Out With The Old..In with the New

After "living" through 23 years on this earth i know that it's getting harder and harder to remember things. The years always seem to blend into 1 another.. and faces and names are starting to vanish from my head like its a David Blaine trick. So as yet another year comes to an end, it's time to reflect for a moment and reminisce about all the happenings of the past year...before we forget all about it. Only a few memories come to my mind but that doesn't mean the year was a waste... In fact, I've got to say that 2005 was a rather significant year for me. I was able to achieve some major personal goals in route to taking the first step towards adulthood..

Here are a just a few things that happened this year... I went to my first basketball game, went to a PROM (has to be in caps), Jury duty, the S-o-X, graduated HOFSTRA, was in a wedding party, hittin up the bars, Cape Cod (amazing!), Atlantic City, Jets training camp, fire pit at Bert's house, quit Saf-t-Swim, started at Canon USA, "knife to the heart"(i'm an idiot!!), and Atlantic City yet again. It was a good year....then again, '05 wasn't just grins and giggles..i had a lot of family issues which kind of offset the mood a little bit...BUT thats life- right? we don't live in a perfect world so u have to embrace the good and push away the bad...i know its cliche but i guess i have kind of a Hallmark outlook on life.

Movie Picks...The top 5 of '05.....1-Sin City,(possibly the best movie ever) 2- Cinderella Man, (Oscar worthy) 3- Wedding Crashers (hysterical), 4- Hitch, (i got nothing to back this up..i just remember liking it) 5- Mr and Mrs Smith.(Angelina looked good). (NOTE: i didn't see King Kong or 40 year old virgin but they probably would take the 4th and 5th spot). Worst movie of the year-  Aeon Flux, followed closely by Constantine. 

So with this year practically behind us,  lets take a look ahead...As of this moment, i don't have any big plans yet for new years eve...although im hoping something falls into place real real soon. Any suggestions??? If i'm watching Dick Clark with mom and Dad- the balls not the only thing that's gonna drop if u know what i mean (and if u do ur smarter than i am cuz i don't even get that). However i do have some set plans for 2006..i'm not a psychic but i do see big things.....BIG THINGS in '06 lol...not really i just tell myself that. The real plan is to stay statusquo. If my life were a sports franchise the next few years would have to be considered "rebuilding years". I got to start prepping for the future. These steps include saving as much money as possible, and even going back to college for my masters. ..but that doesn't mean- i cant have fun this year. I am all set to go on a cruise later this year, AC again... and who knows what else- im in as long as its logical and i can get off work... It's times like now where u really understand what looking at the "opportunity cost" is all about..Its not always about utilitarianism. Much like Miss independent, Kelly Clarkson, i too don't stray too far from the sidewalk. Did i lose u? Basically i wanna stay on track while still managing to have fun- its possible!!

If i were to make 1 resolution this coming year- it would have to be...to be more personable. I think my quietness is mistaken for anger and really that's not the case. In most cases i'm actually a pretty nice person but it take quite some time for me to open up....I'd like to change that. i want to be more bubbly than champagne...Its definitely somethign i'm gonna have to work on- i have to open up and change my old way of thinking.  Thats my first priority..i think taking my self off block was a good first step. I also wanna get in great shape this year- its a goal every year but damn it, i mean it this time lol. I think my upper body has improved a little so now its time to focus on the lower region...aka, the gut! I'm gonna try and spend some long hours working to get in tip top shape...so lets see how long i last before i say fuck it, turn on the tv and eat raw cookie dough.....I also may finally get the lasik surgery done- Lord knows i need it. Its getting to the point where i need to carry pocket binoculars to sneak a peek at the ladies lol. Speaking of which, i think the last thing (actually the first thing) i'd like to achieve this year is finally getting a g/f. I know this was my resolution last year and i failed..I'll admit it, i definitely failed- its not easy to find good girls..i did meet a grea girl but it dint work out...but with more and more of my friends occupied on Friday nites- i find myself in need of somewhere to go and some1 to love lol. So now this year- there are no excuses. Do i have options- ehhh i guess but i honestly don't think i found the right girl yet (or i should sayhavent found the right single girl).. i still hold out hope lol...i know a lot of great girls but for whatever reason- i don't feel it would work out....and why waste time?? one day, hopefully soon i'll meet her and we'll be set.  I have set down a mental time frame that i'd like to have a g/f by but i know that's kinda stupid cuz its not really something u can plan...So i guess i'll just keep going through life as i am and hope that everything works out for the best.

In achieving all this i know i'm gonna have to spend a lot less time on the computer- cuz god knows its ruining my life. As a result i probably wont be writing as many journals. I'm not giving it up all together but i am going to try my best to make better use of my time. If it doesn't work out- I'll be back here- so you'll know if i stuck to it or not.Wish me luck.

Here are some random things that i hope happen in 06- 1- my sports teams get better....(I can't imagine them getting any worse). 2- Kanye West gets beaten up reallly, really, really, really bad. I know what ur thinking - why not just wish death upon that cocky no talent son of a buzzard- well i'll tell you why. His death would spark outrage amung assholes and idiots everywhere...and they would glorify him as if he was the next john lenon (kinda like they did with tupac). But really- he isn't, he's annoying like the bealtes (not the band, the insects)....3-The US troops come home safe (no joke there)  4- telaporting finally becomes a reality 5- pro wrestling becomes an Olympic sport 6- homosexuality becomes extinct when scientists realize gay people are clinically insane. 7- Wendy's comes out with a 50 cents menu, 8- they stop making American pie movies...i'll stop there but believe me i have so many more wishes for the new year....

My last wish is that I hope everyone has a healthy and safe new year!! I hope everyone experiences BIG THINGS in 06!! (see i'm really trying to be a positive person)

Dec. the Halls

I don't know how many more journals I'll be able to squeeze in before the new year so i figured i'd add a little bit more today and pretty much whenever i can. I know i'd like to have 1 more large blog to kind of tie this year in a little bow...but we'll see if time allows it...obviously today is not the day. Today i'd rather focus my self professed "busy month."

Let me start by saying that I HATE December. I hate this month almost as much as i hate terrorism, diseases and Kanye West.... December's like the kid who got picked last in gym class. If December  was personified it be the Bladwin brother that no1 really cares for ....or for my black friends, it's the Sean Wayans of months.

 First of all it's cold, and im talking brutally cold. What's sad is that the weather has just started to change and and i'm already starting my winter rant. The thing is I just know its gonna get a lot worse before it gets better. Don't get me wrong, I like wearing sweaters but  lets get real- if i don't have to shiver like a leaf on a dying tree- i'd prefer not to. Waking up early and defrosting the car sux  more than words can describe. Everyday i mutter obscenities as i scrape the ice off the windshield. Furthermore, I really loathe the people who say "i love the snow"....i always act really surprised but what i really mean to say is "Aww that's b/c ur an idiot...Move to Antartica". These people are usually females and don't lift a finger when its time to shovel. I hate to stereotype but that's just what i've noticed. Basically if you love the snow - ur not out there enough...and driving in it is chaos. I think driving on a sunny day can be dangerous- adding snow is like adding bazookas to a friendly paintball game.

But another reason i don't like December is because of the holidays. During the year I don't go shopping b/c i never know what to get myself...but now i gotta do my best john edwards impression and pick something for people i don't really know..I dont mind getting gifts for family cuz well..they're family!!! But people from work and neighbors and ...this holiday is out of control. Are we forgetting that this holiday is built on a lie?? I'm not even talking about the so called "jolly fat man". But since you brought it up- Why do we have to lie to these kids- I think telling them that Mommy and Daddy bought the presents would make the kids respect his/her parents more than giving all the credit to a bushy bearded miracle man with a magic slay. I'm talking about the "virgin" Mary. Unless her full name is Mary Houdini... I just don't get it. But every year i am forced to partake in the gift giving. I have to go to the mall and push my way through like i'm at a metallica concert. AND What is with the store greeters in every store?? "Hello, how are you...need any help" STFU!!! I cant help but think "Aren't there any other jobs you can be doing, are u really getting paid for this??" I swear to god i hate it- i purposely pick up clothes that i'd never wear unfold them as if i am interested in making a purchase and drop them...basically saying "here, do something and fold this!!" (for those of you who witnessed my blunder "Jesus died on christmas" i am certainly embarassed... i have gone through years and years of religious instruction and u'd think i'd know that x-mas was his birthday...haha-thanks Wildes--i suck)

Another reason i hate December (and so should you) is b/c i was born on this vile month. Every December I feel older and older and it sucks. The good times are over- i only have social security and retirement to look forward to.  My friends know the deal by now and they dont even acknowledge my birthday. I think pretty much everyone knows the date (i tried my hardest to keep it a secret but somehow the secret got out) which is fine as long as i don't get any special attention. i don't like to be singled out- i'm no better than anyone else so why should i have my own special day??

But with age comes change- a man who thinks the same at 23 years old as he did when he was 18 has wasted 5 years of his life...I like to think i haven't wasted my life. I think i have changed-maybe not dramatically but definitely a little bit..I've gotten a little mentally tougher...and a bit more hateful. I still am nicest to know- i just know a lot less people. I remember deleting my entire buddy list as kind of a social experiment to see who my true friends were.  I dont want to go into the long process but i basically kept myself on block for the entire 5 years..up until now. I dont think i need to block people anymore- it's time to grow up. It's time for more growing, more changes...2006...Stay Tuned

A Prepared Statement

I give my friends a lot of credit b/c I realize that holding down a conversation with me is no simple task. Sometimes I have trouble expressing myself verbally and others times i just don't have anything to say. So 1 on 1 chats with me can be more one-sided than a Tyson fight. I try and add my 2 cents whenever possible but i still feel its never enough . I guess i'm kind of a human fortune cookie in a way b/c I have little tidbits of wisdom which i share with people but never fully elaborate on. That's why this journal thingy is so great- it gives me a chance to speak on things. I know I've kinda been slackin a little but that's a direct result of lack of time and material. However i now have an abundance of both- so lets get down and dirty.

