat on any girl- even if i hated them. But... i mean have u seen this girl ?? She's friggen hotter than that heatwave we just had! She's more than half Christy's age and an aspiring pop singer...this big headed goofball could have been bangin the next Britney Spears!!..girls feel free to roll ur eyes but this little tidbit weighs mighty heavily on the pros and cons list. now again, i dont agree with the whole cheating thing but i def. could understand what he was thinking... hell i think the majority of guys can.. but in the end he got caught with his hands in the cookie jar- and im glad. The world sees him as a dog and he'll probably lose quite a bit of money in the divorce..thats a pretty expensive piece of ass..but again..Have u seen this chick??? lol

But i shouldnt comment on juggling 2 girls- finding/holding 1 seems to be enough of a problem for me. It must be my standards are just too high. I guess normalcy is too much to ask for now adays lol. 

I bumped into my ex g/f a little over a week ago and we caught up over a slice of pizza. Little weird at first but after a whle it felt like old times...not that i was madly in love with her or anything remotely close to that- but it felt relaxed..and i could be myself- its been a while since i felt that with some1 other than my friends. I guess cuz we spent close to 2 years together so we got all the awkward moments out of the way then.  But..yeaah we caught up and it was good times. Havent spoke to her since. Also Umbertos looks like they make an amazing calzone..beware of it. Has any1 tried that new new pizza place?? the one that used to be around the clock deli..im dying to give that a whirl.

Something else worth noting is that i have recently been turned on to a stranger's blog who has been going through a similar situation as Ms Brinkley..her husband was caught cheating on her with....dun dun dun dun her best friend! Yeah, so this woman has been figthing back big time!!! Her 1st course of action was to buy a huge billboard (with their joint bank account) and hoist it up in front of their apartment..cool shit i saw the pics.. then she handed out wine to homeless people (he was a wine collector), then she waived all his fantasy baseball players, and she handed out fleyers on the streets alerting all those in the neighborhood to watch out for her ex. Shes not through yet either...everyday its something new..a really interesting/humorous read, unlike this flub u guys are reading. Check it out: That Girl Emily.

Failure to Launch

"As one door closes, another 1 opens.". or atleast that's how the saying goes. For the most part i really havent found that to be the case..however..recently..it seems to apply. Of course i'm talking about Nikki..Why wouldn't i be?? She's been the source of my journal entries for almost a year now. I know i kind of left things a little ambiguous in my last entry so i'd like to unblurr the line a little bit. 

 First, let me just say that i know a lot of my friends didnt really like her/warm up to her and for that i dont know why. Even people at work who never met her - HATED her just cuz of some of the stories i'd say..and to be honest... i didnt care. Honestly  i was determined to give it my all- cuz i thought she was something special... She is a nice girl whose caring and fun to be around...for the most part and i liked her A LOT. Again, i dont know why she wasnt accepted right away but i guess it worked out for the best.

The thing is- me and Nikk never really connected. In my opinion i feel like she really wasnt even open to the idea to begin with. At first i thought i was the problem..i was away from the game for a long time and i thought maybe i forgot how to play...and she kinda blamed it on me saying i acted weird around her..but as time elapsed i realized that she was the 1 acting weird and i didnt know how to react to that... but eventually it came clear to me that she was still hung up on her ex b/f and may have kind of used me as a tool to get him jealous. Now that might sound fucked up... but.. if i knew that going into it..i still would have signed for it. It was a shot to be with the girl who i adored for over a year- how could i pass that up? So whatever..  we gave it a shot..there was some fighting which i still cant explain, some uncomfortable moments, and some good times which were peppered in to keep my hopes and dreams alive. Once the cruise came i hoped for an answer..

Let me just say that the Cruise was my saving grace...it was my Triumph. I wouldn't change one second, one emotion, or 1 breath... b/c in the end...yeah, I got my answer..although not from her.  I kinda figured it out..reluctantly but i figured it out (with some help) and by the time we were in Miami i knew what had to be done...i wanted to salvage a friendship though.....cuz even though we would never work as a couple i felt like as friends we did have something.

So as friends we still talked for about a week..things were cool. Then suddenly i heard that she was back with her ex b/f...not that i cared.. im happy. Im happy that shes happy- im happy im off the hook. im happy on several levels.  I mean it when i say- not an ounce of jealousy or resentment...All smiles..so we're friends right? No more calling everyday, no more awkward moments- just casual friends. So yeah..i see her at berts bash, go to her birthday and things are fine. Then she calls me one night when im at saf-t-swim working out..and as i do what i do with all my friends.. i dont call back. LOL- Welcome to thunder dome bitch..haha- i dunno why i inserted that there but i like it...Anyway, apparently this doesnt fly in Nikki's world..she accuses me of being jealous and not being able to handle this and she says im resisting the friendship or whatever. So rather than call her back and get into a fight- im just letting it be. I dont wanna squabble over this- thats not what im about. Im mr non-confrontational....and aside from being "the worst dart player here" i'm also pretty easy to get along with. so if ur in a fight with me- odds are that u wanted it that way. So yeah- if i see her and she wants to talk it out thats cool.. or if she calls me and wants to talk it out- cool..but i wont call her and i wont fight with her- thats not what its about.