"He who fails to plan, should plan to fail" - I've always loved this quote b/c its a philosophy i subscribe to. I'm a planner. I plan everything from my daily chores to my retirement. ie-When its cold out i bring a jacket and gloves, when i don't know where i'm going i get there extra early, I even have quarters tucked away in my wallet- just in case. i liked to be prepared for anything and everything. I guess i kinda look at things on a grand scale. I don't wanna brag but i feel like i have the ability and foresight to see the big picture. That's the gift God gave me-(yeah thanks GOD!! I couldn't be great at basketball or crazy intelligent- no this is my gift). I am grateful though b/c i know a lot of people have it in fact some people scoff at my beliefs. They like to live day to day and minute by minute. As i said before i sketch things out and look at the big picture- these people take it piece by piece and paint by numbers. It really fascinates me/boggles my mind. I'm not saying i'm better than them- i'm just saying that we are on totally different frequencies. My friend recently blasted me for lacking spontaneity and he's right. I'm more predictable than a Hollywood break up but u know what i don't care. My ex girlfriend did but i dont!!! I'd rather be prepared for my future than wondering what tomorrow will bring. He's great though- he's living life to the fullest and he's got dreams and aspirations that make Bill Gates jealous. I guess the reason i am so future oriented is b/c i still haven't figured out what i want to do with my life. Yeah im doing ok for now but i dont know if i'm going to work for Canon my whole life. I'm just bulding a foundation...My friend knows what he wants to do and he knows there is plenty of money there for him so that's prob why hes so care free. He recently went on rant about how hes organizing a road trip cross country. He's going to buy a bus, pimp it out and hit the highway...That's something I'd never do for the sole reason- its not financially smart. We had a long chat and i told him my concerns- he's aware of them all and he still wants to do it. The only thing i can say to that is that i wish him him. It's been a dream of his and if he can make it a reality than thats fantastic. My only dream was to be a pro wrestler and that dream died about the same time Owen Hart did. I traded in my dreams for a cubicle and number 2 pencils..but i'm doing fine.

My self esteem is making a slow climb towards normality. I've been puttering on empty for almost four years now but all it took were a few compliments and now im cruising. I dont know why but these things always seem to happen in bunches- and btw..when did the word "bunches" become gay??? I got crucified for saying that word but u know what- im gonna keep saying b/c its a fun word....bunches of fun....anyway i remember working at k-mart and having a little fan club but its been years since then. And i think time has def hurt me more than it has helped. So I really dont know whats going on- im waiting for ashton kutcher to pop out and act all stupid that way things can get back to what im used to. But i hope something good comes out of it.

Things at Canon are going well. Last Thursday was Secret Santa day..i know it sounds a bit on the homosexual side but it wasn't too bad. It was equipped with FREE pizza (multiple toppings available) and Starbucks!! Plus we also had free cake!! it was most enjoyable. Little FYi- apparently secret santa means don't put your name on the card..it's supposed to be a mystery- i didnt know that. This coming thursday is another holiday party with homemade dishes- so i'm gonna have to enlist my bro to cook up something good.

Well thats enough for today- i have so much more to say but i'll save it for another time.

 

Comment Bored

Have you ever been in a situation that pissed you off so fucking much that you can't even fathom it. You get so fucking angry you have to control yourself with every remaining ounce of strength. You wanna yell, you wanna scream, you wanna break some skulls. You pace up and down and watch tv but you're really not watching tv at all. To divert attention you actually laugh as an emotional escape to hide the frustrations. No? Nobody can relate? Well it doesn't happen often but to me, it happens. In fact that is my current mind frame as i'm writing this. I can't even explain it or justify my anger b/c i know it will be shrugged off and filed under the category of "no big deal" but to me it is. I know i tend to be a little over sensitive and i realize that this may be a prime example but at the same time i do feel somewhat disrespected and for that no excuse will do. I don't even think its worth bringing up b/c like Mary J blidge- I don't want no more drama in my life.

So lets switch gears like Lance Armstrong.

Let me put you in another scenario, hopefully this one will ring a bell.... Have you ever said or muttered the phrase "i don't care what people think of me"...yeah u know u have. Everyone says it but the fact is- EVERYONE CARES. You might not respect the person enough to validate his or her opinion but you still wanna know how you're perceived. I know I've said that i don't care what people think- i seem to live by that attitude but its not true. In the past few weeks I've heard 2 comments that really took me off guard and made me scratch my head like a circus chimp. They aren't mean spirited or meant to cause me anger..just comments said in passing that i didn't expect...The first comment came from someone at my old stomping grounds, s-t-s. She's relatively new there but i worked with her on a couple of occasions and have seen her a bunch of times. So she has  developed a perception of me...With that being said she's also14 years old. Fourteen year olds aren't usually looked upon for their wisdom but in any case- she made a comment....and as everyone knows, getting insulted is never easy to take but for some reason it tends to sting a little bit more when your getting dissed on by someone who isn't old enough to ride the bumper cars. This fourteen year girl said to me "Oh you'll never get married." What balls, right??? lol Definitely not theworst thing that's been said to me but it still stung. I guess it stung b/c i feel their is some truth in it. It wouldn't have hurt if i didn't find it a credible criticism. I know have issues... some minor, some major and i need to overcome them or I'll find myself- just like i am right now...cranky and alone.

The next comment was certainly a welcomed one..it was said by in essence, a complete and utter stranger. Side bar: I don't know if you guys noticed this but quotes from random people seem to be more effecting than things said by people u know. Like when a family member compliments u- its like whatever- their family... but when a stranger says "nice shirt" your face lights up with excitement...you go home and wash it immediately and can't wait to wear it again....Anyway back to the quote, if i may indulge myself ... "He (me) is so good looking"...Now i could be mistaken- but if that was truly said to me- it not only made my day but  also the bulk of my work week. I was walking around town whistling and shit. Actually laughing about it. I mean, really???? I've been called a lot of things by a lot of people- but good looking isn't ringing many bells. Good looking? yeah perhaps compared to a burn victim. People are strange. But whatever, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder...and she might have a glass eye-( i don't really know).It  was an uplifting comment though and i felt i should share it with you- hopefully u get as much humor out of it as i did.

I'm really bored but i'm not in the mood to continue so i'm gonna stop it right here.

Let's Talk Turkey

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and i don't know about you guys but i always look forward to this holiday. I like thanksgiving more than x-mas and I know this goes against popular opinion but i see Christmas as more of a childhood fantasy than a holiday (although i love x-mas eve). If you couldn't tell by now- i'm not a big fan of attention or even gifts- i'd rather be the one doing the giving. Thanksgiving is all about giving...its about giving thanks... So even though i feel like God looks at me as his own personal toilet at times, i still feel the need to give thanks b/c i know it could be a lot worse. 

I can go on a long tirade about how people take their lives, and the people in their lives for granted. I know we're all guilty of this but my focus would remain on the spoiled, jappy people who seem to "need" everything and don't realize that their needs are actually lavish and extravagant wants....and then i can segway into the fact that i hate these people..but i'm not gonna do that. Too little time, too much to say....so you can all give thanks to god about that tomorrow while sucking down on a drum stick. You were spared my lecture. But instead, i just want to wish everyone a happy thanksgiving and i urge everyone within my reach to really sit down and think about what you're thankful for.

Here is a brief list of what i'm thankful for (besides the obvious things that everyone should be thankful for) For one- the gift of sight. My eyes aren't great but i can't imagine a world without my peepers. Being able to see my shows every week is what helps me get through life. I mean really take the time to think about it. Blind people (from birth) have absolutely no idea what colors are- they have no idea what a rainbow looks like, or what a hot chick looks like. They'll never know how beautiful a sunny day can be, or how picture perfect a holiday turkey can look. On the flip side- they dont have to look at the uglyness of blood, war and Geraldo Rivera, so i guess their is a positive spin on everything. They can't even see in their dreams!!! They have no idea what it's like to see so their dreams are auditary. How crazy is that??? Can u imagine dreaming sounds!!! Its wild! ANother thing i'm thankful for- is the food i eat. Yeah my mom sees to go hamburger and hot dog crazy in the summer time but i still have a wide variety of food options. I have the ability to go out and get food whenever i want- poor starving people dont have that. Just a little something to help ur wheels start turning.

With all the thanksgiving talk out of the way, let me back track a little bit and talk about my trip to AC. Defiantly a good time, but how could it not be.... I was with friends and we were out of Long Island- Bob Ross couldn't have painted a better picture (no matter how many happy little trees he added). But the one down side was that it was a little too short.. Next time we gotta overnight it cuz we were all kinda tired and not having a hotel room forces u to gamble away all ur money. The room can act as a safety net and besides that, its where most of the fun happens. The party don't stop in the city they call Atlantic. But anyway- it was fun and definitely a good way to celebrate Gina and Brad's birthdays...although they kind lost..but Simeone won!! As for my performance- ehhhh not so hot- i lost yet again..I think i'm like 0 for 27 so far but i still feel like I'll have my moment of glory....My frustrations started within the first half hour there and stuck with me the whole time...im still pretty pissed off about it. Let me explain,  i brought some quarters to drop in the slots..and not just any slots- wheel of fortune- my slot of choice. So i see 3 machines not in use, its rare cuz everyone loves to spin the wheel, so i pick the 1 right in the middle. I start playing and with every quarter i drop the anticipation gets bigger...then an elderly lady comes and sits to my right. Side bar: Why do old people gamble anyway- their prime is behind them.. they should be knitting blankets and baking cookies. Gambling isn't an efficient way for old people to use their money.  Social security isn't much these days. But anyway- within 3 pulls of the machine granny wins 2700 quarters!!! I was happy for her at first but as the music continued to play and the quarters started accumulating- i got more and more pissed. That could have been me, damn it!!! I was gonna football tackle her and run away but i held it together. I just wanna win once, i wanna hit the jackpot...i don't care if it isn't millions- i'd be satisfied with $350 or better...just something to make the trip feel like a success. But the Lord just won't allow it. He likes to dangle that carrot in front of me but he'd rather see me starve than take a bite of happiness. Freekin God, and freekin damn dirty filthy Slots!