So that's that.... and through it all I feel like i handled the whole situation with quite a bit of maturity.. i dont think a lot of guys in my situation could have dealt with what i did and recovered as well. Maybe i acted like a sucker and put myself in an unhealthy situation to begin with and maybe i should have gotten the hint quicker BUT thats not the point. I think i eventually folded my hand and was able to get up and leave the table with dignity. Obviously i had some good friends to help me, so thanx again for that...and insert Ash....I dont have a good "mack game"... i dont have any game...I just happened to be fortunate to be in the right place at the right time..it also doesnt hurt when u have friends who help pimp u out. haha- But yeah..Bert and Kara introduced me to kara's roomate at school  Ash..and i couldnt be more grateful.. and remember when i said i wouldnt change a thing that happened on the cruise.. well this is another reason..i dont know if i would have been introduced to ash, if kar and bert didnt feel bad for me lol.

Ash is awesome...she's sweet, shes adorable , shes a good speller, shes fun,...shes everything in 1. Shes very very very pretty too! I dont wanna gushhh cuz i did that with nikk in the beginning too and we all know how that turned out..but i think Ash is different. Im not saying wedding bells or anything like that but shes seems like the nicest person ever and i think a good personality is very attractive. The only thing is that she lives in jerz and thats somewhat  problematic considering i wont drive to dairy-barn cuz its "so out of the way" lol. But for her  (I dont want to jinx it but) i think id be willing to give it a shot. We'll def start slow and see how it goes but...so far no complaints at all.

Oh i almost forgot the significance of the title..the first and only movie nikki and i saw was failure to launch..which is kind of ironic cuz that summarizes our relationshit...then i was talking to Ash yesterday and she said she was going to stay home and watch a movie...Failure to launch..it just got me thinking how things come full circle. I'm more optimistic this time around.

Real World- The Carib

"...and just like the Bible, son I've returned."

Now...I'm not sure as to how often I'll be updating this but with so much happening in the past week or so...i felt like a journal entry was in order...its the only way i can  properly pay homage to the trip. (translation: i have a lot of ground to cover and i don't feel like answering all your annoying and probing questions :) I'm gonna detail the trip...then provide some commentary and all the while have some fun along the way- so sit back and enjoy the ride cuz the journey has been reborn. Hahaha- i know its cheesy but im actually excited about this.

WIth all that preamble bullshit out of the way...lets dig in like a retarded boy making a sand castle.

The trip started early (for me). I woke up at 3:05ish on Sat morning- (June 3rd). I got ready quick, i'm tlaking lightening quick....so quick i forgot to put on deodorant. I dropped off the luggage at Grand Master Bert's house (just left it on the driveway cuz the inside of his house was darker than the audience at a ludacris concert). SO then it was off to Nikki's house. It was at least a couple of weeks since i saw her so i was excited..about 5 1/2 inches I'd say- J/K!!! Nah i was excited in a sense that this was it...this is what I've been waiting for....This trip has been a year in the making and now it was a few hrs from finally coming to fruition. So i scooped up Nik and helped her with her bags. Again, let me stress the fact that i had like no sleep...i was doing last minute packing, figuring out how to work my camera, and cleaning up my room cuz i pretty much just tore it apart looking for things. So my eye lids felt heavier than bowling balls and i drove the whole way looking ike a Chinese man..anyway, i took the long way home (not on purpose). Once i got to my house, Bert and kara were there waiting for me. I ran into my house quick and said good bye to my parents and my brother (and no, i didn't say "i love you" assholes). From there we went back to Bert's where Mr Bert took us to the airport.

We met up with the rest of the crew in the airport and checked the bags. Gina was stressing out like she was on heroin until we were about to board the plane. This is where i broke out my camera for the first time. The SD550....7.1 mega pixels, 3x optical zoom, 2.5 screen- insert tim "the tool man" taylor grunt here. I pretty much carried this camera everywhere, as if i wasa mother kangaroo and the camera was my little one. Now i think i mentioned before how much i hate pictures. I used to tell people that I'm not photogenic but now i dont do that cuz i realized why. Cameras are accurate. Why do i look like a milky white, bald, out of shape cancer patient in all my photos?....i glance in the mirror, "ohhhh because thats what i look like". So i figure if im the 1 snappin the pics- i'll like them cuz i wont be in them...So yeah- camera in hand..lets get it poppin. The plane ride there was kind of quiet, filled with lethargic anticipation. Brad was doing his usual shenanigans - adjusting nikki's seat pillow every time she moved. Bert van winkle was sleeping the whole trip leaving poor kar with no1 to talk to (they were seated away from us).  Oh i didn't mention Kate and Jess. Kate is Gina's friend from Sacred Heart and Jess was Kates friend from...HELL. ok, she wasn't that bad- but not my cup of tea..i could tell from day 1.. Kate on the other hand was a delight- sweet girl and just fun to be around..."Kate is great".