Wellthats all for now- i know this 1 is kinda short entry but i gotta get ready for "the craziest night of the year"...I'll see u all soon... Have a happy and healthy holiday and enjoy the bird.

Welcome to the Suck

"Welcome to the suck". Those of you who saw the movie jarhead probably recognize that quote, but for me it holds a very special meaning. Those words speak volumes. That little montra will be printed on my "welcome mat" as kind of a warning to all those who dont know the hell that lies behinds that door. It could also be the title of my autobiography or the soundtrack to my life. Obviously i'm not serious, but i sometimes feel the need to explain that.  I've noticed these little editorials are getting more and more depressing and i dont want people thinking that i'm like 1 spam email away from going over the edge...i'm sane- i swear. If u know me you realize that i'm the happiest s.ob. this side of the looney bin. I just seem to focus on the stuff that bothers me as sort of an emotional release. Don't judge me...we all have our quirks. Anyway lets try and stay positive today- onto bigger and beeter things.  

And what's bigger and better than Atlantic City? If you said Vegas or Cancun ur probably right but -ur ruining my point..i'm going back to Jersey, the sunshine state- (some1 double check that for me)! I know i was just there 2 weeks ago but what can i say? The Donald is calling my name, so I'm loading up the pockets with all the loose change i can find and im heading back there Saturday. Again, i kid, i keeed. Im not going because i'm a degenerate gambler although that doesn't help.... The big reason is b/c it's Gina's birthday (and Brad's too- his was Weds).  So hopefully mike comes too otherwise...i'l be third wheelin' it all the way to AC with Brad and Gina. It's not like i haven't done that before though...whatever I'm looking forward to it.  

I haven't told my parents i'm going to AC yet though. My communication with my parents is very limited...it's sad but it's really the only thing that keeps me from rockin a straight jacket. For some reason telling my parents things is like planning a war. I have to be very methodical with how and when i drop the bomb. I'm not one of those people who can't wait to move out- i like my house and i like not paying for things..i'm not stupid. Now is the time to prepare for the future- not start it. And don't get it twisted either- i do help out when i can. I go food shopping and do some shizzle around the house. But what i hate is that everytime i step footin the house after a rather long day of work and traffic (i know its not too bad of a commute..but their is traffic) my dad is right there asking annoying questions about my day. I need some time to unwind, atleast a second. I need privacy- i need some friggen oxygen. Not only that, but i dont like talking about how my day at work went...For me its another day another dollar. You think he'd understand that- but he doesn't and he gets PISSED...It's like when your parents used to ask you how ur day at school went..you always said "fine" and that was it...actually i always said that and assumed it was like that in every family...that is every family not named Mirenda lol. But i never said, "oh school was great, i learned this, this and this..." Thats not my steez- and it never will be. You're lucky if u get more than 2 words out of me on a subjected im excited about... but my family doesnt see that. They ask me to talk for hours like Larry King or something.  

 I'm really pissed off at myself (i know i said i wasnt going down this route but consider this a slight detour). I wanted to go to Chili's yesterday to see my old boss Michelle. She hasnt been out with the old S-t-s crew since she became pregnant. So it was kind of a big deal. But like an asshole i went to lay down for a bit  before getting ready and before u know it, i was out like a fuckin light. I slept right through phone calls and everything. I woke up this morning so pissed off. I went in the bathroom and staired at myself with hate in my eyes. I know its not the end of the world, and i'm sure she wasn't upset at me but i would have wanted to be there- atleast for an hour or so just to say hi and tell her that i miss workin with her. I'm still kinda pissed actually (its 12:33 pm- im writing this during my lunch break cuz i dont know if i'll have time to write 1 later tonite).

   Last weekend i got a Case of the Ex. To be totally honest...i'm not really sure what that means, i just know i heard it in a song or somewhere. Let me explain what i want it to mean... Last weekend I went to go pick up some pictures from my local convenient store, CVS. For years i avoided CVS like it was a shark filled ocean. Even though its like not even 3 minutes away, and couldnt be more convenient....i always feared of getting caught in an awkward confrontation/conversation.But now I likegoing to CVS..pretty much everyone from high school has moved on so it's safe to go back in the waters..Now adays the only one i see from time to time is Mike Levy and he's good people. He keeps the convos quick and painless, plus hes looking to leave too. So anyway, there i was picking up some pictures when all of a sudden i see my ex girlfriend's best friend (i had not counted on seeing her). She also works their but in the pharmacy section. So i said hello and we had a 5 minute chat...not bad..she seemed excited to see me but i'll never understand why....so if that wasn't excitement enough. I then went food shopping and i bumped into my ex's little sister and grandma. Oh and by the way- i couldnt have looked more unpresentable if i took an axe to my face. I had a  thick beard and was wearing crusty clothes...i looked like a homeless chuck norris. but in my own defense, its the weekend- i dont go style, i go comfy. It's what i do...They were probably like- "oh wow, mike looks like he's gone to hell since he broke up with Jen"...but whateves...let them think that...the fact is i was in hell way before i broke up with her. But anyway back to the story-These convos were of course, then followed up by a phone call with Jen where we caught up a little bit....I was reminded of the past, both- the good and the bad times...we then spoke again the next day online briefly. Its not a reunion, just more of touching base. I dont see things ever being the way they were between us- we've reached the point of no return. But their is no ill will there. Atleast not on my side- u never no with chix...and that basically concludes the Case of the ex.

Let me end this journal with a brief commentary on Eddie Guererro. For those of you who don't know him- he was a wrestler that died earlier this week due to heart failure. I obviously didnt know him personally but like with every wrestler that enters the WWE, i let them into my home every week- so i kinda feel like i know them a little bit. Like i said I used to watch him every week on TV..i followed his career for years..I saw him rise from a mid carder to a main event caliber wrestler...his transformation was joy to watch but now i unfortunately dont have that luxury. I'll be the first to admit i though, I wasn't the biggest Eddie Guererro fan but their was no denying his abilities in the ring and on the mic. He had a love for wrestling that was obvious to anyone who watched him. He gave the crowd a show and was always entertaing. I have a great deal of respect and admiration for him and even though his death was proably due too his own ignorance- via drugs, alcohol, and/or steriods- its still a tragedy. Viva La Razzza.

VIEWER MAIL

By now you're all familiar with why i started this journal, so i'll spare u the history lesson. I know their is nothing more boring than hearing the same stories over and over again. My grandfather loves to tell me the story of how he "watched the fights last night"- everytime i see him its a different fight but ironically enough the same story. By the end of the night he's snoring on the couch which leads me to believe that he only says that story to bore himself to sleep. But anyway, at the risk of boring you guys with some repittion....here we go....when i started this mama jamma, i only knew of a couple of people that actually took the time to read it. It was kinda like top secret shit, i remember describing it as "like fight club." (BTW- u know ur a loser when u start to quote urself)... i liked a small audience b/c i knew i didnt have to tip toe around border line contovercial subjects. I could shoot from the hip, tell it like it is, bite the bullet or whatever 1960's expression u wanna use. I didnt sugar coat anything and i spoke about whatever i wanted no matter how embarassing or evil they may have sounded. That's kinda why I didnt promote it. You never saw an e-mail with the link and i never  threw it on my away message. I simply created a link somewhere and had people find it on their own. If they liked it great, if not- even better. But now it seems like the secret is out. I've assembled a small army of viewers. Ehh, maybe thats the wrong choice of words- What army, besides the Swiss, is in the high single digits? it may seem humorous to u guys but its a significant amount for me.  I dont have 100 people on my buddy list, i have a fraction of that. To make a long story short, basically all im saying is that i didnt know how may people wasted part of their days reading this. I'm still gonna try and be as truthful as i can, i just hope u guys enjoy readin it.

So with all that being said i'm going in a different route today. The Talk Soup route, b/c I'm taking the time to answer some viewer mail. That's right kiddies, we are going interactive today. I'm not gonna name names but i'm going to retort or some of the comments that have been said about me or to me. Are u ready cuz here we go....

Topic 1- I'm "too hard" on myself...I'm not gonna spend too muych time on this topic b/c i feel its rather stupid. i write how i feel, if i'm depressed mywritting is going to come off that way. Sometimes i say things in jest and arent meant to be taken literally..but i'll grant u one thing my self esteem was never high to begin with. It's a genetic defect like down syndrome...i'm just ugly on the inside..which is a perfect segway for topic 2.... 

Topic 2- Apparently  i'm "gong to hell" for some of the stuff i wrote...I really didnt get an exact quote on what he or she was referring to but it could have been my love for snipers, feelings on suicide, or maybe my haterd for "my arch nemisis"...All decent points however i think i have a better counterpoint.... I'm not going to say i was only kidding with some of the stuff i say cuz theirs always that 1 person who says "with every joke their is some truth to it" and i do agree with that...kind of, i alluded to it before....but my main counterpoint is....I was voted nicest to know in high school lol j/k. Although i do feel, if i'm going to hell- im going to see all of you bastards there eventually!!! (God forbid)...Truthfully, I'm not going to hell. I think the Lord owes that to me. I've taken too much of people's shit not to get a free pass into heaven. I'm telling you right now if i am in Hell it's b/c heaven was too cold and i wanted to get some heat....  I really feel that I live my life in a very decent manner. For example, I dont get road rage, I say god bless you when people sneeze,  and i don't give store employees attitudes when somethings not in stock. The bottom line is I try and be as pollite as possible towards my fellow species. If everyone lived that way- i think this world would be a much better place. A lot of people do much worse than what  i say/write. Their is a big difference between wishing somone was "shot in the face with a bazooka" than actually going out and doing it. I'm not a do-er, i don't even do the dew. I'm a paper warrior but a human punching bag..and if God doesn't reward me for that..their is going to be trouble...I mean really- if i wind up in the same place as dirtbags and rapists- I'm gonna be pretty damn pissed..too bad i wont be able to write abut it.

Topic 3- I guess people thought i was kidding when i said i dont want love advice...yeah- kinda not kidding....in fact i couldnt be more serious if i was howard stern (get it sirius?.ehhh??). If i wanted advice i'd ask Dear Abby or Dr. Ruth Brothers...on second thought- no i wouldnt...and can we talk bout them for a second. Obviously i'm not old enough to know what they looked like when they were young. I hope to hell they were attractive otherwise it makes their jobs even less credible, but take it from me...people who write long drawn out pieces of literature every week are not experts in love their not experts on anything. If anything they are the loneliest people in the world. I'm living proof....But back to my original point, I dont want to get hooked up with a friend of urs, a sister or anyone. The fact is I had my eyes on someone who i deemed as special,  it didnt happen and that's it...I'll live and i'll probably love again....although i'm not too optimistic about that. But i have found a way too embrace being single..i would even venture to say that being unattached is proably the best thing for me. Why? well its not the fact that i'm home again on a friday nite but b/c I get to save some money and create a nice little nest for the future...I know real estate and engagement rings are expensive so i'd like to be able to have something for the future. I' m a planner...thats what i'm about. My new years resolution/year plan was to graduate from college, get a job and get a g/f....2 out of 3 aint bad. But I'm not saying my eyes are closed to love but my ears are. I dont want any advice/help...I'll do it my way and i'm sure one day it'll all click together...hows that for optimism.

The last and final topic is Myspace.... Holy shit has this thing taken off or what? People have suggested that i "join" which right there kinda turns me off. I dont wanna "join" anything... unless its the Jessica Alba fan club. The whole concept of me being part of a large network of people looking for new friends is the complete antithesis of what i've been preaching all these years. Its very similar to a Catholic priest giving a hand job to a gay man while reading the koran...I dont wanna meet new people- i'm already trying to avoid people i know. Besides as it is i spend way too much time online and from what i've seen..myspace is an addiction. And this goes for all u facebookers too- its all the same shit...but i dont wanna piss all over ur parade b/c i understand it. I'm not gonna lie i've logged on under my friends name and i checked it out- i can see what the buzz is about. Plus i know dating is tough- its like a desert out there. So if u wanna try this- good for u- best of luck to u. But-I just dont want throw my picture up there and be part of the madness..Every guy has the same picture. They just did 100 push ups and then run to the camera and snap a quick "check me out" pic...The girls always try and be sexy and their is always that 1 mirror shot with the flash on.  In my humble opinion Myspace is a fad, it's the modern day snap-bracelet or the tail..remember that god awful thing??- In fourth grade the back of everyone's heads looked like a Billy Ray Sirus concert..but thats all it is to me and i dont wanna get rapped up in it.

Got My Mind Right

Got my mind right, money right,  ready for war- AC was MURDAAAAAAAAA! hahaha financially it was murder but atleast i got my mind right. Still..if i was black i'd have to say "the trip be fuckin' off the chains, know what im sayin', poppin' like u know what im sayin', for real fo sure."...eh  know what i'm saying?

First things first. I just skimmed my last couple of entries and i am actually pretty damn embarassed. I feel as if i was acting like an over-dramatic bitch about my whole situation, but thankfully i think i finally got my head screwed on straight. Whatever happens, happens and that's it. That's my newly adopted philosophy... its comforting...kinda like a best friend . But unlike any adpted person i ever met, i love my new friend. I really do feel 10 times better about life right now.  Several things helped contributed to my realization, but i have to say the main contributing factor would have to be my short but insanely enjoyable weekend in AC. It was without a doubt the best weekend get away i've had in years....which isn't saying much considering i'm home more than an elderly lady on bed rest ... but I mean it, it was a hella good time. To illustrate my point, I was on the 40th floor and never once did i think about a suicide jump, so you know i was ok. (i've been on step stools before and planned my death route).

My faithful readers know better than anyone how stressed i was, but while i was away i didnt think about it once. Their is always stuff going on there- i know NYC is called the "city that never sleeps" but i think AC deserves that title. We were eating a buffet at like 4 in the morning- right before we went to bed. NyC is also called the melting pot but i think Ac also shares that title. Their is a wide variety of people in AC. You can be sitting next to a rich man in expensive suits and across from a bum with duct tape across his sleeves. Next time i go im wearing the whackiest outfit i can find cuz no1 cares!!! I think NYC should stick with its lesser known title of "the city thats grimier than a homeless man's balls." Atlantic City is grimey too but atleast the casinos are nice to look at...and they have security. I am very proud to call myself a New Yawker, dont get me wrong... and I enjoy an occasional visit into the city, but when i walk the city streets i got my wallet in 1 hand and my hammer in the other. It's a jungle out there. AC, or atleast the board walk, isnt nearly as bad.. it's busy and fast paced but its also got a calmness to it. Thats really what i went for. i like to gamble but more than anything i wanna relax and thats what AC is all about.  The trip is hard to sum up in a paragraph but i'll do it the best i can.

The trip:  I couldn't sleep much friday nite- (still havent for that matter) i was like a 4 years old on christmas eve filled with anxious anticipation for what was ahead. Scott came to pick me up at 10am but i was ready at like 8. We both were so psyched to leave long island and return to the tables.  When we fianlly arrived we met up with James..and he lead us to our room where Wildes and his friend tara were....(They had already arrived on friday). As everyone knows i dont make friends easy- so i wasn't sure about this chick but, within i'd say 8 seconds i knew this girl was cool...i'll get into that later though... So after we got settled we all walked the board walk to get our $1 pizza and 75 cent hotdogs while listening to some homless guy sing his hit song "put the money in the bucket." i'm not gonna lie- he was pretty good. I'd rather listen to him than kanye waest.. but- i dont like to gawk at homeless people, even if they are performing. For some reason i get discusted by watching it. I feel that i'd personally prefer death than to publicly beg for money and i cant see how every1 else doesnt share that same belief. So i made my way over to the other side of the board walk and waited for everyone else. Once he was done we then kinda all went our own ways and did the gambling thing. I saw the poker room and it was packed tighter than my luggage..that freaks me out. I like a dead room, i feel like too much could go wrong in a busy room. So i decided to hit the slots and baby i hit 'em hard. I, accompanied by tara, played wheel of fortune- my slot of choice. I won 125 bucks quick but little by little i gave it all back. Once we finished slottin it up, we then went back to the room and watched old school. Later that night we went to the showboat and entered a 50 dollar tournament. It was atleast an 80 man tournament (8 tables...10 people a table). I hate tourney's cuz it takes an aggressive person to win and im not that guy but i did pretty well...i lasted about 5hrs and placed 18th. Eight awayfrom the money. I'm more than pleased with that performance. Other than that it was a series of highs and lows for me. Won some, lost more, in the end i dropped a couple of bills but it was well worth it. i had a blast!! James and Scott each won a $500 tournament but no-one was a big winner.

 The reason it was so much fun was definately cuz of the group. Of course i wish all my friends made the trip, but i wouldnt substitute anyone. I was grinning like an idiot the whole time b/c of the shananagins that wildes, james and scott were doing. And that girl tara was a freakin gamer.... She didnt drag the trip down at all, besides that she was a good person...reminded me of myself...i know thats kind of a self compliment but its true. In fact, i've never met anyone i've had more in common with in my life. We even baught the same dinky 4.99 camera from CVS. She was like a fun, female version of me...I'm reminded of that seinfeld where he dates his female/bizzaro version....just we werent dating ...and i'm not funny....i guess its nothing like it.

But thats it- it was a great time. Just what the doctor ordered. We had fun and held nothing back..except Stewie who is freazing his balls off right now. An inside joke for those who were there, but not a funny 1 so dont feel left out...I really didnt wanna leave AC but unfortantely we had to. Hopefully we'll all go back soon.

Pathetic Weekly

I've been debating about what to write about. Do I elaborate on my past 2 entries and go deeper into my emotions or do i go back to the old style, a style in which i'm much more comfortable with. The choice is rather obvious i suppose. I hate to leave you guys hangin, but to be honest- i just dont want to think about things anymore. I have had more deep thoughts than Jack Handy lately and i'll give u a little insight..it didnt help. Like i said before, i dont have any bad feelings toward anyone other than myself.

It would've been a Meg Ryan marathon weekend, but instead of letting my mangina get the best of me, i'm gonna man up. I'm heading down to Atlantic city tomorrow to throw my money away. It's probably not the best choice for a weekend get away but i don't care, it's certainly better than staying home and listening to a mix tape. Dr Nyer perscribed this for me and it's doctor's orders.

Speaking of doctors....I woke up a week ago glowing and not in a good way. I was literally glowing- like rudolph. My nose had grown several inches and was redder than the ass cheeks of naughty little boy....A familiar problem as God likes to slip me the finger every so often....And  after trying several different remedies to no avail...I went to my local indian pharmisist and he's said (in broken english) that it's not a pimple but rather "a severe skin irritation". He said that its possible i got it from wearing a mask on halloween, i dont think so, but who knows..my snout hasn't been the same since bert's party. But anyway- this med school graduate tells me the best thing for it is let it breathe. no cream, no cover up lotion- nothing, just further humiliation for another week or so.

I know i dont have to tell you all how pathetic i am.. you guys already know it. I wrote the book on the subject, in fact ur actually subscibers to "Pathetic Weekly". Let's be honest- these journals are toungue and cheek but any1 can write them. The reason why no1 does is b/c they have lives...perhaps not the most exciting lives, but lives none the less. I dont have that luxury. I sit on the computer and write blurbs- thats my life and when im not writting them im thinking about what to write...pathetic.  But anyway, i'm going to give u another example of pathetic just incase u were unclear on the definition..(this is for no other reason than to motivate me to eaither change my life or end it)...Pathetic is driving home in bumber to bumber traffic and sweating like an animal. Then rolling down the windows to get some air...then forgetting the windows are rolled down and bursting out singing a song by O-town (which is on a mix tape that u had made for some1 that u dont even tlak to anymore). Yeah..thats pathetic..whats worse is i realized the windows were open in mid song and i kept going cuz i was too into the song to stop. Luckily it was an older lady in the car next to me who didnt seem fazed...i eventually put on some ruff ryders and dmx to try and instill some dignity in myself but i wasnt fooling any1.