So lets speed up the tape a little bit...Miami was hot as balls, oh and remember when  said i forgot to put on deodorent- yeahhhh at this point i smelt nastier than Shaq's gym socks. So we get there and idump both bags off- its too hot to carry them...Sidebar- they give me these broken tags and instead of just askin for new ones i make it my life mission to try and tie a secure knott- bottom line- 1 worked 1 didnt, i hadda go searching though a sea of lost baggage once we finally got on the ship.  ohhh and we are about to board ths ship when i realize that i forgot my cruise info....well not really...i realized it when nikki yelled- "did u remember to take the blue book out of your lugage"... so i had to make the run back outside in the heat and get the shitout of my bag. then we finally get on the ship...The Carnival Triumph! After we eat and i indulge in some ice cream...we check on the rooms. Me and Nikk got an ocean view and  lemme tell ya- best move we ever made.. I loved that shit, both the window and the couch- clutch!! Little fun fact about your buddy catty...he loves the water. Like i think i mentioned this when i went to Cape cod- but i'll say it again..the water on a clear day/night to me is just a natural tranquility.. its fucking nirvana. Its where i wanna be when i grow old..where i want to write my novel, its a place id like to go to die (so if u ever cant find me, check the trunk of my dad's cadillac first, then hit up the high seas). I absolutely love it though- the last night i spent over an hour on the 11th deck- pearing outside at the water- wishing i could stay there forever.

Once we all got settled- we met upstairs and hit the bottle..and we kinda hit it hard. This is right beofre we were supposed to have our emergency drill...as a result me and nikk were walking around with our lifejackets on lookin half retarded..in the event of an emergency, we were both as good as dead, but it was fun though- i knew the cruise was gonna be a good time from that point on...and i'd say a good 98% of it was just that...I'll get into the 2% dont worry.

Thie Islands...Puerto Rico was cool although we really didnt stay there long. We didnt have anywhere to go after Senior Frogs...but really it didnt matter cuz nothing could have topped it. For those of you who dont know...Senior Frogs is like a drunken frat party with pretty good food. You have to be at least a little tipsy to fully enjoy it but when ur there- its like new years rockin eve. The people at the bar- have these wind machines, they give out sombreros, and they have drinking contests and they have a stage where you can dance and look like an idiot...and some of us did just that. We had a good time doing it  though. St Thomas- the beach in st thomas was beautiful- crystal clear water.. as far as the island...ehhh not so beautiful..it looked 3rd world..but out of all the islands i think it's safe to say that we had the most fun in St Thomas. Tree chirty, meaty coconut, Ayos mioooo, spots, cocoa butter, misquito bites, "fucking American's"...and oh so much more. St. Martin/Maarteen? however u spell it- it was funnnn. We hit up this private resort where we rode the waverunners and lounged in the pool (bar at the edge of the pool). Definitely the nicest island out of the 3.

The Triumph- i had a lot of good times on the ship as well..The dinners were amazing, the towel animals were fricken cool and the comedians were actually funny too. But the best times i had was with my friends (both old and new)...wether it be in the casino,  taking shots, or in one of the rooms just joking around...it can't be duplicated. Brad's offensive/(hysterical) statements, Como,  Trubert...., Bob-bert, Gina's negotiating skills (squeeky wheel gets the grease), and funny lines- "like dove", "cat's bald, why?", "32 to 24..i'll kill u, u f'n whore" (or something like that).. Bert...our heart to heart, johnny walker black.."the sipping drink", "im cold, im nikki belk",  Kara the bundle of energy,  her chants...Boo Bert (my favorite), Nikki, Nikki, Nikki...snores like a guerilla, "wheres my bread biatch", who wears short shorts, "what what what", Kate- "lets go swimming," "i didnt know there was meat in coconuts"...Jess...??.- maybe it'll come to me later. onestly it was an absolutely blast..and i hope we can continue this tradition next year (although everyone should come next time). I have so much more to say but i dont want to have to explain it all.

We spenf an extra day and a half in Miami and that might have been the best part of the whole trip-  maybe. I just love when everyones together and thats all miami was- fun times with friends. We did drinking games and took naps- sounds boring but it was soo much fun. Our flight home was delayed so we hada spend 6hrs in the airport..but for some reason 6 hrs flew by and before i knew it i was on my way home saying "where did the time go".

I think i really learned a lot from this trip...yes it was fun and educational..i learned a lot about people. The group was like the real world in a way and i was able to see all types of people.i compared myself to others and saw the contrasts and similarities . (As i said- i had some time to just gaze out into the open sea and just think.. it was like therapy..just without the couch and the useless psych degree hanging on the wall. Obviously im not saying that a good night on the ocean willl result on the cure for cancer- but  for me- it helps me focus.)  I learned about my own standards and limitations, i learned that there is a fine line between happiness and awkwardness. Lies and truth.Humor and Anger. I learned what's real and whats just a mirage. I learned who people are and who they are pretending to be (myself included). Above all else i learned that i'm not too old to still be learning about myself.

The million dollar question- me and nikk?? I know everyones wondering if anything romanticly happened or "what not"... Well, im gonna leave that open ended. I think i should stress that it really was never my intent to go there and hook up with her..my only hope was that we grew closer..whether that meant friends or more than friends...i cant really say. Ideally yes- i prob wanted her to fall in love with me- but i didnt really anticipate that..b/c thats not logical/ the reason she was invited. She was invited b/c shes a fun person...who i just happend to be madly infatuated with. Plus- there were 2 couples on the cruise and i didnt want to have to share the room with any of them. All i can say is that i think we are better off now than when we left.. I think we have a better understanding of 1 another and that's i guess, all i should have been asking for... My gut tells me that we'll never be a couple and I'm ok with that. Its not cuz my feelings towards her have changed or visa versa. I think thats just the harsh reality of life.