At canon, things are status-quo. I found a fun hobby though, somethign to do during my lunch break.  I go outside and sit in my car and eat my lunch and watch as  chinese man comes out and smokes a cigarette. and thats it. It's so much fun for me!! He alwasy looks like he's repulsed by every puff, but its just his chinese face. With that being said i guess its no shocker that i don't have any friends yet, but its kinda hard to approach people when u know u have a red laser beem on the end of ur nose..but i do say hello and goodbye to people so i think eventaully i may have a converstaion with them. Again i know its sad but thats the way i opperate...like in school i'd sit in the back of the classroom and not say shit for months. I went semesters without saying a word. I'm a phantom. I'd maybe say hello and goodbye to some people and always laugh if some1 said something funny but i'd never start a converstation with any1...however if some1 broke a pencil or needed a calculater or something- i was johnny on the spot. My whole college interaction revolved around pens running out of ink. But then again who doesnt love "pencil boy." The day of a big test ur pencil breaks- you love to see this face. Nobody called me pencil boy, but thats who i was, that was my in. It was only when i got paired with people via the teachers request did i have full converstations with my peers, but as a result i met some really cool kids. I think its a self esteem issue but i'll save that for when im on the couch in a few years.

Aight thats it for now i gotta get my rest for tomorrow...

A mile long Journey in my shoes

Three times in 1 week, its gotta be a modern day record. The fact is that i'm not writting this entry for u peeps as much as im writting it for myself... My heads been spinnin around like an olympic figure skater, in fact it still is! I can't eat, sleep or even fuckin work..i'm so damn worked up over what happend on saturday night that its eating me up inside like a human eating pacman. So i've decided to gather my thoughts. I figure the best way to get my shit in gear is to write it out... so here we are. I'm giving everyone a taste of my personal life which is something i dont normally do, because frankly i really dont have 1. Just a fair warning to all of u though- if ur lookin for a light hearted entry u best click the X cuz i'm serious as a heart attack tonite. Oh and if u have any advice for me...please please please keep it to urself. No offense but i got so much stuff on my plate  that i have to digest it with every bite- i cant handle anything more to think about. Plus i feel like i've gotten so much help already, thats its time i do it on my own. So get urself some popcorn and put the kids to bed b/c its holloween...and ur about to hear the horrid saga this is my personal life. First the back story, then the dilemna that stairs me in the face like a fun house reflection. With that all being said, away we go.

Knife to the Heart: Let's start it from the top, the tippy tippy top.... This past summer at saf-t-swim i was chatting with one of the swimming instructors, Erica B, who said one of her friends was going to apply for a job..and i replied... "Erica, any friend of urs is a friend of mine." And that was true- erica b is very nice girl and thats rare in life let alone at s-t-s, so i'd welcome any one of her friends. It just so happens that her friend, Nikki, turns out to be one of the coolest and sweetest chick that i've met in years...definately top 5 of all time.(what's sad is i could proably list them in order if i had more time..but their is just so much more to get to)....So anyway, i met this girl for the first time- i remember it vividly, she looked perfect-just as she usually does. (aww i know- but its true) She just finished one of her first days of training and Ed (who needs no description, ull figure it out) gives her his number to try and get her to go to one of the clubs he "bounces" at. Little FYI- Ed has less authority than the queen of england has in the United States. And the only thing that bounces is his stomach when he laughs...but anyway i figured my chances of hittin it off with her would be minute now that the saf-t-swim volchers were on the prowl. So i sat back and kinda threw in the towel... but one of my friends wouldnt let me. In fact for a while he was the only one who kept my dream alive...we'll get into that later though.

So weeks go by and eventually we become friends. Our conversations were short but always fun and entertaining. A couple of times myself and bert even cut out our workouts to spend time with her- thats how awesome she is. Time well spent! The thing about me and pretty much every shy guy is that we can't communicate well with girls we like. I stutter, my palms get sweaty- im just a mess and the worst part is i  have all this nervous energy. Every time she walked in the room- i started playing with pen caps and i even made a chain of  paper clips about 9 miles long..pathetic? Yeah i know.

So one night Bert organizes a night out at Chili's. We arrive late or are atleast late enough to get segregated from the group. It's just myself, Bert and Kate "the great" at one table and then their is everyone else on another. Nikki -didn't arrive yet, she was coming with Eddie (not the 1 from before, but equally as aggressive). She winds up sitting in the 1 empty spot on our table- next to bert, across from me...Yahtze, Bingo, Cha-ching...enter whatever sound affect u want! Things were looking up!!! The only down side was that she had to watch me eat a burger, rather disgustingly since i am the sloppiest eater this side of the rio grande. I had a good nite, a very fun time...then my boss Tom invites everyone back to his house for a party..no reason- just a party- he's done this from time to time. I didnt wanna go- i was satisfied with my night but bert convinced me to go until we gotta a call..which never came. SO i went and it was ok- not my cup of tea..i think i actually mentioned it in here the day after it happend although i left out a juicy detail. A lot of people got drunk and went in the hot tub- one of those people was my boss Tom another was Nikki. The results were devasting. I couldnt stay a minute longer, i said good-bye to bert and quickly headed home. My heart sank a little bit- i tried not to show it when i spoke to bert or when people asked how i was doing but i wasn't taking it well...and whats fucked up is that we werent going out- we werent even close. We spoke on a few occasions- we're were friends but thats it..but it still stung...but i guess thats why they call it a crush.

Anyway, i got over it the best i could- never giving her or tom any grief b/c i knew it wasn't any of their faults..i just took it like she liked me as a friend and tom as more than a friend- thats still how i take it...it helps me get through the day. But listen there is more.  A lot more...

Since then i got a new job and i left saf-t-swim..I talked to nikki a lot those last 2 weeks which made it difficult to leave, but i knew it was a no brainer. She even got me a cake!!!! I've since seen her a lot, including another party at Tom's house- where she was visably upset...and that was painful to see..i tried cheerin her up but i dont think i was successful. After that i saw her at sts and i asked her how she was doing..and she said "much better" and i was genuinely happy for her..above all else, i really just want her to be happy b/c she deserves it....But then i burried myself at the halloween party. We talked a little bit even playing beer pong together- (we sucked as a team- maybe that says summin) untilll....

Well let me have a little fun with this. It's gonna sound like a B movie or screenplay but i swear to u that every word of it is true...Ready? Ok, I was talking to an Angel, when all of a sudden A fuckin' Ape walks over and grabs her..he takes her in his arms, and goes bananas...me fearing that King Kong will victimize another lady, I say in what i thought was a whisper "knife to the heart!" to my spaced out Alien friend. I was BUMmed!! (hows that for symbolism???... everything but the alien part-sorry scott) The angel then hears me say it and actually repeats it back to me - i get so embarased that i have to put my mask back on to hide my emotional bleeding.

SO thats the whole backstory or atleast all i can remember...now here is my dilemna:

We had scheduled a lunch date, nothing fancy just a chance to catch up..but that was before i slipped up. Now, we're still on but i've opened up a can of worms that prob shouldn't have been opened.

Do i like her- absolutely! Do i want to be the reason her and Tom break up- no fuckin way. I hear tom isn't the best with girls- he's a love em n leave em type but i really cant say anything cuz i havent seen that. In fact Tom has been nothing but cool ever since i met him...and...even if he was like that- whose to say that hes not as crazy about her as i am? i dunno what to do or say.. i'm not gonna talk myself up and say here's why u should pick me...thats insane...the key is i want her to be happy- if she likes me as a friend- i can handle that. When it comes to relationships im like a camel..i can go another 2 years w/o 1- easy. 

i think that i should probably appologize though. Before that night we were fine and she was "much better" so i gather she was happy, now i've stirred the waters and thats just not fair to her. I could have potentially ruined her nite....i know that statement definately didnt brightne up my last few days. I just hope what i said doesnt change anything that we had..i dont want her shying away from me now cuz she thinks i just wanna get with her. It's a sticky situation.

No matter what happens i'd like to publicly (if any1 even made it this far) thank Bert for all his help. He's kept me focused and encouraged me not to give up on my life. He's my human anti-drug. I think he's gone above and beyond his duties as a friend. He mentioned to me the other day that he's always written about in my journals for the wrong reasons and its kinda true, but the fact remains his friendship is something i value very much and i only hope that he considers me as good a friend as i consider him to be. Thanks again bert.

You know what- now that it's all out there and its in the open. After "Hey Nikki"..i got nothing.! I have no idea what the hell i'm gonna say to her after that...i guess i'll just wing it...but there is 1 thing i do know.... that their will be some stuttering and some sweaty palms.

Good Mourning

(Sidebar- i started writting this at 8:54am but i stopped to eat breakfast and read the morning paper...now please read on).

 Its early on a sunday morning, a little too early perhaps. Why am i up this early? I'm glad u asked...for starters, the sun is shining bright on the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill is in the holiday air... and theirs an asshole in his bathrobe emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer..lol i love that movie...but reall, why am i even awake let alone writting a journey right now? Well its anybody's guess really, but i'll try and help to narrow down the choices. Maybe its the fact that the clocks were set back an extra hour. OR perhaps it's because i woke up to the tune of my stomach gurgling and have been in and out of the bathroom like it was a manhatten phone booth...OR perhaps its because im getting myself over excited about something that will prob leave me more devastated than the time monday night raw was canceled in favor of the western county dog show. Like i said, its any1s guess.