Back to the reality....So i come back to work, after taking a day to just relax. ask for a new batery cuz i couldnt find my old 1- i get it and BAM- i see all the pictures i took...beatiful clear pictures, i explain to my friends at work some of the situations, show the videos, and let them look through the pictures...the girl that sits next to me.. asks to see the pics, she says shes gonna do a slide show - next thing i know ...."uh-ohhhh" ...I said what- she says i think i deleted them...i say "your fuckin with me" shes just looks at me..i say again "ur fuckin with me" - i go over there and see a black screen that says NO image... I YELL...Carolina, "WHAT R U DOING TO ME" and after a second of trying to retrieve the pics- i have to walk away before i take the camera and smash her over the head with it repeatedly. Things havent been the same btwen us- shes been appologetic but im just sooooo pissed still- im sure it was an accident but i feel like i have nothign to show for my vacation.

Look for some changes- coming soon. By the way- The SoaS has oficiallly started.

Work in progress

Forgive me father for i have sinned...it's been almost a month since my last entry. I'm obviously joking but sometimes i do feel like this is my confessional...I come here to vent, to bitch and complain, and to share my excitement...I've kind of held off lately but in the end, i'm like a self confident cripple who thinks he can walk...I just keep crawling back.

So here i am..and i know a lot of u nosey bastards want to know every last detail of what i have been up to but im the puppet master of this horror show- so I'll call the shots. AND u get nothing LOL!!!! I'll just say that space mountain continues and prob will for a while but no matter what-its been a good ride...and im not ready for the end.

In other news... I went to 2 Yankee games this weekend...2! Both awesome...The Yankees won both games!!

My latest problem stems from work...I've grown to really really like what im doing...My job is challenging but not impossible, I do it to the best of my ability. The people there have been really really nice....A lot of my co workers tend to slack off and goof around but i like to be all business..i guess cuz im still the new guy. My bosses are really cool too and i feel secure there...the only drawback is the financial aspect. I feel like i should be making more money and i know i've only been there for half a year but i really am not happy with my bank account. I look at this job as a start to my life but at the same time..i have some major purchases coming my way in the next few years and i'd like to be prepared for them. I still wanna go back to school, and i know they can help pay for that- so i guess thats a big factor...but i think the most important thing to me is that my bosses realize how hard i've been working for them..When it comes raise time i want to make sure they anty up. I've recently taken on a big job that wasnt originally part of my job description...so i hope they remember it. Dont get me wrong- im not the guy who always feels like the company owes him something- i hate those people!! I just want them to realize that im a good worker and treat me as such..i've received an offer to work elsewhere for 15k more than what im making now- i dont know the benefits and i dont know much about the job but its something to think about. I dont want to become complacent but at the same time i dont wanna jump the un and leave a company that is sooo good to me. I like going to work and thats sooo important. I dunno- its just some food for thought which i have been chewin on the past few days.

Side bar- Opie and Anthony return to regular radio this morning!!!! Things are gonna be nuts.

Double sidebar- I already have a name for this summer...i know i said i wasnt gonna label things after the S-o-X crashed harder than a Billy Joel driven porshe...but i cant help it...this summer is ladled...are u ready for this? The Summer of all Summers.... with the sub lable (for now)... it's gonna get Hot. ...Cruise, The P.O.L., Tara's summer party, Mountain Creek, Darts....BIG THING IN 06...lets get it goin!!

Quickie

First of all- let me just say congratulations. If you are able to read this- u made the cut. I felt it was time to trim the fat- i dunno who read this thing but i wanna have an idea lol. So from now on everyone on my buddylist is enable to see this journal...everyone else can take a long hard one up the pooper.

SO if ur an observent one u'd have already realized that it's tues. nite and close to 8pm...the"hinge" as it were labeled...but yet no longer. Confused ?, join the club. But im not going to ramble on and on about what may or may not be...i've had talks with those that care and i've recieved all the advice i can handle...All varied but with a similar message- "beeeeeee yourself".. (some1 actually quoted Aladin lol). Anyway a big thanx to every1 for listening and for ur continued support on this. it really does mean the world to me.

In a bizarre twist of fate the whole dilemna has actually gotten me closer to people from work and although they arent as understanding as my friends- they have come in with unbiased yet brutally honest viewpoints that have helped open my eyes a little bit. im not gonna go into detail but ...lets just say ive been nicknamed "the pathetic gambler", and "ready whip" lol. Its all done in fun and i know they are just bustin balls but i cant help but wonder if they're right. aight ive said my piece..now i shall... (peace)

Always and never

E-MO ALERT: the following blog contains pathetic ramblings of a probably soon to be very depressed/inconsolable shell of a man...Please dont judge.

For years I suffered in silence. Only ever wanting that 1 thing. The one thing that people live and die for.  The one thing people breath everyday for.. But now i breath for something else. I live hoping that 1 day i'll be good enough. 1 day maybe i'll know what its like to feel it back. im running a marathon with no finishline...i've got my eyes on the forbidden fruit....it's look but dont touch, touch but dont taste, taste but dont swallow. its an endless and vicious cycle. My heart melts by the minute.

For the first time ever, i felt it. Short but sweet. i lived in a world where music had deep and sentimental meaning. A world where excitement and pain were separated only by a phone call. i dont want to call it love..but it was the pursuit of it. I have 1 opportunity to make it right and though i will do my best to make it work...i realize that in my heart of hearts - im weary. words cant describe my feelings...and there lies the problem. If this doesnt work out i have no1 to blame but myself...and thats not going to help me get through the day.