Last night was the costume/Holla-ween party at party central (aka the mirenda house). It was a fun time. Their were quite a few good costumes...my favorites include the corona/lime combo of tony and meg, the plug and socket- brad and gina, and ron bergandy- james. I went as a bum. Not very original i know, but it was quick and easy and i love that combination.... I was originally going to go as bill clinton but after 5 mins that mask was hotter than africa so i decided to bum it. But this bum was wearing bling bling by the end of the nite cuz myself and brad (who im sure is happy i mentioned him twice already) are the b-pong champions. Thats right kids, ur reading about a legacy here. We've demolished boston and we took 2 out of 3 from ny...We're running wild.

It was a good crowd too, aside from my arch nemisis showing up. This guy always seems to pop up at the wrong time,  (then again is there ever a good time to see an arch nemisis aside from watching him getting hit by a train thats going mach 3 speed? i think not)...he's like a pimple..but he thinks hes a pimp. kinda of funny huh? but it wasnt that bad cuz we didnt even talk which is great b/c i didnt have to fall vicitim to hearing his voice...i know im being really mean right now and i shouldnt be... for some reason i hate this kid and he really hasnt done anything to me except exist. which is why im not totally anti-abortion. but whatever- good crowd otherwise..

I think i might have drank alittle too much last nite, and thats probably a first for me. Not that i was drunk or throwing up but i was buzzed and did some stupid things..For one i said something that i thought was quiet enough so that no one would have heard it....but it turns out i would have been better off using a friggen megaphone. What's worse is that its was in the direction of someone that i really care for and could have either screwed myself or given me new life... only time will tell. I'm obviously hoping for the latter but i got a bad feeling...the kind of feeling that involves me staying home on weekends watching meg rayn and julia roberts movies and sobbing to myself. I dont want to elaborate too much more on this right now but its a lot more complicated than i've described....stay tuned. Another stupid thing i did was wrestling with bert. Aside from the fact that hes a good 30 lbs more than me and could actually crush me, it was also stupid cuz it ended the party...and thats something i cant help but feel guilty for.

By the way- i took myself off block and 2 random IM's later- im back.

I have to go to a wake today. My cousin's grandmather passed away so instead of going at nite we've decided to go in the afternoon. It's obviously not my ideal sunday but i gotta pay my respects.

Can-Can

Lets start with a job update, i know i've been rather mum on the subject but i gave u nosey bastards my reasons... So now that i got a feel of the job here's the inside skinny.. I've been in the cube (it's cool as ice) for three weeks already and i gotta say- i like it. It's boring at times but i'd rather be bored out of my sack than working like a slave- u know? And the only reason its boring is b/c i dont know what to do. Eventaully I'll know all that im responsible for and i'll be good as gold. I've even been working a little overtime.....an hr here, a half hor there...i hear people complaining that they have to stay but i'd rather be making money than home watching the knicks lose games. But anywho- heres a few observations on the job so far...While working at a desk as u can imagine i get a lot of e-mails from bosses and co-workers..every1 is so polite in these e-mails but at the same time u know their is such venom and shit behind it...like the word "thanks" has taken on new meaning, i just feal that its a euphemism for "hurry up u fucking asshole"...or.... "u think u can manage that u piece of monkey feces"...i dunno, call me crazy but i just get that feeling- especially when its followed by several "!!!!"  Another observation is the abundance of choclate..everywhere i look people are eating small choclates, or candy bars...maybe its just cuz its halloween but its like the Keebler elves work for Canon USA. My boss is the worst..every 5 minutes i hear a wrapper being unravled. I like her though- shes been very good to me, she never curses either- instead of saying shits and giggles..she says grins and giggles- i think thats funny i really dunno why.

I havent left saf-t-swim completely..i still go in there a lot to work out and say hello to the old crew. Overall i liked my time there but i really cant tell you how happy i am to be out of there. Sleeping late on saterdays is reason enough..Apparently my thank u letters went over very well- i got word that Michelle, the last to receive a letter was touched, which is shocking cuz i didn't spend that much time on it. Apparently i have a gift for the written venacular, if only i could make a living out of journal entries and personalized thank u letters.

The familia and i went to see my uncle last week who has been battling cancer. He's lost a lot of weight but he looks good...i admire his toughness b/c he can still manage to smile and make jokes even though he's obviously not comfortable. I can only hope that i'd be as courageous as him. He's eating through a tube right now and cant swallow b/c of the readiation on the neck. I pray for him every night and hope that he gets better soon. If all goes well he should be off the treatment in november and maybe even back to work in december/january.

Hockey season is in full swing- has any1 noticed? yeah me neither.

I dont watch much tv anymore but i have seen a few shows that i'd like to chat about if i may- Luguna beach...Watching this show is like watching web cams of Triple X but u only get to see the parts where they dont take their clothes off..and yet its still manages to be entertaining. Kristen and LC (lauren to the late person) are down right amazing, Casey is like porn star hot, like i wouldn't bring her home but i'd bring her home if u know what i'm saying  j/k- i odnt really like her at all- shes too fake to me..IM  such a LOSER!!!! lol. Jason on the other hand, is quite simply a mountain of scum..like thats it- if he was my friend and i was describing him to some1 thats what i'd say..This is jason, the mountian of scum. I don't understand what hot lauren sees in Mount Scummore- its mind boggling!! Over*There: great first season, i missed a couple episodes but i was able to catch up right away...it def deserves to get picked up- its not rescue me though!!!! i just wish there was like a cliff hanger type ending- like a huge explosion. C'mon its a show about war- some1 has to get smoked, right? Real World..ehh what? This season is awful- i have more exciting things go on in my life than this show.  The blond haired girl is hot- no question, but i still cant get into it...i saw last weeks episode- the ugly girl that no1 likes was talking smack about rachel...10 mins later they are sharing a cab and their buds teaming up on the black guy- they need to spice it up a little bit..if i were mtv i'd call puck for a little cameo... but atleast mtv gave us a break from the conga line of gay people that are always paraded on the show..i could never be a part of the real world for that reason a lone- im not saying im a homophobe, but i dont think i could live with a gay person-I guess that makes me a homeahomophobe or something. i'd be wearing chastitybelts and taking a gun with me in the shower and under the pillow.

I gotta go- we'll tlak later

King of Long Island

I've been seeing/hearing a lot of ads for people running for office in Conn.and it has really gotten me thinking. Don't get me wrong folks, I hate politics, i hate it with a passion and i think its primarily because the topics that politicians talk about don't really have a direct impact on my life. So then i started to ponder what issues i'd be conserned with and i eventually came up with a small list of issues that i feel focus on aspects of society that have sort of been tossed aside like a skinny kid in gym football. So here is my plan, if i were to run long island....

My first act as King of Long Island (its a new position that i just created), would be to eliminate a large number of diseases. I know what you're thinking..."how are u gonna do that- ur not a chemist or a skilled physician...how are u gonna come up with a cure?" well the answer to that is simple..I'm not. The reason i'm not coming up with a cure is because a large portion of the "diseases" aren't real diseases. I think a wise comedian once said that any disease you get yelled at for having- is not a real disease...for example...damn ir Ralph ur an alcholic...doesn't sound the same as damn it ralph u have lupis..one of them just doesnt seem right...and its so true. People drink cuz they like to drink, not because its a genetic disease. Alcoholics may have a lack of will power but thats not a disease, its a life choice. I know a lot of people who have fell to temptation but i dont consider them diseased, instead they fall under the category of being a sissy. They may even drink cuz they wanna kill themselves, and again i call them sissys. Charlie Rocket comitted suiside recently- a lot of u don't know who he is and thats probably a large reason why he sliced open his neck and turned himself into a pez dispensor. I give him credit it though, he was a man about it. He went into the woods and did what he felt like he had to do, unlike Alchoholics who prolong their lives just to get sympathy and put their loved ones through hell. (sidenote: as King of LI...suicide isnt only legal its also encouraged for all lowlifes).  Gambling is another one- its not a disease..people like to bet b/c it gives them a rush...loike people who ride on roller coasters yet their is no disease for those people. I like to eat a lot of peanut butter b/c it tastes good and its high in protein...do i have a problem? am i diseased...no its retarded.

Obesity is another "disease" that we can just wipe off the old disease chalk board. If Ghandi (however u spell his name) can go on a hunger strike for weeks to prove a point, than fat people can go on a hunger strike for a couple of days to lose some extra baggage. If you weigh 700 lbs you're not diseased, you're disgusting..and i suggest you start sweating to the oldies and stop acting so helpless. I cant tell you how many times i've seen these MTV shows that try and make us feel bad for fat people...maybe there is something wrong with me- but i have no sympathy for them. People are battling real diseases like Aids and Cancer, but isntead of worrying about them..fat people want all the attention.Well no more- fat people are now labeled as such. they aren't obese, or portly, or even out of shape...nope, they are fat and in some instances "over the top- make you throw up ur lunch type of fat". AS KoLI fat people who want sympathy will be arrested and punioshed by being spit on by clergy men and hospital patients.

I know i'm not winning a lot of peoples votes right now- but i feel as if i have to tell it how i see it cuz our states men and women are going through life with their blinders on. Another thing that isnt going to get me votes is snipers..I FRIGEN LOVE THEM!!!! When that father and son team were picking people off a few years ago- i have to admit- i was glued to the tube. I didn't want those bastards to get caught. It was like watching Silence of the Lambs in real life... must see TV. Now i'm not promoting sniping out innocent men and women- thats just wrong..but if we could harnass that into something good then i think we'd be on to something...and i got it! We need snipers to take out the troublesome gangs and and criminals. I've devised a plan that will enable the snipers to patrol our streets, keeping us safe..They'll be hidden everywhere...on subways, in churchs, on top of buildings, and in trees...and if a criminal even thinks if trying something funny- he'll be filled with more wholes than swiss cheese. All these break-in on long island aren't gonna happen on my watch buddy!!!