I just wish it could be like the movies. Everything seems so much easier when there's a script involved but feelings arent. Im not even going out with this girl but i care more for her than any of my past girlfriends. Sad but true. i dont eat, sleep, or smile when shes mad at me...And to be quite honest i am still not sure she likes me. I feel as if she likes me only b/c im a nice guy..or cuz her friends tell her she should. That leaves me feeling like im "not good enough". Call me crazy but i thought the the beginning stages of a relationship are supposed to be all smiles...

I know im not the perfect guy but to someone some day i mite be. i pray for that day... sooner rather than later...i pray for tues nite at 8- its the hinge that will swing the door either way. Always and never.

Fucked up

It's ass crack of dawn early here on Saturday and i have no idea why im not snoring like a grizzly bear but for whatever reason i just can't sleep...I basically got home  3 hrs ago from Jay's show in the city. . I wanna tell you everything that happend last nite but there is a slight problem...i dont remember all of it...im lucky if i remember half of it. The nite is kinda pieced together in my mind like an unsolved murder case. As you can probably guess i drank last nite...and boy did i ever. I drank with the intent of getting fucked up and well, i fucked up. I dont ever drink with this mindset- its just my heads been up and down like space mountain lately so i felt it was missi to wash everything away and start fresh..i'll explain that in a little bit. But for all those that care, I no longer hold the label of "a man with no tolerance or limit"...i was making out with a toilet and throwing up out the window of a taxi...(we'll get to that too).... and i dont want to sound like im bragging about that b/c quite frankly its nothing to be proud of. If anything im embarrassed/ashamed i let myself get like that and you know what... if it was just with friends i probably wouldnt care too much b/c i have seen the majority of them wasted....but it was also in the company of some1 i actually care how she views me..Nikki and thats what really suxxx.

I mite still be a little drunk as i'm writing this so bare with me here- (im sippin on a poland spring bottle like a baby on a rubber nipple). but let me preface this story with my feelings on getting drunk....i hate it. I hate people who feel like they have to get annihilated to go out and have a good time. I mentioned a few blogs ago that i saw my brother at the Nutty Irishmen 1 nite and hes 1 of those people that i hate. He got completely shit faced..so much to the point it was embarrassing for me to watch. I was with Sim at the time and i was just so pissed. mike thinks i hate my brother when thats not the case at all- i love him  but  i feel like he constantly makes the wrond decision. Hes one of the people that feels like he has to be the cool 1 and has to impress people but 1 by 1 his "cool decision" have led him on a downward spiral and im concerned. I guess im kinda vee here so i'll end that sub story...  but just know i really hate people who drink too much- like i wanna punch them in the face and thenkick em while they are down. I swore i'd never get like that but i guess now im just a hypocrite cuz i did. 

Here's the short version of the story....So the plans were set (although i wasnt looking forward to going). We were to meet Nikki (the only thing i was lookin forward to) and her friend Raych in the city and then proceed to go to Jay's show. Both my parents were out for the nite- my mom was sleeping over my Aunt's house (they do that from time to time now with the passing of my uncle) and my dad was working late. With the house pretty much to myself and what promised to be a long nite a head of me.. i decided to take a drink of grey goose- just to loosen me up... as i mentioned nikki was coming out tonite and i have a habbit of kind of clamin up around her so i wanted to get a little buzzed just so i could be a little more fun, things have gotten off to a rocky start and thats been concerning me..i just wanted to show her that im a fun guy...cuz i think i am a fun person..i just need a little help sometimes. So with that said i prob drank about half a glass- nothing outrageous...and then bert picked me up and we went to get wildes. I gotta fast forward this story a little bit otherwise i'll be here till noon..but we had several drinks even before we got in the city and then more as we hit up penn station...i was doing shots on the train/ shots at fridays, shots at the bar, also sprinkle in some beers. but anyway back to the meat and potatoes of the story...I GOT FUCKED UP. I dunno when and how it hit me but metaphorically speaking....i was done before i got started. I remember Jay on stage and i remember cheerin but i dont think i managed to see the end of his set because i was too busy in the fedal position  spooning the toilet.  Before that i remember sitting down and just relaxin for a second- Tom came over to me and asked if i was ok- from there i just remember being in the bathroom and somehow nikk,  raych and wildes came in there after me. A huge "thank you/wish they didnt see me like that" goes out to that trio. They didnt leave my side... they got me some water and coached me through it...if i had hair im sure theyd be holdin it back...and the whole time i was sweating like an animal... it was a bad scene- truthfully i would have rather been slaughtered by an army of pissed off midgets. i dont know where that came from- i just wanted to think of something embarrassing and all i got wasan army full of midgets...what the hell is wrong with me? The thing is i know i was out of my mind drunk but im guessing i looked 10 times worse and thats not a comforting thought.

So whatever we finally made our way out of the bar- nikk and bert took me in a cab...wildes and raych got there own..and nikk and bert both took really good care of me b/c i was feeling like shit up until i throw upppp...3 times out the taxi window. Fuckin Bert, the guy mite beat the shit outof me on a constant basis but i cant explain to u how good of a friend he is.  They guy literally took the shirt off his back and whiped up the vomit off the taxi. So the rest of the nite he was cold and uncomfortable but he fuckin never complained. Sidebar...After i threw up i did feel better and  i got better and better as the nite wore on... it just sux that my nite had consisted of them babysititng me. I've been in that position before and i know its def not fun and certainly not a good way to kick off a relationship.

What is it about the city that makes people lose control??? I guess i shouldnt place the blame on the location as much as i should the person but some1 once told me every crazy nite starts in the city and its kinda true.... All and all it was a nite to forget, although im sure i wont for a long long long time....

A late nite write...that will prob get deleted

I'm not sure if this journal will ever make it to public viewing.Right now im just looking for a shoulder to cry on but its 11 o clock and i dont know where else to turn. I'm honestly so up and down right now- its crazy. I know i just wrote how amazing this weekend was and im not backing down from tha- its been a blast...but then 1 kind of wierd phone call from Nikk and i get all frantic and my heart starts to slow down and i lose control.

We kind of hung up wierd and thats always a red flag. I know conversations with me aren't very exciting-if i dont have that much to talk about i'm not good at just making shit up. I feel like that's certainly an issue- we are relativelt new to 1 another and we dont have anything to really talk about. whats wrong with me? I try to act cool but that would kinda be like me pretending to be something i'm not. Cool has never been my forte. I wanna be myself but the real me usually never answers the phone. I think my problem is i care too much not to care. I want her to like me as much as i like her. Its immature, its fuckin school yard love bullshit but i cant help it- im a loser.

Im so scared of blowing this.. probably b/c its a new situation for me. Every other relationship i was in i was kinda in control. I knew the girl liked me so i was pretty much the 1 callin the shots- Thats really not the case here at all- I think shes interested but im so head over, that i cant help but express it and i know thats not the way to play the game...but i really cant help it.

Breaking news- I just got another call from her right now and shes out but she wants to talk to me later. I really have to pull it together on this. I mean logistically i havent known her for that long- i shouldnt be sooo caught up in her...but i am. If things were to end tonight i'd probably be more heart broken then the way things ended with Jen or Melissa and that totally freaks me out. 

I like to use movie quotes to express my feelings- some people opt ofr song lyrics- its whatever floats ur boat. The line that best represents my feelings is "always and never." It's a line from Sin City...let me find the whole line- hold on..."My warrior woman. My Valkyrie. You'll always be mine, always and never. Never. The Fire, baby. It'll burn us both. It'll kill us both. there's no place in this world for our kind of fire. Always and never. If I have to die for you tonight, I will." The line its so beautifully fuckedup- its wierd - but it sums up everything. I'm actually looking for advise on this 1 cuz i feel as if im about to crash and burn.

8o).....Best Weekend In A LONG LONG Time...

I'm not going to lie, my life has always been pretty good. I was never beat up,  or abused, or one of those nerdy Star Wars fan..i was always able to lead my own life with the occasional battle over privacy and freedom...and although those issues still remain a constant struggle, I've never been truly miserable. I may have complained a lot ...but i realize i have been fortunate. With that being said, this past weekend makes my entire life look sad and a little empty.

At this point in time i cant remember ever being happier. Why you ask? Well its really simple...I got to spend the weekend with people i care about it. And for me, life doesn't get much better than that. St Patrick's Day was a busy busy day, i barely had time to breathe. First of all, let me hit u all up with some corporate FYI- if you're not Irish apparently its not cool to dress up in green- I didn't get the memo but i guess every1 else did. People at Canon looked at me like i was an albino at a Lauren Hill concert. It was fricken wierddd...but anywho,  I wanted to actually do something this year as opposed to the previous 23 years where i stayed home and wasted away (im not talking about getting wasted either)- i did nothing!

So i was eager to make things happen...on my lunch break i was making more calls than R. Kelly's PR director. I was trying to set things up and "spread the word." Money and being 21 is always an issue now a days so we found an ideal solution...Bert's house! Odds are the Mirendas were having a party anyway so what's a few more guests, right ? lol- j/k. So, once the plans were in motion i went back to work. When 5 o clock hit i was out the door and in traffic...and they closed the southern state so it was a stand still for a while (the last thing i needed). I finally got through it  and  then picked up a pizza for the family and then came home. I inhaled the food and got ready before  heading out to my cousins house in farmingville- its way out there i dont even know if its on the map. My cousin and her husband have finally successfully adopted a baby so we went down to see her. It's a perfect situation and the baby is adorable and - its just oodles of happiness lol. I can ramble on about that for hours but im sure no1 really cares other than me.  So while this is all well and good it was just the starter to my weekend. 