Another group that will get sniped out are people with umbrellas...i got to admit this isnt for any legal issue, its just a pet peeve of mine. But i gotta ask, am i the only one who hate people who use umbrellas? I'm not talking about those people who walk the city streets on their way to work- u guys are safe. I'm talking about the people who get out of their cars, put up the umbrella and walk 10 feet to their buildings..i'm sorry but these people have to go. Most of the time it's not even a heavy down poor..i can understand the heavy rain but a mist? Nope, they deserve to feel reign of death!! Do they really think they are that precious that they cant get a little water on them...are they made of sugar or something? Have no fear folks, I've created a team...the WETS.... "Weather Empowered Team of Snipers"..they will go to random sites and if people are seen running with umbrellas they will be dropped like people on the board game "guess who?" It's the only way to end this madness. People will be warned though... on rainy days people are advised to turn on their radios b/c a Wets warning will be in effect.

Thats really just a small tidbit of the topics i'd be lobbying for. i know a lot of people may not fully stand behind my topics- but i'm sure you must agree with a lot of them

I am a man in a box

Before i start boring my fellow readers with a bunch of endless, go nowhere stroies...i'd like to take this moment to say thank you. Thank you all for caring.  I appreciate all the calls asking how my first and 2nd day of work was. In fairness to all of you- and in true Mike Cat fashion, i didnt bother to give you guys a call back. Truthfully, the reason i didnt call anyone back is b/c im a deushbag. A huge heeping, steaming pile of Deush. I know you prpbably were expecting a line of excuses but- i'm not about to play that game. I was a deek. i know that its not the right thing to do and i do appologize, however if i had called you back you might have gotten a sort of tainted view of what the job is. You see it's kind of impossible to get a sense of what an occupation is going to be like after only 1 day. Thats like asking a newly wed- hows he gonna like married life. You just don't know till you've been down that road. Let's face it- it's a whole new life that i just stepped into and thier is no way on that anyone can deny it. SO with that in mind...here is todays entry.

    As my bald head hit the pillow on "Columbus day" evening i knew it was going to be a long night. For the first time in a long time i had something to look forward to. I did wind up going to sleep but it was one of those nights where you wake up every hour and look at the clock for 10 minutes. Eventually i just got up, shut off my alarm about 1/2 hr before it was supposed to go off and i went down stairs and had some cereal. After reading the back of the honey nut cheerios box over 15 times, i finished my cereal and headed back upstairs. I put on my white collared shirt and my hagger slacks, and checkered tie. I wasn't nervous. I picked up my soft brief case, put on my glasses and right before i walked out the door i said goodbye to the old me.

  I was excited about being a white collar man. Unfortunately God wasn't. The rain was nonstop like tears from a recently dumped fat chick. Once the door shut and the seat belt clicked it was clear that there was no turning back. Little po'd that my XM radio reception sux on rainy days..its almost non existant. But I powered my way through the rain and traffic with FM radio although, the traffic going there wasn't bad at all. I actally sat in the parking lot for almost an hr, reading the daily news and eating a chewy bar until 9:40 then i walked in....Business was about to pick up.

   As soon as i walked in, i checked in with security and he pointed out that my name was on the plasma TV. It appears that all new employees have their names written on the TV.. it was cool at first but no1 really looks at it besides the new-bees.  During orientation, it was a lot of paper work..they went over benefits and such- and treated us to breakfast. We had to watch a painfully boring videoand then I was finally introduced to my co-workers and my cubicle!

                                                                       

  My manager is sweet as sugar, maybe even sweeter..i dunno. Her name is michelle which isnt too hard to remember cuz at saf-t-swim my manager was also michelle...wierd...anyway She's been great, she's taught me everything i need to know and never gets mad.  i also work with a chick names lekesha. I'll let u figure out her ethnicity. She's also nice and she showed me around and introduced me to a few peeps. Everyone there seems to be nice, i have this bitchy supervisor though..shes so bitchy. I'm talking the queen B, but at the same time...im in love with her. She isn't amazingly hot but the bitchyness and the fact that shes like a supervisor just adds bonus degrees of hotness. Shes the tanning salon type with the dark brown hair..i dont speak mucho Espanol but this senorita is freakin' fuerte. It just sux that shes my supervisor cuz i dont wanna get bitched at.  

 The work itself isn't very exciting its a lof of flippin back and forth between sheets and stuff. I guess i should tell you what it is that i do. I am single handedly or atleast for the most part in charge of sending orders to Target and Circuit City. I handle all of their accounts. I see how much stock we have in our warehouses and see how many units we are allocated and allowed to ship out. I cancel orders if they need to be canceled and more- i just dont know what else. It's a little dull but their is always something to do. In fact, i havent taken a lunch break yet..i eat while sititng at my computer and learning new shit.I have tried my best to pick up everything and what i havent learned, i try and pick up on my own. Thats really all i can say about my job so far. I dont know enough about it yet. Ask me in person if u have any questions- dont call i'll prob still be a dirt bag.

   I have my name on the cubicle already and i just got my own phone line today. My computer is password protected (like 40 different passwords..its insane). Needless tosay i'm actually diggin it. I've already started to decorate my office. It's not a small cube either- its pretty big. I got some yankee shit and some Jets shit thumb tacked to the walls and pretty soon i'm gonna post some pictures. I need some good ones though- so if you have any good friend shots- please send em my way. i plan on going shopping this weekend for some cool stuff for the office, any ideas?

  I woke up with such a pain in my neck again..this time i think i may have tweeked somehting while working out yesterday, but i'm not gonna tell my parents that. I put some bengay on it early this morning but had to wash it off before work. Now i have it on again..I sound like i'm 85, don't i? Please excuse me while i put on my favorite muder mystery program, matlock, and go to sleep in my Craft-madic Adjustable bed.   Im really gonna go to bed- ill see u all tomorrow!!!

Turning the pages

You know its kinda funny. I was cleaning out my room the other day and i stumbled upon my 6th grade journal. I got really excited till i realized it's not nearly as cool as i thought it would be. It was the classic black and white marble notebook probably of the Mead variety.  I opened it up and heard the crack. You know the crack or crackle of when u open a book that hasn't been opened in years. Well i know it well. Anyway i opened it up and gave it a quick glance. Each page had only a couple of lines of trash written. I call it trash b/c it was the most uninteresting piece of literature that I ever read. I've seen bumper stickers that were longer than these entries. But next to every 5 pages was a line from my teacher, Miss Zapalla, saying "needs more effort". I'm sorry but when ur in 6th grade what the F*** can you possibly talk about. I had no life back then and oddly enough I still dont. I guess she wanted to hear about my vicous battle with puberty or the previous nights episode of "Saved By The Bell" because really thats all i had to offer. I wound up getting a "D" on my entries...i'm not bitter about it but i kind of hope she's dead. No- im just kidding. I just think it's funny b/c i doubt that any1 from that class takes the time to write in a journal now adays. Not that i credit/blame her for being the reason i still write things down. I guess the influence and i think i may have mentioned this once before, was an old friend/crush Jackie Scannel. She told me way back in high school that she used to write 1 line per day to describe her mood or what happend that day. The line only made sense to her so it was a good way to express yourself and have full privacy. She encouraged me to do the same. I guess she knew i dabbled in poetry so thats why she thought i'd like it...but she probably could have told me to take a huge dump and dip my head in the water and i probably would have done it. I thought she was foxy what else can i say lol. SO yeah i did the 1 line thing but not everyday and then the 1 line thing turned into 2 or 3 and eventually i was writting paragraphs every few months. Then i came across this piece of GOLD and never looked back.

I'm ending my run at Saf-t-Swim this Saturday. Saturdays are usually HELL and thats no exageration. I have seen the devil on many occasions, but hopefully i can turn this sat into a joyous occasion. It been a 2 year run, actually more than 2 years and i definately feel i gained a lot from working there. I'm certainly going to miss the people i worked with and worked for. I may even miss some of the parents..only a few. A SMALL FEW. But i wont miss the job. I worked with an older woman the last 2 weeks- sweetest lady in the world. She said to me that she loved working at saf-t-swim and i just couldn't say the same. Like i said the people are great but i dont like the headaches that are invlved. So with that being said I'm excited/nervous about starting my new job on Tuesday. I'm excited that i'll be getting real money and have a real job but im nervous b/c i dont know what to expect. Also I'm the new guy. It sux being the new guy. No friends, and lotta pressure to pick things up quickly. I'm sure i'll make it work though.

I just finished writting thank you letters to 2 or my bosses and another employee who has been a huge help to me while being there. I wish i was able to leave the company with more time to prepare for my departure however, when oppurtunity knocks u gotta answer the door. Speaking of answering the door. What was the latest you've ever recieved a package?? 3 pm, 5pm maybe?  today we got a delivery at 7:45 pm. Thats crazyness isnt it? The only thing that should be ringin at 7:45 is the dinner bell. I dont know who is delivering these packages 75 year old men- b/c they obviously arent moving at the speed of light.

2 Weeks Notice

It's been kind of a long hard month for me up until now. I thought graduation would catapult me into a lucrative position at some big name, Fortune 500 company, however things are never as easy as they seem. Almost every night u could have found me on the computer sending out resumes to possible employers. I sent at least 10 a night to different companies. About a week ago i detailed my frustrations saying that i was at the end of my rope and that was the God's honest truth . I was going absolutely delerious. So much so that i popped a blood vessel in my eye becasue of all the stresss and aggrevation i caused myself.

Now im happy to report that i can put all that behind me b/c i landed my first full time job. It's not as lucrative as i had hoped for but its definately a start and i guess thats all i can ask for. Metaphorically speaking I havent been getting a lot of bites on my hook, so i guess i should be happy that i caught something rather than coming up with sea-weed again. If you don't know by now "The Big Day" was in reference to the job interview i had with Canon USA corporation. Its a reputable company with solid benefits and strong corporate image..and thats definately something that i wanted.