 I finally camehome made a quick  call to Jimmy Jam Boye (just to make sure he was coming out) and then it was off to the Notorious B-E-R-T's. Here is where the real goodness comes into play. Pretty much all of my hometown homies were present- which doesn't happen often. The only person that was missing was Anthony and he was missed....but still i think everyone had a good time. Wildes and james had their pants off (and it was freezing out), beer pong games were going and the fire pit was blazin in the background. Now insert Nikki. You all know who she is by now- she's the only girl who i've gushed over since i've known her, reference- knife to the heart. So she comes in with her friends and i immediately feel my heart thump like a bass drum from a Toto cover band (the metaphors get gayer and gayer im sorry). So i try and make small talk without blurting out something stupid which is pretty much impossible b/c im as smooth as super crunchy peanut butter. So i was pretty much nervous/excited the whole nite i was with her. I guess i kind of avoided her (although not on purpose) cuz i felt like i was acting weird, and i talked to her friends Raych and Jaime a lot just to make sure they were having fun and cuz i was interested to meet them. I guess i should have spent more time with nikk but i cant undo the past. SO when it was time for her to go i said - goodbye cuz it looked like she was just gonna leave without saying goodbye.. but she came over and asked me to walk her out and hold her hand...Friggen Rico Suave over here says "Why are ur hands cold??" lol- i think i mite be part retarded.. i really do.  But i just cant think straight around her i guess. Anyway- she called me later that nite and we had a nice talk till my phone died and it looked like i hung up on her... i know what ur thinking- this sounds like a nightmare- how is it the best weekend?? I cant explain it but it just was.

Yesterday was good too. I got the best email of my life and then later that night played some cards and just sat around a table and told old stories and jokes. It was a blast, then i came home to talk to Nikki online. I'm telling u- this was one of those weekends where it all came together like a puzzle. I still got some self conscience issues of my own to work out but 1 step at a time. I just want to relish it a little longer.

Devine intervention

With the plans in motion and a reunioun imminent i decided to take a drive to think about things. It was a little after ten and the roads were pretty much wide open.... I had opted to take the long way home, so with the music down and the windows up i drove. I slowed down at every yellow light and as the the light turned red, i'd sit in silence contemplating my next move as if it were a real life game of risk. But in the end i was in no way closer to a realizatrion as i was when i first started. As i got home I took a shower and then layed across my bed stairing at the bright lights of the four burning bulps that dangled above me. Knowing i was at an emotional stalemate, i decided to call it a night. I had work the next day and i knew i'd need all the sleep i could get...my eyes were sleepy but my mind wasnt.  I luthargicly killed the lights and undressed my bed and then i muttered one last time what i had been contemplating for hours... then not even 15 seconds later i heard a bang. It came from my tv stand- it was the sound of something falling- ordinarilly i prob would have just left it and figured it out in the morning but as i mentioned my mind was racing like a Nascar driver. So i sprung up, turned on the light and gave it a look.. and then suddenly, just like that, my mind had been made up. I received a sign, a direction , a form of guidance.

I dont want to say it was an act of God but i cant rule out some sort of devine intervention. (since my uncle passed away there have been quite a few spooky yet comforting  coincidences that lead us to believe hes still with us. I really think this was one of them). I know you probably think im crazy or this magical sign had to be something extraordinary like a glowing light or something but i t wasnt anything like that at all. It was a picture frame that fell over. The picture hasn't been touched for years probably since i put the picture inside of it. SO it had no reason to fall but it did....thats unusual but u it happens somestimes- i understand that. So I was all set to pick up the frame when i looked behind it and saw the other frames in the background. This is where it all came together like the last 15 minutes of the movie Clue.  In those frames were pictures of old memorries, old girlfriends. I took that as a sign and an answer to all my questions. That was all i needed. i was going to give this a shot .

I know that sounds like an opening to a Goosebumps novel but its a real life summary that led to last night...My first date in years. Although i'm still not sure it was a "date". It's a confusing and wierd situation and i think i may be the reason for it. In any case, yesterday is a story in itself, it was a day of nerves, excitement and chaos. The play by play is uneccesary and prob better left unsaid. But i will say that the outcome didnt go as well as i had envisioned. i'm not going to lie i'm left feelin a little dejected, i fee like a helium baloon that just popped. Its hard to explain why because i had a good time and definitely love her company. i guess i just felt like there wasnt chemistry there- i felt as if she saw me as a friend and thats all. I cant get mad at that but i cant help but hang my head a lttle bit either.. I think i did the 1 thing i didnt want to do and thats make the mistake of getting my hopes up too damn high but the truth is i like her, i like really like her, and i dont like that many people. I'm not the type to get crushes every other week. Shes something special, I think shes fun, beautiful, and sweet.  knife to the heart lol. But if it wasn't meant to be- thats all it is. I gave it a shot, i tried my best (i even DROVE!!!) and the rest we'll just have to wait and see.

I really don't have much else to say today. I had so much material but now i feel like its dated (no pun intended) and quite frankly im not in a jolly, joking mood. I just want to thank all those who helped me yesterday, i appreciate all your efforts.  

Love 'n Hate

It's funny how a day that is so widely revered as a day of joy, happiness and love can also be the reason for mass suicides...Yesterday i spent my valentines day with some of the other remaining Long island social rejects. Where do singles go to find love on Feb. 14th??? I couldn't tell ya. But I'll tell you where they weren't..at the gym. It was truly a sad showing, complete with fat people on treadmills and out of shape wanna-be muscleheads like myself trying to avoid the romantic hell of the outside world.  With every "rep" there was the hope of getting in better shape so that maybe next year our lives wont be such a disappointment, although we're probably just setting myself up for more disappointment. Yeah i know its sad... but so goes my life.

Here's a little tip from all the single people in the world to all the the happy couples or those people that don't know what its like being single on valentines day.... We dont only hate you, we wish a brutal and savage death upon you.... we're taking lord of the flies stuff- just an all out mass genocide, one that would make Hitler say- "Take it easy!" I've learned this as i have been single for quite a long time and am familiar with the plight of the lonesome and heavy hearted. We are bitter people and nothing outside of our own happiness is going to change that.  Any single person that disagrees with this is either lying to you or hasn't been single that long. The truth of the matter is we'd wanna switch places with you in a second, even if its just for the day. But since we can't- let the deaths commence, St Valentines Day Masacre 2!! Valentines day is like kryptonite to our hearts, and our mental sanity... it just reminds us of how lonely and in most cases pathetic we truly are.

Just everything about the holiday is such nonsence. Cupid- the flying churibic angel of love...who shoots arrows!!!! Cuz nothing says peace ond love like friggen arrows!!WTF?? And flowers and chocolate- is that really a good barometer of how much you love someone? Like if i killed someone but gave him a piece of chocolate  or a rose before i did it- does it siece to be considered a hate crime? ...But guys do it cuz somehow that symbolizes love. We're all guilty of it but its stupider than that Flavor FLav show.  If you ask me the true test of how much you love someone is how you treat them. Not just on feb 14th andthe anniversary but the whole 365. But then again i'm in no place to be giving love advise..i dont even think i love myself.

But don't cry for me- thats not the intent of this entry. i just  wanted to give an editorial on love from the other side. The dark side if you will, the side that you don't often hear about at the couples parties and the romantic brunches. Its just something for the lovey doveys to think about. Instead of stickin your tongue down ur significant others mouth take a good look at billy in the corner who is drowning himself in a puddle of his own tears. And he's not holding a toaster cuz he loves pop tarts.

Quotables: Why did Hitler comitt suicide????? He took 1 look at the gas bill. (funny but still a sensitive issue?- come on give me that)

Oh God

Formerly titled Catholicism..(i think i used that title before) The past few weeks have been an emotional test of strength for me. I've gotten through it to the best of my ability but i still have so many unanswered questions. Questions that only God could answer...but  then again, even that's questionable. I've been really skeptical lately about the whole concept of God and his "plan."

I've never been an avid church go-er, i lost the faith many years ago but i always held a belief that there was/is a God and he looks out for us and he (that's right God's a He) has that master plan which everyone speaks of...I don't know why but i bought into all the stereotypical gospel shit, i guess its because i wanted to believe in something....and to a certain extent i still do. I want to believe that My Uncle's soul is in heaven or is still currently with us and protecting us...but i cant be certain of that.

One thing i am certain of is that too much credit is given to God and religion in general. Do we really know anything at all about God? No- not at all....we dont even know if he existed.. How did humans form, the planets, the sun??- oh it was God's doing and the virgin Mary and yada yada yada...its all illogical.speculation and dare i say bullshit.  I wish people would just through their hands up and be like "i don't fucking know"...cuz really we don't. If u think about it- we take the information written in the bible from people who weren't educated - the earth was flat, no such thing as gravity, even the weather changing was like a thing of the gods....I just don't have the heart to believe in the holy spirit, the Pope and all the disciples. I still however,  do believe in the human soul and even psychics communicating with the dead...but that may fall into the case of me having wishful thinking..nothing is guaranteed after we pass on- nothing!

And although that last statement may support "the live life for today" debate it doesn't support a family. This is why saving money and building for a future is still definitely a smart thing to do...but, that's for another day and another time so i digress. Life is short- and i cant let this unfortunate occurrence ruin my future and my life. My self professed monacure- "Big things in '06" still holds true, now more so than ever...B/c im determined to climb that ladder again.  Although i should have known my life would take a turn for the worse- i was riding high for way too long. My self esteem was up, i was having a good time, even the knicks were winning. It was just too good.

Last nite- all my friends  got together at the bowling allie and although i loved having everyone together..i didnt care too much for the venue. But it was good having everyone out and tonite we are going out to a restaurant for Melissa's birthday, so its an exciting weekend (for me).

Uncle Phil

There truely is no Good in goodbye....only tears and sadness. The past few days have been just that...actually they've been more than that, they have been without a doubt the worst days of my life.

My Uncle Phillup was an amazing man. His smile could light up a room and his personality was warm an inviting. He was a big kid - always playful, always joking around. If u knew him- u loved him...He was impossible to hate. That's why i know the next few weeks, months, and even years will be extremely difficult and incomplete now that he has passed away. I'll miss him more than he'll ever know- more than anyone will ever know. No matter what i say or write- u still can't grasp how much this man meant to me.  I kick myself for all the things i never did and all the things i never told him....now it's too late.

 It's been a week of unimaginable pain, inconsolable sorrows and unbelievable heartache. I feel as if there is an emptiness that looms around me as well as a void inside of me. I don't cry often but i feel no shame in telling u that the past few days i've cried more than i ever thought possible. I was a snotty, buggary, blubbering mess and something tells me the tears arent gone yet. I guess i was blessed the past 22 years without ever experiencing a loss of this magnitude. But somehow u're never prepared for it. He was only 60 years old and he passed away from a suspected heart attack as he was raking leaves. Its still hard to look at those words and not have my eyes well up with tears.

When i said Big things in '06 i never envisioned this. It only took 9 days for 2006 to beome the worst year of my life....I just want to say- I love you Uncle Phil...I loved u so so much. I'll never forget you.

I'll write more when i feel up to it.