Lets back track for a second...Things are crazy at Saf-T-Swim right now. With Michelle (my boss) out for a while i have picked up more hours trying to be as helpful as i can to the company. When canon called me on monday and asked me to come in for an interview on that friday i jumped at the chance however i felt awful that i'd be leaving the company whis is already in crisis mode. Anyway with all the hours i have been pulling in at Saf-t-Swim i didnt really have time to think about the interview. So when Friday came i figured to be a mess but i was actually more anxious than nervous. I'm not going to go step by step through the interview b/c thats just too time consuming and i've done that already too many times. however i will say this.  i def. feel that i didnt "nail the interview", in fact at 1 point i'd say i really botched it up. I was caught off guard with a question and answered it in a rather stupid fashion but i guess all in all i did okj b/c they called me a few hrs later to inform me that i had recieved the job. So i'm waiting for my contract to be mailed to me then i start in a couple of weeks. I've already notified Saf-t-Swim  but i'm going to continue working 9-5's until my final days.

I don't know how long i'll work for canon, but i'm definately willing to spend some time there. I'm not the type to quit if i dont like it..i'll work at it until i get the hang of it. I'd like to spend the 1st year at my current position and then eventually work my way through-out the company. I'm fairly confident that i will work there for a while because they are going to help me pay for me masters degree and thats something that i'd really like to get. Hopefully it all works out according to the plan or better.

In other news: I took a six hour defensive driving course in Astoria queens on sat. I had to wake up at like 6:30, we (my family and i) left at 7 and the course ran from 8-2 with a few ten minute breaks. It sucked but hopefully it will pay off with a 10% reduction in car insurance. It was a Con-Edison meeting- only employees and their family could go - so i was stuck being introduced to random people. Best part of the day was when we left at 2 for lunch....Sal's Deli is amazingggg!!!

I like milk as much as the next guy...but i dont like it enough to drink a whole gallon. One of my friends, and i'm not going to say who (b/c its just embarassing), tried to do the impossible and drink a gallon of whole milk in 1 hr with out throwing up..and when i say "doing the impossible", i mean it. Its been proven by scientists and jackasses around the world. My friend guaranteed he could do it but in the end, needless to say he fell short.

Yesterday i woke up with one of the worse stiff necks i've ever had. I had a sharp shooting pain every time id make a quick move or move to far to the left. Everytime the pain hit me, id wince and give a small shriek... it was so god damn painful. Most of the day i was resting my head on my right shoulder. I felt like i was on a date with myself. Sadly it was 1 of the best dates i've ever had. My shoulder/neck still aches today even though i rubbed it down with bengay all day and took a few pain reliever pills. Thankfully the shooting pain is all gone but its at about 85% right now.

You know what i hate: People's away messages. I might have already mentiioned this but it still bites at my balls. I know I'm guilty of constantly changing my away message to something stupid...but what really pisses me off are the away messages that people try to get sympathy."another long day at work...i dont think i can make it", "my teacher's an asshole b/c..." or "finally enjoying a day off". Who caressss, really???? Nobody wants to hear ur sob stories. People listen to me when i say this, if ur away message isnt 1 word, or funny- then no1 cares what u have to say. Unless ur away message says "im being stabbed in the eye with a hawk's beek" im not going to even give it a second thought.

BIG DAY TOMMOROW

Near the end of my rope

"We all commit certain acts in our lives of an unsavery nature, some bad, some worse, some unspeakable. Sometimes we suffer in silence, sometimes we seek redemption. For hes got what he wanted but in obtaining salvation there is a price that must be paid...one must give up a bit of one's self. The road...or the end of the road as it is written may not be the beacon of rightgeousness in which was invisoned. The glowing light at the end of tunnel may  not be what was expected. It just might be some horribly disfigured , fun-house reflection of our own inner dreams."

I remember hearing that poem way back in the day and for whatever reason i was able to remember it,  i probably fudged it up somehow cuz i dont think thats word for word, but thats pretty damn close. I don't know why i bothered to even remember it nore do i know why it's still fresh in my head years after i originally heard it...however, whenever i have a dark day- i reflect and this poem usually springs to mind and kind of inspires me to write my own morbid, self loathing poem.

As of late i have been having quite a bit of dark days both personally and professionally. Too many reasons to count, too many emotions running high. I  feel like i'm breaking down a little bit and pretty soon im just gonna go head first and crash. I can only remember me being like this once before and it was years and years go...prob about the time i broke up with jen and i was in up to my elbows in crazy shit.i obviously did get through that rough patch, although i had a little help from a now fallen angel. But now i'm giving it a go solo and i know i have plenty of shoulders to cry on if need be- but i choose not to. Its my path of choice... Obviously i'm not telling every1 my problems for a reason- cuz they're my problems.

I'm really looking forward to an off day on sunday just to be able to re-examine my entire situation. I need a day to kick my feet up and just think cuz I'm obviously not happy right now and that shouldnt be. My heads been spinning like a friggen draddle during the 1st night of chanukah and i'd like to find a way to ground myself.  Cuz as of late i've been testy, edgy and down right esplosive at times and i know thats not the real me- just 1 thats stressed out to the max. (By the way: im sweating like a hooker in church right now- its so fucking hot. I thought the basement was supposed to be the coolest place in the house- def not the case tonite.)

Anyway- switching topics a little bit...I dont wanna seem like a bitch..i know i've complained on this medium since i started it last year but i really dont think im that much of a complainer. Atleast i try not to be but Saturdays suck balls at Saf-t-Swim!!! We're talking big, huge, hairry balls here...not like the marbles u put in ur mouth when u were a kid- its more like a bufallo's balls.... First off i think its a conspiracy that every1 and i do mean every1 in the office pushes the worst parents to saturdays for me and angelica to deal with...couple that with the most inconsistant and unreliable instructors, plus an assistant manager who doesnt assist or manage, and that spells chaos. I am 22 years old but i feel like im going to be 73 b/c this place is the fucking death of me. Never in my life did i ever envy Notorious B.I.G. until today... b/c on the ride home from work I was praying for 20 bullets to hit the driver side of my thunderbird. Biggie's a lucky bastard if u ask me.

Alright thats about all i can muster up for now- hopefully the jets win tomorrow and put a smile on my face for atleast a little while.

Fireworx & Bottle Rockets

Last night was somewhat of a wild/crazy night for me. It didn't involve police, prostitutes, or a chainsaw so i guess it wasnt THAT crazy- but it certianly was eventful.

It started off like a typical sat night, with our weekly game of phone tag... i was all dressed up with nowhere to go. I was ready to throw in the towel, turn on the tv, and slip into bed until i got a call from Bert inviting me over to his joint. So scott and i went to Bert's house where James, Wildes, Dan from the movie theater and Samantha were already there. It started out nice, we were eating hotdogs and drinkin a little bit but thenreal fire works happened once the fire pit was lit.

GLASS JAW: So we're chillin around the fire- eatin 'mellows and bullshittin when all of a sudden Dan starts writting on the bricks with his wooden stick Then i get into the act and write down "kara" on the bricks and before i know it, without warning BOOM! I get nailed in the face with a beer bottle. Bert threw the bottle and it landed right on my kisser. I immediately checked on my chompers to make sure they were all intact, luckily they were..the front one is alittle lose though. The only thing is i had a bloody/fat lip. Every1 said that they couldnt believe i didn't flip out and to be honest i'm a little surprised i didnt too. I know i probably was out of line with what i wrote but it def.didn't warrant 16 ounces of  furry being propelled at my face. Had that thing shattered it could have been really dangerous. I think the reason i didnt flip out is b/c it's Bert. He's not a mean guy, i know he felt bad as soon as it hit me..plus he was drinken and we all know what happens when Bert drinks the kool-aid. So its fine, plus bert has taken quite a bit of abuse in the past so he gets more slack than others. Oh and im a pussy thats why lol.

After the bottle rocket, things returned back to normality for a little while until Dan got a call from Romeo. Romeo is a blast from my past- some1 i never really warmed up to and i have a feeling the only way i would warm up to him is if he was on fire. But Dan invited him to come to Berts house and of course he comes and sits right next to me. I had to get up- i couldnt even sit next to this kid. He's so god damn cocky and he has no reason to be. So i tried to ignore hm and have a good time. People were wrestling bert, throwing things in thefire and doing other pranks until romeo, dan and wildes left.

The Great Debate: So i was a little pissed off for much of the night. Partly cuz my lip was swollen and partly cuz romeo came, and really a host of other things in my personal life. Then things got really fired up when the permanent seatings issue was some how brought up by james. For those of u who dont know- its a long story that goes back a couple of years- or decades ago if u know what happend to rosa parks. But  the end result is that i feel/felt i got fucked over by a few of my friends. It was one of the most upsetting nites i've ever had and its one of those things where u forgive but never forget.

But anyway i really didnt want to get in to it...well i shouldnt say that- i would never have brought it up..in the past its been mentioned and im like "yeah ok whatever lets not get into it" but if u dig and dig eventually ur gonna find a root..and james hit the root of an old problem and i had no qualms tellin him exactly where i stood on that issue. we had a long exchange and things got pretty heated and perhaps down right uncomfortable at times...like when i was screaming "fuck u" at 3:30 am. But i am passionate about the subject. there are very few things that i feel are worth flippin out about and this was one of them. I stand behind everything i said a couple of years ago and i stand by what i said last nite. So i said what i felt i needed to say, and so did he- he didnt change my opinion and sadly i dont think i changed his- so thats it. We shook hands and settled it like adults.

Believe it or not- that wasnt the only action of the nite. James was obviously effected by our debate and he called Bert a piece of shit...and Bert lost it. He flipped out throwing a chair and eventually throwing the chair in the pool. But by the end of the night everything was smoothed over and it was an interesting nite to say the least.

Ground Zero: I cant help but feel the need to write a little something about 9/11 since it just past. I still get upset when i think of the shit that went down 4 years ago. THe patrioism and the the love for the police and firefighters have worn away for a lot of people but i still have an enormous amount of respect for the country and the people the fight to protect us. I hope nothing like ground zero ever happens again although i have my doubts..i just hope we are better prepared. I feel this country has rebounded off of this disaster pretty well and i feel we will rebound from Huricane Katrina. My thoughts and prayers go out to all that were effected by both tragedies.

In a personal matter- My uncle is going for his cancer treatment today and i'm very concerned. I know he'll be ok- im very optimistic he'll makea full recovery but i know its a long hard battle and thats whats upsetting.